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Does Your Primal Fear Stack Up?

Global warming scares the hibbie-jeebies out of me. I picture polar bears drowning, the air unbreathable (thank you China), the oceans polluted beyond repair, nukes being tossed over by Russia, and Kim Kardashian as first lady. Dear God Almighty…just kill us all now.

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Carol Cassara - I have to tell ya, I saved this to re-read because I get it. I do!

T.O. Weller - Right now, there’s a spider parked in one of the top corners of my office. That’s where they like to go in this house, because they know I can’t reach them without getting a climbing device.

My back is out right now so I can’t even do that and I have to wait for my husband to get home. But I’m watching it. If it moves, I’m bolting as fast as my back will allow.

Don’t even get me started on clowns and politicians! (Putting them together in one sentence is no accident.)
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Ellen Dolgen - I am right there with you on most of these, sister! Clowns – They don’t upset me, but omg they scared my daughter half to death.

Scott Morgan - I fear stupid people with power too. Oddly, almost everything you fear here is a fear of stupid people with power — politicians, parents, pitbull owners, Kim Kardashian… what a world!

Barbara Hammond - I’ve never been afraid of anything I could squish easily, like a spider. But rodentia is a whole other thing! And, I believe we should all fear politicians!
b
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Tammy - T.O., you made me laugh. No….putting politicians and clowns together is NO accident! Hahahahahaha. Yeah, I learned a while back that spiders have nine lives. And you don’t want to be the one trying to kill them…they remember. Eeeeeeek!

Tammy - I never thought of it that way, Scott, but by George, you might be right. I feel a wee bit badly about the pit bulls, because I know so many great owners that love and adore their pits. I’m told that there are amazing pets to have. But then you have the off the wall crazy dog owners that go the other way. Yup….duly scared! If there was someone I could pay to get insure that we would never have to suffer a Kardashian again, I think the money collected would be HUGE. What a world indeed, my friend!

Tammy - I’m right there with you, Barbara. If only we had a spray that could rid us of deceitful, self serving, bullshit artists called politicians. Wouldn’t that make the world a better place?! Why don’t I tell you how I really feel, right? *giggling*

Tammy - It’s so weird, Ellen, fear of clowns defies logic. Yet….it’s pretty terrifying! Always happy to be on the same page as you! Thanks for popping by!

Joan Cooper - “Never Say Die” – that was a James Bond movie wasn’t it.

I don’t think we were made or conditioned to handle so much information as is thrown to us nowadays. From Spring Break to ISIS, it is too too much. I want to live in my little working on perfection world, but it seems the world is determined to intervene.

There are solutions but no one is talking about the main one – make the banks accountable. ISIS is a bunch of murdering criminals – who handles their money ? Who handled Hitler’s money ? we know – Switzerland. Criminals should be in jail or an island somewhere – not working with bankers.

Oh I could go on and on, but not as entertainingly as you do it.

Cudos.

Joan Cooper

Shirlene Marquis Vitale - Hi friend!! I agree with most of what you said. Spiders don’t bother me. I am the spider eliminator in every office I work at! Not liking the mice that run under my feet and if i find a hair in my food… eeewww.

Howard Roper - Tammy after reading this I have rediscovered my own fears. Many of which you wrote here. However, I will replace some with others and add to what you’ve already explained. Please forgive the lengthy comments:

Evil: On the planet, such as ISIS, scares the hell out of me. Anyone that can kill women and innocent children for ignorant reasons, well that is just plain and simple PURE EVIL. It will grow like a cancer until it is wiped out, period. It is my number one fear, but I stand ready to fight if it should come to that. The Patriot in me.

Global warming: Not afraid as Mother nature will take care of the planet and is always changing as she has done for eons. It is a liberal deflection of the real problems facing us today and the real need to solve them.

Stupid people: They are everywhere. They seem grow like a plague each day. They believe whatever they are promised, told, or hear. Many work for fast food chains or Wal-Mart and are young adults. Which leads me to believe the future of our great country is DOOMED.

Bigots: People of this country who want to kill cops, riot, burn the American flag, promote racism, push their religion, undermine the Republic, make promises they never intend to keep, believe only their lives matter, liberals, gun control idiots that want us to believe guns kill people, illegal aliens, just to name a few. I absolutely detest. So if that makes me a bigot, then so be it, I’m a proud bigot.

Spiders: I hate them, stomp them, and attack with a vengeance of complete destruction of the species. They creep me out with there eight eyes, eight legs, and especially those with their ability to jump. No mercy, just whack them, like we should do to ISIS.

Pit Bulls: Don’t own one and never would. Been bitten, and attacked by supposedly sweet adorable Pit Bulls whose owners made assurances to me and lied. The thing is I love dogs, but this breed needs rethinking. Don’t like them and won’t hesitate to show them no mercy (no explanation needed).

Politicians: Like Pit Bulls I have no use for them and they really scare me.
They can either lead this Republic to greatness or destroy it. Present administration as an example. They will break the law as lawmakers, with very few that see criminal charges, and make millions of $$$ off us the tax-payer. They seem proud of their ability to pull the wool over our eyes, make laws unknown to us, give themselves raises, have eternal 100% retirement pay, don’t pay into Social Security or have to follow the laws we have too. They strut around like they are most important people on the planet. They don’t care that they were elected by the people for the people. They still (steal), line their pockets with lobbying monies, lie, cheat, point fingers, and spend billions of $$$ on stupid stuff instead of using it for needed stuff. The amount of money they spend on election campaigns is amazing, which are basically nothing more than negative attacks on their competitors. They make campaign promises they have no intention of keeping, but rather pushing there own personal agenda on the poor citizen who voted them into office. They are nothing more than self-serving, self-righteous, money mongering, tax-payer gargoyles. Who needs them?

Clowns: No problem. Just punch them in their red ball nose and show them you mean business. Never hire one for your child’s birthday! They are obnoxious, uninhibited, men who like to play with children in makeup to hide their faces. Why? I think there’s a problem here.

I will add two more:

Elevators: Especially cram-packed elevators. I literally have panic attacks and will get off one if it becomes to full. I seem to always get pushed to the back as if they know I’m terrified and wanting to see me become frozen and blue from holding my breath. I need room and my private space is MINE. Don’t invade it! I’ve been known to yell out “Let me off I can’t breath or there will be some serial killing taking place very soon” which seems to do the trick as a large path is created (I think I could hear bones being crushed) to let me off at next floor. If there are than 2 people, I will not get on and will wait for the next one “Going Up or Going Down.” And God forbid one gets stuck for some unknown reason. I cannot even imagine what I would do and I pity those around me. I will even take the stairs if there is too much elevator traffic. I might huff and puff “Going Up”, and sing “Going Down” but at least I have my space. And the voice that announces everything along with the music reminds me of a funeral. I prefer the dong sound for the floors and as the door opens but not closed. Music, come on let’s ply something that is uplifting like rock and roll to take my mind of the elevator ride…

Iran with Nukes: Goodbye to Israel and Us. Nothing more needs to be said or explained. Just bend over and kiss your a** goodbye!

Thanks Tammy, my dearest friend for letting me share my views. Hope all is well, God Bless you and your family as well as our Republic… Love ya!

Tammy - We definitely DO get way too much information thrown at us, Joan. Which is why I systematically chime out from time to time. Money makes the world go ’round, and it funds the most unscrupulous beliefs known to mankind. Now there is an oxy moron for you … man kind. I wish!

Tammy - Oh, my, Howard, that is a mouthful! I just LOVE it when blogs spur such wonderful emotion and thought. Next time I write about this subject, I think I will consult you first. Can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know that you read my blog. Yaaaa me!! Adored your contribution, thank you for that!

Billie Jo - Thank you Tammy! I feel better about my self now:). I fear ignorance in people, so stupidity and bigots should fall under that category. I wish ignorance would be a painful affliction, then we could recognize them more easily because they would walk around writhing in pain. And flying, I also fear flying.

Tammy - Billie Jo! So good to see you here. Wouldn’t it be fabulous if ignorance was accompanied by pain or nose growth, like Pinocchio?! I never had a problem with flying but these days I absolutely abhor it. It’s like we gamble every time we board a plane. You never know if the next wanna be shoe bomber is sitting next to you. I won’t rest easy until they find or explain Malaysia flight 370. Beyond worrisome and creepy. By the way … I love you more!

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
My turn? Insects of any kind. Global warming is too far away and politicians are too near. Evil actions whether personal, political or religious frightens me because there are no answers.
Yours is a good column because you follow the
writing dictum: “Write that which makes you the most vulnerable.”
You are both strong, honest, and vulnerable.

Tam Warner Minton - Clowns. I’ve always been afraid of clowns. I’m afraid someone will shoot me in the back, or through an open window at night. I’m afraid of death because I don’t know what happens. and remember Cloris Leachman on Mary Tyler Moore? She said, “Lars has a neurotic fear of swallowing hair”. Why do I remember that?

Janie Emaus - I’m always afraid of something coming up the toilet and wiggling into my butt! Irrational? Yes. But most fears are! Oh, and the hair in food, too. Unless it’s my own.

Sheryl - So funny! You’re not alone in some of these fears. I totally get the clown, the hair and the pit bull. What about parking garages? That’s a biggie for me.I feel like once I go in, I’ll never find my way out.

Doreen Mcgettigan - I am scared silly of all of those things too, especially stupid people. The one thing I am not afraid of is global warming. I’m just not. I love funny people and you are so funny!

Helene Cohen Bludman - LOL, I share most of your fears. Clowns definitely creep me out, and spiders? Ewwww!!!

Susan - Can’t say I agree w/all your fears but the politician view is definitely mine as well. I fear what kind of a world my grandchildren will grow up in! All our politicians care about is lining their own pockets & passing laws the rest of have to follow but they are exempt! Wish we could get a ground swell movement to let them know their exalted status is unwarranted & put fear into them if they don’t change.

Ruth Curran - Stupid people and bigots (and sometimes both of those classes come dressed as politicians) top my list as well — especially when others follow them! I am also afraid of fear mongers… more about politicians??

Tammy - Hi Mel, you’d be surprised how many men are afraid of insects too. Warms my heart. I remember screeching at the site of a spider the size of a Buick and asking Steven to kill it. His response “you kill it!”. Haaaa! I think Evil should have been on my list. Clearly my list is growing! Thanks for the read and the comment, my friend.

Tammy - Tam, you totally crack me up. I have no idea why you remember that (a secret phobia perhaps?). I loved that show! And if I swallowed hair I’d probably have to be hospitalized. Just saying. Thanks for being here and making me laugh!

Tammy - Oh, my gosh, Janie, my list just grew by one. I saw a video of a spider in Australia (as big as a Volkswagon) who hid under the lip of the toilet. They are accustomed to flushing before they sit down. The spider fought like hell but finally went down with the flush. Only to emerge seconds later back into the bowl. Oh HELL NO!

Tammy - I’ve never had a problem with parking garages, Sheryl, but something tells me I might after today. Especially the huge ones in downtown LA. If you don’t take a picture of your parking spot, you may never see it again!

Tammy - It’s CRAZY how many people are afraid of clowns, Helene. Makes me feel almost normal. Fabulous seeing you here!

Tammy - I so agree with you, Susan. SO agree. If there is a ground swell movement…I’ll be there. It’s disgusting what these politicians have done to our system and to the very people who voted them in. Something has got to change! So fun to have you here…what a pleasure!

Lois Alter Mark - Stupid people and bigots are terrifying — and there are so many of them!

Ande Lyons - External Fears… they’re easy breezy to handle. I see a spider, I get Darling Husband to kill it. Scary people I keep away with my special ninja aura shield. Flying… thank goodness for deep breathing and beta blockers.

Internal Fears… now those are very tricky and need special handling and attention. Running for the hills or using energetic ninja warfare only makes them louder and stronger. I’ve learned it’s best if I give them a voice… allow them to share why they’re scared… and then I give them a hug and thank them for teaching me more about myself and life.

LOVE YOU Goddess Tammy Bleck – MUAH!!
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Carolann - Oh my I would have to agree with you on a few of these fears too. Spiders, I hate them all. And hair in my food yikes! Yep, you are very normal when it comes to the fears department for sure. I’m not a fan of clowns either! Funny post. Thank you!
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Cindy Falteich - Fear is a completely understandable reaction to the above mentioned items, however, my husband would add that nothing is more frightening than me turning on the stove.

Cheryl Shaw - Amen to every word expressed by Howard Roper——–I did get stuck in a crowded elevator for about 2 hours in Mill Valley CA—–loved those firemen who set us free!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley Zurek - Fears of yours. Spiders do not lick themselves so sprays DO NOT work. You must spray the house to get to the bugs they are there to eat. Then they die.

Fears of mine: yep..hairy spiders
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carmenkane - Love your posts!!!

Fear persons in power such as:

Government auditors. Most of them have worked for years and years; are not certified accountants; nor CPA’s and know more than all the accountants and CPA’s in the world. Above all have the power to make decisions on matters they may not understand or be knowledgeable on. Therefore, you are WRONG!!!!, unless you have the resources to hire TOP GUNS and take them on. Most likely if these auditors know this…you are right!!!!!
Money talks and ………..

Keep your posts coming, amazing what it triggers in us!

Lisa at Grandma's Briefs - I have a pit bull. Sweetest thing ever. THIS is so true: “The truth is, it’s not the Pit Bull I should fear; it’s their human parents that can be off the wall nuts.”

What I’m scared of: Dying in a car accident (or just being banged up… which might be even worse) and falling down stairs. Any stairs. Anywhere. It’s a phobia, not just a fear. Really. More so that those I love will fall down the stairs.
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Carol Cassara - My primal fear is now mentally ill copilots alone in the cockpit.
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Tammy - I so agree, Lois. And some we may even be related to! OY!

Angela Weight - Love this. It was really funny. And I could very much relate, especially to hair in food and politicians. Love how you tied it all back to being normal in the last paragraph.
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Tammy - I REALLY need to get ahold of one of those ninja aura shields, Ande! That would make life so much easier! Interesting point you’ve made (genius), internal and external. Hmmmm, do I feel another blog coming on? Love you right back, Goddess Ande. I am your truest fan! MUAH!

Tammy - So happy you stopped by for the read, Carolann! I’m beginning to think that clowns must lead a very lonely life. No one else seems to care for their either. Perhaps…maybe….you never know….I could be more normal than I thought?

Tammy - HAAAAA, too funny, Cindy! I love that….and I think I love your husband too. You’re a hoot! Glad you enjoyed the read and REALLY glad you stopped by to comment. Thanks for that.

Tammy - Hi Shelley, I was told by our monthly service exterminator guy (Jim) that the spray gets on their feet and that they will die from it. Is he telling me a load of hooey? Geesh, you can’t trust anyone these days! The spider that jumped up in my face had “fur” on his legs. I swear, I thought my heart was in my throat. Aaaaaah!

Tammy - OMG, Carmen, this is an EXCELLENT fear and something tells me you have had first hand experience in this arena. You have my sympathies and invitation for a martini hour with me. LOVE hearing from you. LOVE it! xo

Tammy - Lisa, I SO agree about the Pit Bulls. You just never know who is on the other side of that leash (am I not talking about the furry one). Humans exploit the fact that Pits are uber strong and excellent fight dogs. But I’ve NEVER met a dog that would rather fight than get a belly rub. If only we could eliminate the crazy humans and propagate the awesome canines! What a perfect world it would be.

Tammy - OMG, Carol, can you believe it? I’m beyond stunned and mortified. Grief stricken for people I will never meet. As if we freaking needed another reason to be afraid to fly. God Almighty…the train is sounded better every day.

Tammy - Hi Angela, tying it all together is what I do best. Not saying that it makes much sense, but, hey, a girl can try. I LOVE that I’m not the only one who goes nuts about hair in my food. So glad you popped by for the read and happy that you shared your comment. Thanks for that.

Dana - Ok- You nailed me! I am so your soul sister and can relate to this all, although Kim as first lady is way less scary than some of the other scary things…just saying
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Tammy - Thanks, Dana. Since I’ve written that piece I’ve thought of half a dozen more things that are terrifying. Can we say “sequel”? I don’t know, Kanye West as first man sounds pretty damn scary to me!

When Good Friends Turn Out To Be Bad People. Get Ready, It’s About To Get Ugly.

I’ve had my belly full of unsolicited advice, ill spirited innuendo and “friendly” recommendations. I am not amused. I very recently had an in depth conversation with a newly made friend who wanted to level with me. Allow me to level it right back. Let’s do this. I am well aware that if I used […]

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Lisa Luckenbach - Amen!

Laura Lee Carter - AMEN! I just cut my sister free for EXACTLY those reasons!
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Sharon Hodor Greenthal - Those are NOT friends.

Susan - I agree 100%. With a major birthday next week, I feel I have deserved to be the gal who now chooses where and with whom to spend my time. Age can bring
Powerful knowledge with experience behind those many every day decisions.
Peace reigns !!

Laura Lee Carter - AMEN! Life is far too short to maintain relationships with nasty people!

T.O. Weller - Amen!!
I’ve been much less tolerant of such things in the last year or so, like menopause lifted the veil and I suddenly saw the light.

Rather than wasting my time with people that show no desire to support, accept, understand or protect my feelings (while feeling quite happy to get it from me), I simply walk away.

At first, I wondered if it was my problem. That maybe I’d become too intolerant. But, after a great deal of self-reflection, I’ve come to see that I was too tolerant before, and I’m finally acting from a place of self-worth and self-respect.

Again … Amen!!

Thank you Tammy.
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Michele Linse Jeffers - Preach it, sista! I didn’t like high school much when I was a teenager and I sure don’t like it any better now! Away with the haters!

Frankie Foster - AMEN Sista Tammy!!! I think as we get older we get more greys for a reason, gaining more faith in our instincts.

Anne Aria Tichauer - AMEN! Loved your article, Tammy!

Melanie Kissell - With friends like this, who needs enemies?

Melanie Kissell - Yeah, Tammy, I just love it when a ‘friend’ tells me there’s a current special on Botox or she can take me (drag me) to a free day at the local gym as her guest. Those kinds of hints are not appreciated and they don’t resemble friendship in any way. A person who points out your flaws and/or shortcomings is someone you should show the exit.

Sherry Macdonald - You go Girl! I agree be yourself, love yourself. Sometimes we just have to let them go. I love you image! Thank you!
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Carmen - Amen, Amen, Amen,

Who needs “so called good friends”!

I refer to these people as non-entities!

Barbara Hammond - I couldn’t agree more! I used to tolerate toxic people, but no more. It helps knowing and believing it is all THEIR problem, never yours. Good job calling them out!
b
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Tammy - Susan, age DOES bring power. Or maybe we are just wising up and the power was there all along. Personally I am super aware that more than half my life has already been lived. So, I have no patience spending whatever time I have left with people who are downright mean. Hell no! You are so right….peace does reign! xo

Tammy - Thanks, Carmen! Non entities is a GREAT title for these horrible human beings. So happy you enjoyed the read!

Tana Bevan - Amen, Tammy. Amen.
For the record, the above applies to family members as well. Toxic is toxic. All organisms want to live and be as healthy as possible. Better to trim the toxicity than allow it to consume you. I’m all for clutter clearing the negative people out of your life, leaves room for those who love you … particularly those who do so unconditionally. *hugs*
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Doreen Mcgettigan - AMEN! These are definitely not friends and I hate to admit I spent more then half of my life trying to please them. Moving on…

Cheryl Nicholl - Yes you do —- AMEN. Now, what to do with a sister that’s the same toxin? Ya know what? Let ‘er go, that’s what. AMEN.
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Cheryl Nicholl - I have no time for this BULLSHIT either. No time. You’re either with me or you can go. I’m feeling you sista!

Joan Cooper - You said wiser things, but …comfort food …. yum yum !

I too am going through a most difficult time and have been doing comfort food. Glad to know I am not alone with this.

Joan Cooper

Carol Cassara - Amen from here, too. I am so glad I don’t have anyone like that in my world and like you? I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behavior. UGH.

Tammy - This was a no brainer for me, Barbara. Call her out I did! Toxic is the BEST word (where were you when I was writing this piece). So glad you enjoyed the read and gladder still to have you here!

Tammy - Thanks, Lisa! No surprise to me that we are on the same page! Love knowing you are on the other side of my blog. Love it!

Tammy - No kidding, Sharon! Didn’t take long to figure that out. Can you imagine….someone saying all that to you to “help” you. Oh, hell no! Bye-Bye, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Tammy - Isn’t it funny, Laura Lee (not in a ha-ha way) that family thinks they are immune from kindness and manners? Yeah, no! Toxic is toxic. Period. So happy for you that you were able to cut the negative string!

Tammy - I’m thinking, T.O., that age factors in to our decision making process regarding “friends”. We know better, we have less time and we are less willing to suffer idiots and mean people! Coming from a place of self-worth and self-respect takes work…don’t we know it!! Thank you for being here. Really!

Tammy - Ugh, high school was the WORST, Michele! Some people never grow out of it, I guess. Too bad. It must be so awful to walk this earth thinking you know everything and wondering why no one likes you. You’re right …. no time for haters!! Appreciate the read and the comment!

Tammy - Hi Frankie, I’ve heard it said many times over “I’ve earned these gray hairs!”. Our instincts rarely fail us. But isn’t it funny how much louder they speak to us as we get older? Thrilled to have you here. Thanks for that!

Tammy - Hi Anne, thanks so much for the support! Love you for that…and so much more! So happy to know you are on the other side of my blog!

Tammy - Precisely, Melanie! There was time I would try to understand and tolerate comments like that. Not any more. Get a clue or hit the road. We are here on this earth to support one another the best we can, and offer the kindness of our heart. If you can’t do that, what is the point of anything?

Tammy - EEEEYIKES, Melanie, you have those friends too?! Not okay. I did show her the door. And I’m hoping you did too! We are FABULOUS just the way we are. And if we want to improve ourselves (and I do), we will then be even more fabulous! So wonderful having you in my camp. So wonderful!!!!

Tammy - Thanks, Sherry, for the support. You’re awesome! Letting go gets easier as you get older. Sometimes you just don’t have the time or the heart to wait to tolerate such negative people. I haven’t mentioned here before but the person who levied all this stuff on me is faaaar from perfect herself. I did not point out her many shortcomings. In the end, I was a better friend to her than she was to me. Thank you for being here…so appreciate your comment!

Tammy - I so agree with you, Tana. I find it ever so puzzling that family members often think they are immune to kindness or caring. Perhaps they think that because they are related that you have to accept and love them. No. No we don’t. You are SO right, toxic IS toxic. Cut it off and move on. Sad that it becomes necessary but we are not the instigators. There is pity little we can control in this life. Who we share it with is one of things that we can. Best we do!!!

Tammy - No, Dorren, they are NOT friends. You are not alone. Many of us tolerated this bull for years. We wanted to be nice about it. Nice has nothing to do with it. We get to choose who we share our life with. Something I learned after years of anguishing over it. Move on it right, girl! Thank you!

Tammy - I hear about toxic sisters more than anything else, Cheryl. I often wonder why. But you are right, of course. Let it go and move on. Living a life without negative toxic people makes for a much nicer canvas.

Tammy - Comfort foods are a blessing and a curse, Joan. It’s not the best way to deal with problems. I’m working on it. I’m hoping your difficult times get better….fast. Always great to hear from you!

Rosalind Warren - Amen, sister. I love a good rant. And this is a damn good rant. :)

Elaine Plummer - Who wants to hear that – I guess I do, but only if I ask and only if for sure you are a trusted friend. Don’t want a new “friend” evaluating my being – harsh!

Ande Lyons - AMEN Sister Goddess Friend Tammy!

When someone shows you who they really are… believe them… and run for the hills!

Bullying comes in many forms… as the daughter of a woman who thrived on diminishing and reducing someone all in the name of “I know best” and “you’re too sensitive” … I am well aware of friends who do not have your best interests at heart.

My favorite quote:

“If you don’t feel it, free from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” ~ Paul Davis

Thank you for always sharing the Ugly Truths … the deserve a voice, too.

With deep appreciation and love for YOU,

Ande
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Kathleen O'Donnell - I guess that’s why the saying “with friends like that who needs enemies” exists! Dump ‘em, I say. We are all already plagued with insecurities. Yes, I know I’ve gained 17 lbs in the past year. I’m not blind. My friends tell me I’m beautiful and perfect. Must be why they’re my friends! Loved this post.

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
Here’s your AMEN!
With friends like that you don’t need enemies.
Constructive criticism may be helpful, but who needs it swimming in malice? You know who you are and you don’t need people suggesting a wholesale rearrangement of body parts. Yes, we could all stand some improvement, but as Popeye says, “I yam what I yam.”

Cathy Chester - Get rid of toxic energy – I started doing that at 50. Your true friends are the ones who love you unconditionally. We only live once, so we may as well surround us with people who we trust and are honest with us (my two requirements for TRUE friends.) Great post, Tammy

Tammy - I had never heard that quote before, Ande. I just love it. “Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated”. Brilliant! I look back on this new friendship and know that not one word out of her mouth was meant to help me. It was to make me aware that she was better in every way. Which, by the way, is far from the truth. It’s sad, really, that people feel the need to be that cruel and destructive. I’m sure she has said the same to many who may have actually believed her. What a shame. I will not partake in such blatant disrespect for my person. Not for one single minute. Having cyber friends like you, Ande, always cheer me on, up and forward. Thank you for that, my friend.

Tammy - Hi Kathleen, you are SO right. No enemies needed if she is my friend. Which she is not. Insecurities are part of the world … at least mine. I’m often told how confident I am. Perhaps so, but it’s confidence tempered with insecurity. I think I love your friends and congratulate you for choosing wisely. So very happy you liked the post and happier still to read your comment! Thanks for that.

Tammy - I love it, thank you, Mel! I do not believe that kindness and caring was the motive for those kinds of comments. You are correct, they were filled with malice. Who the hell needs that?! Life is tough enough. We should take care to eliminate those factors which make it harder still. What a pleasure you are. Truly. Thanks for popping by. Always enjoy our exchange.

Susan Smart - There is enough meanness in the world….we don’t need it
in our own lives. I am sorry that you were “attacked”…she must be a very unhappy person…you deserve so much more. I value and trust our friendship….love you x

Tammy - You said it, Susan, there is plenty of meanness and stupid stuff swirling around us as it is. This person was a friend of a friend who wanted to “reach out” and help me after only knowing me for a month. I accepted her because of our mutual friend but quickly discovered that she needed everyone around her to know that SHE was the best there is. Completely delusional and rather sad. I know you won’t be surprised to learn that all that I wrote I told her in person. It hurt my feelings for about one hot minute. Then it just pissed me off. And you know what happens when that happens. I deserve friends that are true blue and forever. Like you. Love you right back. And Cassie too! xo

Estelle Sobel Erasmus - Amen to that. I don’t waste time with people who are envious and try to bring you down.

Sue - Awesomely written… Talked to me for sure… Damn you are good…and I miss and love you. Thanks for sharing with us friend.

Eli@coachdaddy - The older we get, the less tolerant we seem to be about soul-sucking influences in our lives. Can you imagine if we learned the lessons earlier?
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Tammy - Thanks, Sue. Great minds think alike. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Miss and love you too! xo

Tammy - I can only imagine, Eli. But I do LOVE your reference to the “soul-sucking influences”! Hahahahahahaa. You are so right on! Thanks for the read and the awesome comment!

Myrna Alpern - TAMMY my friend,
That kind of “advice” from your ” friend” happens only when a person looks at the outside and never looks inside to see the real you. Your inner beauty, that shines through when you smile or laugh. Your humor, that makes us look at life and see the nonsense that people think of as important. Your love and loyalty, to your wonderful husband for all to see and especially, your empathy and sensitivy for others. Tammy, this is what I and others see when we are in your presence or read your writings, so to you I say Amen

Sandra Rea - I haven’t been here in a while, but I chose the right day. I just recently ended a very toxic friendship… if you could call it a friendship. I don’t think a “friend” should always have her hand out for me to fill it because she can’t pay her bills, she’s going to lose her office, she needs to pay “our” (I truly laugh at that one) programmer so she can get me what I supposedly paid her to do in the first place. I don’t think a friend should preach at me about HER beliefs and how anyone else’s are wrong. I don’t believe a friend should always expect me to pay for lunches. I don’t believe friends are supposed to lie and cause drama. But, hey, maybe that’s just me…

Chellie Campbell - Great article! Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “Honest criticism is hard to take, especially from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.”—Franklin P. Jones. I’m with you about scaling your work so you can have a rich and wonderful life outside of the office. I had a business with 13 employees and worked 80 hour weeks. Now it’s just me in my home office and I can take off whenever I want! Yeah, I could go for the Tony Robbins model of seminar leader, but I just never thought that looked good to me. Who wants to stand on your feet for 12 hours for 4 days? Yuck. I deliver extraordinary results for my clients in 2 hours a week for 8 weeks on the phone, and I’ve made a six-figure income since 1995. That’s plenty, thanks, and I love my life!!

Tammy - Hi Sandra, so glad you decided to pop in when you did. NO! The person you described is definitely NOT a friend. I’m thinking you chose VERY wisely in cutting the strings that bound you this kind of “friendship”. HUGE kudos to you, Sandra! So happy to have you back!

Carol Cassara - I swear I commented on this before, but I’m here to tell you that you should never tolerate this kind of behavior. Good for you for ending things!
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cheryl Shaw - AMEN!!!!!!!!!!Oh Thank you!!!!!!! I love you——and you are sooooooooo right!!I have been wrestling with an issue about my sister (twin) and you have helped me sooooooooooo much. Are you going to be in this area soon—-this blog makes me think of our
“special” friend linda who lives in this area although no one speaks to her anymore——–her loss.

Helene Cohen Bludman - I am shouting AMEN. Do you hear it clear across the country?

Haralee - AMEN!!! I think this also applies to family members and in laws too!
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Tammy - Hi Cheryl, SO HAPPY this spoke to you! And even happier to know you are still on the other side! Hope to visit Colorado sooner rather than later, but time will tell. You bet I won’t visit without stopping in to see my two besties at Bluffmont! Good luck with the sister thing. It absolutely includes family! They can often be the worst offenders. Shame on them but shame on us if we allow it. Talk soon! xo

Tammy - Thanks, Haralee, you are SO RIGHT! It absolutely applies to family members as well! Actually, they are often the worst offenders. Probably because they believe that there is nothing you can do about it since they are family. They would be wrong! Appreciate the read and the comment. Thanks for that!
A

Ines Roe - Absolutely – we don’t have time in life to deal with negativity. We need to focus on the positive influences in our life that empower us and support us. We need to decline the offer of negativity!!!

Lois Alter Mark - YES! I have removed all the negative, competitive, mean-spirited people from my life. They were never real friends if they could act that way. By the time we reach this age, we should know that!
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Andi - AMEN! Times two! I am all about no-drama and will cut out anybody who doesn’t approach life with a glass half-full mentality – life is too short to be surrounded by negative people!
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Ruth Curran - I want to live like this: “Friendship is about loving and supporting each other. It’s about protecting the other’s feelings, being there no matter what, crying with them and plotting vengeance when it’s called for. A good friend is tolerant, understanding, patient, uncritical and forever respectful.” Every. Single. Day. I love that you get it!
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Elin Stebbins Waldal - my dad used to say, “With friends like that, who needs enemies!” When I would describe some version of friendship drama as a teen. If someone can’t love you as you are then it says a whole lot more about them than it does about you. Enjoy the liberation from what sounded like a destructive relationship.
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Tammy - Thank you, Ruth. I love that I get it too! Don’t we wish that everyone did?! Thank you for the read and the awesome comment!

Tammy - Thanks, Elin, this “relationship” didn’t make it past the one month mark. I’ve gotten smarter as I’ve gotten older! I tolerated it that long because we were introduced by a mutual friend whom I love and adore. I had to advise her that as sorry as I was, I was unable to share her enthusiasm for her dear friend. She understood and just yesterday asked me how she can go about doing the same thing. Go figure! Happy to popped by. Loved hearing form you.

J.L. Cheatham II - awesome! We said!

Tammy - Thanks, J.L., happy to have you here!

If You’re Over The Hill, Prepare To Get Thrown Under The Bus

The point is, age does not equal ignorance, incapability, or unwillingness. To think so, however, does equal inexperience, unawareness and stupidity.

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Sharon Greenthal - Preach it! You are so right!
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Pam@over50feeling40 - Well said!
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Betsy Cobbs - What a great post, Tammy! I only hope that the under 50 and especially the 32 year old HR person who prompted this post on your blog! Betsy (Suerae’s Mom)

Chellie Campbell - Hi, Tammy – this is a great article! Good for you for standing up for us older folks. We are still capable of amazing things! Harry Bernstein, who published his first book at age 96 and then 3 more before passing away at 101, said “My nineties were the most productive years of my life.” I’ll just say that owning your own business is the ticket–you don’t have to argue for a seat at the table if you own the table.

Tammy - Hi Betsy, so lovely to meet you here. I’m a big fan of your daughter’s work (and her in general!). I emailed the post to HR person directly. I don’t imagine I will be hearing from her but I’m hoping it might jar a change of heart and mind. Stranger things have happened. Thanks ever so for the read and the comment. Welcome!

Tammy - Thanks Sharon, I’m out there making friends (snicker) and telling it like it is. Happy to see you here, thanks for that.

Tammy - Thanks, Pam, I thought so too. Although I’m sure not everyone agrees. Truth is truth, let it shine! Appreciate the read and the comment!

Carol Graham - Fabulous points. I am grateful that so far this has not been a problem for me because I have worked for myself for over 40 years!

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
A most spirited article against ageism, but there is a gulf between what is, and what should be. A young HR person would never be crass enough to say, “you’re too old,” in the same way he would never say, “you’re black,” I can’t hire you,” but the result, sadly will be the same: NO job. You are good to fight the good fight.
Personally, I feel drowned by the technological wave. It’s a miracle I can do email.

Laurie Schwarz Hurley - Knowing what I do for a living, you just KNOW I loved this! Sharing on my business page. Power to the “old ladies!”

Carol Cassara - That’s just crazy talk, that’s what I say. Crazy talk. That HR person needs to be educated.
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Tammy - No kidding, Carol. You got that right! We can only hope that progress includes those of us who know what it really means.

Tammy - AND you do blogs, Mel! You are not quite as tech challenged as you believe. But, it is easy to get drowned in it all. I fear you are correct, no matter what we put out there, the results will remain the same. That is …. until the HR people are our age. Interesting to see what happens then. Payback can be a bitch.

mickey - You KNOW I absolutely agree with every word- having been self-employed my entire life!
You rock my friend.

Joan Cooper - “There is no substitute for experience…” Be it the social media (I still do not have the courage to do that), iphones etc etc. I do have a desk top computer and run my world with that and a cell phone, and I run a number of other worlds as well and I will challenge anyone doing what I am doing.

Well, I know that is too long a sentence

Carry on, Tammy, your gift for words is awesome.

Joan Cooper

Stephanie Haibloom, Psy.D. - Great blog on Ageism! I am teaching a workshop in 2 weeks on Ageism for clinicians and will be pointing my class to this blog.

Tammy - Mickey, those of us who have been self employed have found different biases, no lie. Ageism has seldom been one of them, at least in my world. Doing what I do now, my age actually counts in my favor. Having been around the block qualifies me to show others how to do it. But those of us who are seeking full time employment in the corporate world and who happen to be 50+,its a whole other matter completely. It gladdens me to know that you are still on the other end of my blog. (smile) Love you, Mickey.

Tammy - There is NO substitute for experience, Joan, you are so right. I happen to know that you are well over 50 and you run a company and “so many other worlds”. Kudos! You are the proof of the pudding, my friend. Thanks so much for being here!

Laura Cook - #ageism thanks Tammy! Still having to handle the stigmatizm!

Tam Warner Minton - Yeah! So there! I know more about social media than my kids do!

Tammy - I have to laugh at that, Tam. I remember asking my kidlet for some social media advice a few years back. She was a bit less that patient as evidently I was asking the same question more than once. Now, I’d wager that I can draw rings around her social media skills. Not to take away from her intellect, but to add credence to the notion that us old dogs do indeed learn a lot of new tricks…and have fun doing it!

Ruth Curran - This part of the choir is singing Amen and Hallelujah. Right now
I am in an environment on a volunteer project where the average age of the volunteers is 55 and we are valued. How do we transfer that thinking to the corporate world? Another beautifully articulated piece Tammy.

Tammy - Thanks for sharing that, Ruth. I didn’t even tap in to the contributions made by our generation. They are immense and so necessary to our world. Your questions is a good one. Corporate America does not seem to be waking up to the tremendous talent out there because it is labeled with a date of birth beyond their grasp. On behalf of us all, thank your for your volunteer hours, and your kind heart. And…thank you for being here!

Carmen - Great, great blog!

I would like to ask the 32 year old H.R. Specialist….who paid or assisted with her college costs.

It just may have been that 50 plus year old grandparent!

Readers: Please try the following on our young people (who are so proficient with today’s tools). If your bill is for example $40.52…try giving them $41.02…they stare at the money and have no idea what to do. My two-cents worth.

Keep up the great posts!

Tammy - Haaaaa! Good one, Carmen, and probably true. I actually had that kind of encounter with a cashier over a week ago. She was so upset with me and thrown for a loop. Didn’t have a clue. I would have felt sorry for her but her ignorance was jarring and pathetic. It made me worry for the future. Not the first time that’s happened. Probably not the last. God help us all! Happy to know you are still out there. Thanks for that! xo

Maureen Musgrave Armentrout - So true!!

kristen houghton - Many thanks,Tammy!

Lois Alter Mark - So true! I don’t understand why our country doesn’t respect the wisdom that comes with age the way certain other cultures do. The obsession with youth is ridiculous.

Rebecca Olkowski - I actually amaze myself at how techie I am. Blogs, social media, etc. I often show people half my age how it all works. I don’t know how I managed to figure it all out because I never demonstrated that ability when I was in school. (graduated 71) I’ve worked in the entertainment industry for the last 35 years as an actor. If you’re over 25 in the biz you’re considered ancient unless you’re lucky to be Meryl Streep.
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Tammy - Thanks, Maureen. So appreciate hearing it. Lovely to see you at my recent presentation on blogging. Hope you got some good take away! Thanks for stopping by!

Tammy - My pleasure, Kristen! I’m ever so pleased to have you here!

Tammy - It’s amazing what we pick up and learn, isn’t it Rebecca? I also graduated in 71. The entertainment biz is a rough go once you start to age. Who is lucky enough to be Meryl Streep?! I’m betting there are days she wonders that herself. I’m so happy you enjoyed the read and happier still you stopped by to share with me. Thanks for that.

Carpool Goddess - Agism stinks! Though I was excited to hear that my mom’s friend who is in her late 60’s was recently hired to speak at a real estate convention to teach the young whippersnappers how it’s done. We need more of that.
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Carolann - I have seen so many times exactly what you are talking about. A relative of mine is going through this exact situation. I could not have said it better myself! You nailed it! What an inspiring article. I know just who to pass this gem along to. I hope it helps her in her time of frustration. Great post! Loved it!
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Doreen McGettigan - I really hate that mindset too. We are the fastest growing demographic.
I teach several workshops on social media and the face on some young people that walk into the class is priceless. I am quite proud to stun them with my knowledge and I take great pleasure in them telling me that in my class they learned more in 3 hours than they ever did about social media and marketing.
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Tammy - YES, we DO need more of THAT, Goddess Linda! I’m excited for your friend too. Speaking is an awesome occupation, and one that my age (61) has benefited me in achieving. I show the young whippersnappers how to do it all the time and it thrills me to no end. Thanks for stopping by and sharing! Awesome!

Tammy - I do so love when my posts are shared. Thanks for that, Carolann. I hope it gives her the punch she needs to get through. She is not alone. So very many of my friends and some family are going through this dilemma. It’s so wrong. I’m hoping to change a mind or two. We have to start somewhere. So happy to have you here!

Tammy - Hi Doreen, don’t ya just love being underestimated?! I do. It happens all the time. Keep up the good work. You are the face of success to many. So glad you enjoyed the read. I certainly enjoyed your comment!

Estelle - Our country is way behind other countries in respect for age and the wisdom of the older generation.
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Melanie Kissell - The time will come when all those youngsters in human resources departments will be our age. Just one word, Tammy … KARMA. ;-)

Kathleen O'Donnell - The one thing that hasn’t changed over the centuries is that the youngsters always think they know more than the older folks. As hard as it is going to be for this generation to believe, their kids will roll their eyes and think they’re all dinosaurs some day too!

Tammy - You are so right, Estelle. And what a shame that is!

Barbara Hammond - You nailed it! I had owned several business by the time I was 50 and embraced technology from the first time I touched the little MAC. Unless you’ve grown older in a cave you have to keep up with tech or you will definitely be left behind. I have friends who dabble with FB, and that’s fine if that’s all they want to do. I’m weak with twitter, but always learning. Fortunately I have my own business, so no little pip squeak can give me bullshit about heading straight for 65 and not knowing what I’m doing.
Great post!
b
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Tammy - Thanks, Barbara. Love that you use the word “pipsqueak”! I do too … all the time. One of the major advantages of being self employed is that you get to determine what your boundaries are. A huge plus in my book! Our generation has so much gathered Intel that is being completely discarded by corporate America. What a waste! So glad for the read and happy you enjoyed it!

Cheryl Nicholl - Seriously? Some one said ‘our’ generation is not as tech savvy ? Have they read our blogs?

Is It Just Me, Or Does Valentine’s Day Suck?

Women love it, men dread it and singles hate it. Welcome to Valentine’s Day. When I was newly married (eons ago), one of my first Valentine’s Day gifts was a Hoover vacuum. Clearly he had missed the meaning of the occasion. Sadly this was not the worst gift I’ve ever received on the day of […]

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T.O. Weller - Tammy, thank you so much for the encore — I would hate to think that I’d missed it!

I’m not sure if I’ve simply grown cynical or whether I just see it for what it really is: a day manufactured to make us consume (i.e. spend after the Christmas bills have come in).

My favorite VDs (LOVE that!) involved no money. A walk in the snow, a quiet dinner together at home … but then, these are things that can happen any day and they’d be just as lovely.

My brand new husband feels strongly that a card should be a part of the day, so I’ll shop for one this afternoon to make him happy.

My grown son has been in a tizzy trying to figure out what he will do for his current girlfriend. He goes all out (do these things skip a generation?).

After I find the card, I think I’ll head over the pet store. :)
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Carol Cassara - The Hallmark holidays can be problematic…who knew that it was the biggest break up day?
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Tam Warner Minton - Valentines Day is not a big deal to me….after all, my husband usually forgot it, or hastily went out and bought flowers at the grocery. At least he never bought me a vacuum cleaner! I would’ve killed him.

mel glenn - I don’t know the roots of VD day, but I wonder if it is a conspiracy dreamed up in the corporate headquarters of Hallmark in Kansas City. I hate to be a curmudgeon here, but it is completely a manufactured holiday. Would that every day be a Valentine’s day and love and care is expressed all the days of the year. But maybe men need reminding how lucky they are if they have someone who puts up with them.
But your encore column is valuable and makes a good point about actual expectations.

Melanie Kissell - I’m laughing SO hard, I can barely type! “Candy or brandy”? I’ll take the brandy (cause I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need a stiff VD drink) ;-) And I sure hope you get that lawn mower for your birthday.

Melanie Kissell - My sweetie is a song writer and poet. I’m sure to get a few love lines in my inbox on Valentine’s Day. Sure beats a fast food burger and an oil change! LOL!

Donna Beckman Tagliaferri - Your statistics were depressing, but sadly not surprising. I also received a vacuum cleaner which I threw down the hall way.

Susan Melchiori - I don’t think I can top yours (who could), but this is our first Valentine’s Day together, and he has to work all weekend. So, yea, this year kinda sucks.

Kathleen O'Donnell - The fact that a dead, fictional woman gets more VD cards that living women explains another VD fact. The suicide rate is second only to New Years Eve. There you have it.

Tammy - Hi T.O., I don’t think you’ve grown cynical, I think you’ve wised up…like most of us. When you are young (like your son) you want very much to jump in and get it right. Years teach us that Hallmark is usually the only one that gets it right and we are just pawns in the love scheme. I appreciate any reason to share love and gratitude. I don’t buy into the hype, but I do buy into the sharing of my love and adoration for the man I’m lucky enough to be with. But then again, I do that every day. Happy VD, my friend. Enjoy that walk in the snow.

Tammy - Hi Carol, holidays in general can be problematic at my house. Stress always seems to accompany the expectation. VD day is an easy one for me to skip. I know, right?? What kind of schmuck breaks up with you on VD day? Geesh! Happy to hear from you! Thanks for popping in.

Tammy - Mel, I will be a curmudgeon with you. And, yes, it is a Hallmark holiday. But, the girl in me welcomes any opportunity to receive lovely flowers and a caring card from the one she loves. Truth is, it is a common occurrence in our house. You have no idea how grateful I am for that. Happy you enjoyed the encore. It’s one of two posts that I get repeated requests for. Happy day of love to you and your beautiful wife.

Tammy - And yet another reason to dislike VD day, Kathleen. Thanks for sharing, but man, that was damn depressing to read. It really should be called It Sucks To Be Singled Out Single Day. That way all of the singles would receive lovely gifts from the rest of the world. Don’t think Hallmark will buy into it.

Lisa Carpenter - I neither love nor hate Valentine’s Day. I must say, though, I’d be delighted if my husband was “average” and spent $156 on me. Well, maybe not as that money could be used in better ways than giving gifts because he felt obligated because of the date on the calendar. Interesting thoughts here. And my (former) preschool teacher daughter can attest to the bazillion Valentine’s teachers receive. Happy VD to you and yours… like it or not.

Rosalind Warren - The biggest relationship break-up day of the year? Why am I not surprised? (I wonder how many of those relationships end after the guy gifts his beloved with a brand new vacuum cleaner? )

Lois Alter Mark - I love this! I guarantee there will be no $156 gifts between my husband and me. After 33+ years together, the greatest gift is that we’re still together and happy that we are!

Cathy Chester - Except for grade school VD has never meant a whole lot, partly because it’s my bday six days prior and partly because, well, I guess that’s it. I love romance and all, but my husband and I just spend quality time together. Welcome to the Hallmark holiday.

Joan Cooper - Too too funny !!! How do you do your research ? Fabulous info.

Well, I am not romantic, so I just send one Valentine out of respect for someone who is more romantic than me. Honest – I look for something I think he would like or laugh at and that is it. That is all.

Am I missing something ?

Joan

Ruth Curran - The biggest break up day of the year…. I am not surprised. Rose growers, chocolate makers, and Hallmark win this one don’t they?
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Tammy - A Hallmark holiday indeed, Cathy! Grade school on VD day was stressful for me. It was before the teachers made the rule that if you are going to distribute valentines, make sure everyone gets one or no one gets one. It was a popularity contest and I don’t recall ever being part of the “in” crowd. It’s hard when you’re a kid and you walk away with a couple of valentines and much of the class gets tons. I look back now and am happy there is an all or nothing rule for those kids who don’t quite fit in.

Tammy - And that’s all it should be, Joan. All the hype is just smoke and mirrors. You are missing nothing, you are right on target! Happy VD my friend!

Tammy - Yup, Ruth, if only to be a florist or a chocolate maker! Otherwise, you can have it!

Greg - I love this article! Thanks Tammy! Here’s my version, in The Good Men Project: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/i-know-where-all-the-good-men-are-hanging-out-wcz/

Greg

Christina Embry - This year instead of going out for an overpriced dinner in a crowded restaurant, we are cooking dinner together and enjoying a peaceful house without kids! Along with some candlelight and a movie….oh and romance too!

Tammy - Hi Greg, so glad you enjoyed the read! I enjoyed yours as well and happy to leave a comment. Glad we found each other….like minds, and all.

Tammy - Perfect plan, Christina. I’m right there with you! Happy VD to you!

Carol Cassara - I agree in so many ways! Which is why today I am redefining Valentine’s Day over here: http://www.boomeon.com/posts/a-true-day-of-love-instead-a-day-for-true-love
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Mary - Valentine’s Day is my favorite day! Not because I was always in a relationship or for the presents, it’s my day to show all those who I love how much they mean to me. I did not know it was the most popular break up day!
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Greg - Yes, Tammy :-) I’m glad we found each other as well. You ROCK!
Happy Valentines Day!

Cathy Sikorski - Ah, yes….Valentines Day! More screw ups than any other day, for sure. But I do so adore chocolate, and buy it on sale the day after……as no one has ever given me chocolate for VD,

Tammy - Haaa! YES, it IS the day of most screw-ups! Too funny. I buy Red Hots this time of year. Hard to find them otherwise. Happy VD Cathy!

Tammy - Loved your post, Carol and shared it! Redefining VD in the most wonderful way!

Tammy - And, Mary, evidently VD has the second highest suicide rate holiday out of the year…first being New Years eve. Good grief! Kind of takes the pink and red sparkle out of things. It is a pretty holiday, and I enjoy seeing hearts and flowers everywhere. I’m thinking the world be a brighter place if we left them up all year round.

Tammy - Thank you, my friend. The feeling is mutual, Greg!

Doreen McGettigan - My first husband bought me a blender for our first Valentine’s together. I threw it out the window and threw him out the door not long after.
My current forever husband is pretty romantic and creative with gifts all year so we don’t make that big a deal for Valentine’s.

Tammy - Thanks, Doreen, for todays laugh! Man Follow Blender sounds like a good title for a blog! Thrilled for you that you found your happiness!

Carolann - I had to laugh while I was reading this because every time I saw VD I kept on thinking of well…you know what lol. Secondly, I have to say, I taught my hubby well. Every year he lets me choose my own gift and yes I love it that. I get exactly what I want! Maybe it’s not the most romantic thing ever, but at least I know I’m ending up with something I want and/or need. Great post. I really enjoyed it!
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Gary Dent - Ladies, If you want something from your man, TELL HIM! Most men are good at taking requests. And we’re very bad at reading hints!

Tammy - Just viewed your response, Carolann, you cracked me up…thanks for that! I LOVE your technique. It’s a win-win proposition. And why not?! I do believe your idea could catch on bit time! Hope it was grand.

Those Were The Days, My Friend ….

Remember when you were younger (much younger) and you thought your life was crap? Fast forward 40 years or so and look back. Turns out it was pretty damn awesome and you don’t remember being miserable about all the things you didn’t have. I recently posted a TBT (Throw Back Thursday) picture on my Facebook […]

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T.O. Weller - Tammy, I love the glasses! I believe I had the same pair.

How right you are! My new husband and I found one another when his daughters and my son were 19 and up. For many couples our age (these days), that might have meant learning how to live with them as much as with each other. Yikes!!

Thankfully, aside from small stays to help them get over bumps in the road, they are truly ‘grown and flown’ … and they’re proud of it. We are the only couple in our social group whose kids are out; our friends look on in amazement and we bite our tongue. They may complain, but they haven’t taught their children to fly.

It’s as the saying goes, “Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; teach him how to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.”
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mel glenn - Even though we tend to romanticize the past, I do believe that today’s kids suffer “entitlementitis”. We did have to work for the things we got. Your column brought back memories of my first apartment,and our struggles made us stronger.
I do believe economics have changed and it is harder for kids today to make it on their own. Did we have SO much student debt?
Nicely done!

Karen D. Austin - Great photo and helpful stats. I volunteer with people in their 80s and 90s, so I try to embrace the joys of my current life stage. And I’m hoping my kids can launch before I get too old to support them in one way or another. I’ll be 57 when my baby graduates from high school — and who knows how old I’ll be when my two kids finish college?
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Carol Cassara - It’s funny, I never thought my life was crap…for some reason I just went where the wind blew me and it only got better. I try to impart that to younger people I know who do think they have tough times.
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mariilyn tichauer - Thanks Tanny for reminding us what we didn’t get. We tried really hard not to endulge our children, but also enjoyed treating them. Thank goodness they are all financially independent….Whew!!!!!

Tammy - Hi T.O., my grandpa would use the “fish” phrase all the time. Brilliant then and now. It seems we lived in a culture where it never occurred to us to NOT start at the bottom. Our kids culture doesn’t even want to entertain the thought. Because most don’t have to. While it is an easier road to hoe, I can’t help but feel something is lost to them. So happy to see your here!

Donna Highfill - Great blog – my daughter is in a tiny apartment in NYC with old furniture and cheap pictures and I am so glad. I’ve often said we’ve eliminated hope by giving everything up front and making it about us. Giving feels good, but our kids need to feel they’ve earned it. Loved this.

Tammy - Hi Mel, boy, you got that right when you spoke about the student debt! I believe that parents should pay for their kids education (if they at all can). It’s the other stuff. The good stuff. The cars, houses, furniture, lifestyle. That was something we had to start from scratch to get to. Something we hard to work hard for. Not so much the Millennials of today. I still wonder … is that a good thing?

Joan Cooper - Ahhhh the ‘old days’. I would like to share something with you that just happened to me in the now. It may not impress you but it did impress me as a discerning, observant, kind, thoughtful comment from someone you would never expect to speak to you except to ask for a ‘hand out’.

I finished gassing my car (I forgot the word ‘clutch’, Tammy), and was by the driver side door. A street person – you know by the cardboard sign being carried – walked past me on the way to the office. I barely glanced up, but he said “…you dropped something…” I looked at him and he added…”you dropped a smile…”.

Thats’ like the ‘old days’. You don’t know a person by their clothes or possessions.

Joan

Tammy - I hear you, Karen. I would tease my daughter all the time that I can’t wait for her to support me in the lifestyle to which I had become accustomed. Thank goodness, she is doing wonderfully on her own in a job she loves that earns her good income. Thank God for small favors! We hope our kids launch and thrive. Fingers crossed!

Tammy - I’m with you, Carol. I always remember being happy and content. I look back and see I had nothing. NOTHING. It’s all about perception. I always perceived that if I wanted something, I’d have to work for it. The tough times never seemed tough back then. Maybe happiness really is in the pursuit. Who knew?!

Tammy - Hi sweet Marilyn, so fun to see you here! Having had an only child, I can’t escape the reality that we most likely over-indulged her as she grew up. No guilt here. I think it’s what comes from have an “only”. Having your kids be financially independent is beyond heaven for us, as parents. But I still wonder…did they miss out on what we had? There were some pretty hard lessons that came our way, but some pretty awesome character building that came with it. We can only hope. xo

Tammy - You said a mouthful, Joan. We DON’T know a person by their possessions or clothes. I remember going to an “estate sale” in Colorado Springs. Turns out the husband was dying of cancer and needed to liquidate everything quickly. He was remarkably at peace as he pointed to his prized Juke Box and antique pool table; “you see this? this is nothing. life is everything”. Stays with me still. It is no lie that you value something more if it was your earning that got it.

Ruth Curran - I am so guilty of making the path smoother for my son. Right or wrong it is done. You are right. I parented as a reaction to my early launching years… right or wrong!

Alyson Rennick Herzig - I blame the advent of HGTV – I love the first time home buyers that have to have stainless steel and granite. This has become the norm, and yes parents swooping in and giving their offspring brand new everything is an issue too.

Tammy - You are in good company, Ruth, I’m right there with you. I wanted so much to give my kidlet everything I never had (which was a lot). I accomplished it, I think, but wonder if I did her a favor there. A comment noted that giving makes it about us. I can’t help but somewhat agree, though I never gave that a thought as a motivator. As my friend said to me…what we did, we did out of love. Could there be a better reason?!

Tammy - I agree, Alyson, parental “swoopers” don’t always benefit their kids. We want our kids to know we are there for them if they fall. But falling is part of it, isn’t it? If the lesson is taken away, the fall was for nothing. Just jabbering out loud here. I remember my husband saying to me on the ride home from seeing our daughters apartment, “we never had anything that nice starting out”. He was right. We never had anyone help us with it either. Still, it was pretty wonderful seeing her all set up in her life. Just saying.

Cathy Sikorski - I am guilty as charged. I struggle with this often. Both my girls live in big cities and pay their own expenses, but they are still young and we have yet to take them off our cell phone family plan. Are we nice or are we denying them something important???? I still don’t know :(

Tammy - You are in good company, Cathy. We paid for our daughter’s gas card while she was in college. We were so afraid she would let the tank go to empty because she had no money. Gas, phone, utilities never really fell into the realm of “coddling” for me. I was more than okay to that for her. Go easy on yourself, helping your kid out with an essential is just being a good mom.

Cathy Chester - My parents made my path smoother for me and I do the same for my son. I have no regrets doing that. It’s what parents do. I was proud of my earliest accomplishments as I know my son is of his. BTW, I love that photo of you, Tammy!

Tam Warner Minton - Yes, yes, and yes. My children’s paths have been much smoother. And I often think, and believe, that they have suffered for it. This generation has no patience….they don’t understand the “working until you have it” mindset.

Donna Beckman Tagliaferri - You are so right!! We have been devastated by the recession so we haven’t been able to help our kids, but my friends buy houses, cars everything and I am jealous! Then I remember my parents gave me 20 dollars and called me twice while I was in college. Things are so different

Doreen McGettigan - I raised four kids as a single mom and did my best to teach them the value of education and hard work. I also worked hard to give them what I didn’t have and I loved every minute of it.
There isn’t anything wrong with helping our kids as long as they appreciate what you do for them.
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Carolann - I see your point totally. I raised two kids, one needed more help than the other and I gave it and give it openly to them. If we as parents can make their lives a little easier then why not? I love doing things for my kids and always will. Love that pic!
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Lois Alter Mark - I totally agree – and I blame our generation. We have coddled kids so much that we have not done them any service at all. We’ve enabled them and caused them to miss out on the joy and satisfaction of earning what they receive. And it’s backfired because now all of those are home on their parents’ dime.

Maureen Musgrave Armentrout - I come down on the side of having done them a disservice…and I am so guilty. Struggle builds character….not to mention a great appreciation for kraft Mac and cheese. That stuff cost 25 cents a box back in my youth and made two meals – Score!

Sue Cove - Flashbacks of cinder block shelves and bean bag chairs. We lived through it!
Your points about helping out our adult kids is right on.
My daughter, Alison will be married in August this year in Denver. She is thoughtful, independent and awesome. Still loves editing/designing at the Post….and she sprung from my loins! My boys are men and talk like grown ups…where does the time go? Ah….I love them to death and will always be just a call away for any of them. My love for them in to the moon and back 1000000 times 10 times and back again. Man,I always wanted to be a mom. How lucky I am.

Tammy - Hi Cathy, I’m with you there. I have no regrets in any help we gave our kidlet. A big discussion was had with friends about how some kids feel and behave entitled. Because their parents showed them that they were. Why should they work and save for that down payment when their parents would be happy to write a check. Something to think about there. I looked at that picture and thought to myself “what a cute girl”. Ironic. I never thought of myself as cute. Maybe youth truly is wasted on the young. Ya think?

Tammy - So many Millennials don’t, Tam. Not a good thing. For them or for us. I’ve heard them called the NOW generation. As in … “we want it now”. I’m thinking that because most of our parents didn’t have much in the way of money, we never expected much help from them. Knowing you have to lean 100% on yourself makes you reach as far in your abilities as you can. Knowing that your parents will buy you what you want…no need to reach. A mixed bag at best, don’t you think?

Tammy - Hi Donna, things WERE so different for our generation. In our daughters high school kids were driving BMW’s and Range Rovers. No lie. If their kid wanted it, they bought it for them. How do you learn to excel to the max if you’re never called on to do it? Something to think about.

Tammy - I agree with you, Doreen, there IS nothing wrong with helping our kids out. I don’t regret one sacrifice I made for our daughter (and there were plenty). But (isn’t there always a but?), buying things they want, not need, because they want them; things they cannot afford on their own, that might be a book of another cover. Don’t you think?

Tammy - Carolann, happy to know you were blessed with two children. I was blessed with one. Over indulgence was probably pre-ordained for me. I’m all about helping our kids out when they need it. But I have known many a parent who gave too much and for all the wrong reasons. In the end, their didn’t help their kids. They prevented them from learning what life is really about; standing on your own two feet.

Tammy - Lois, it’s backfired big time. And no one to blame but the parents themselves. So many have enabled their kids, almost made them dependent on them. I remember a dad said he did what he did for his daughter because he wanted to make sure she would answer the phone when he called her. Sad. The giving wasn’t about love, it was about control. And the child? Unable to fin for himself. Not a great plan.

Tammy - Maureen, YES, it did just cost 25 cents .. double SCORE!! We are all guilty at some point. And I think that is okay. To help and support your kids is a good thing. But to enable their desires for the finer things in life … well, I’m thinking they should earn that stuff themselves. Because you hit the nail on the head; struggle DOES build character…and value, and priorities, and respect and pride and confidence. Bam!

Tammy - Sweet Sue!! How nice to see you here! So happy to hear that Alison and the boys are thriving. Congrats on the upcoming wedding. Exciting! Sounds like all is pretty wonderful in your world. I couldn’t be happier for you! xo

Barbara Hammond - Married at 18 and 20 years old, and instant kid was a struggle, but the memories seem sweet. S&H green stamps, borrowed furniture, scrimping for a dinner out at Friendly’s once in a while. I wouldn’t change a thing. We made it clear to our kids we would help with college, but afterwards they were on their own. It took 3 tries for 1 to learn to fly but he’s all the better for it. I hope they do the same with their kids!

Tammy - Oh, Barbara, I remember those stamps. We bought a carpet sweeper and a TV tray with them. Awesome memories. I was an only child to a very young mom who didn’t have a clue. My dad left when I was very young. It was just the two us finding out way. It was tough, but it was wonderful too. The struggle of it define me in a positive way. Kudos to you and to the one who finally flew after three shots at trying. So happy to have you here. Thanks for that.

Cheryl Nicholl - i certainly wanted to give my children a better start but instead of giving ‘things’ I made sure I gave them a full heart, an open ear, and took care with my marriage to their father. Gifts come in all sorts of packages. Loved this Oh Wise Woman.
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Tammy - Love, love your response, Cheryl. You simply can’t do better than that! I remember an interview with Leo Buscaglia years ago in which he said the best thing we can do for our children is love and nurture the relationship we have with our spouse. Amen. I’ll take a full heart, open ear and mindful love over any material thing any damn day of the week. So happy to see you here, my friend.

Melanie Kissell - Baby Boomer parent of four here – guilty as charged! My youngest, especially, want for nothing. However, I’ll give them loads of credit for being the best bargain hunters this side of the moon! (At least they inherited something from their mom) ;-)

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