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When Good Friends Turn Out To Be Bad People. Get Ready, It’s About To Get Ugly.

I’ve had my belly full of unsolicited advice, ill spirited innuendo and “friendly” recommendations. I am not amused. I very recently had an in depth conversation with a newly made friend who wanted to level with me. Allow me to level it right back. Let’s do this. I am well aware that if I used […]

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Laura Lee Carter - AMEN! I just cut my sister free for EXACTLY those reasons!

Susan - I agree 100%. With a major birthday next week, I feel I have deserved to be the gal who now chooses where and with whom to spend my time. Age can bring
Powerful knowledge with experience behind those many every day decisions.
Peace reigns !!

T.O. Weller - Amen!!
I’ve been much less tolerant of such things in the last year or so, like menopause lifted the veil and I suddenly saw the light.

Rather than wasting my time with people that show no desire to support, accept, understand or protect my feelings (while feeling quite happy to get it from me), I simply walk away.

At first, I wondered if it was my problem. That maybe I’d become too intolerant. But, after a great deal of self-reflection, I’ve come to see that I was too tolerant before, and I’m finally acting from a place of self-worth and self-respect.

Again … Amen!!

Thank you Tammy.

Sherry Macdonald - You go Girl! I agree be yourself, love yourself. Sometimes we just have to let them go. I love you image! Thank you!

Carmen - Amen, Amen, Amen,

Who needs “so called good friends”!

I refer to these people as non-entities!

Barbara Hammond - I couldn’t agree more! I used to tolerate toxic people, but no more. It helps knowing and believing it is all THEIR problem, never yours. Good job calling them out!

Tammy - Susan, age DOES bring power. Or maybe we are just wising up and the power was there all along. Personally I am super aware that more than half my life has already been lived. So, I have no patience spending whatever time I have left with people who are downright mean. Hell no! You are so right….peace does reign! xo

Tammy - Thanks, Carmen! Non entities is a GREAT title for these horrible human beings. So happy you enjoyed the read!

Tana Bevan - Amen, Tammy. Amen.
For the record, the above applies to family members as well. Toxic is toxic. All organisms want to live and be as healthy as possible. Better to trim the toxicity than allow it to consume you. I’m all for clutter clearing the negative people out of your life, leaves room for those who love you … particularly those who do so unconditionally. *hugs*

Cheryl Nicholl - Yes you do —- AMEN. Now, what to do with a sister that’s the same toxin? Ya know what? Let ‘er go, that’s what. AMEN.

Joan Cooper - You said wiser things, but …comfort food …. yum yum !

I too am going through a most difficult time and have been doing comfort food. Glad to know I am not alone with this.

Joan Cooper

Tammy - This was a no brainer for me, Barbara. Call her out I did! Toxic is the BEST word (where were you when I was writing this piece). So glad you enjoyed the read and gladder still to have you here!

Tammy - Thanks, Lisa! No surprise to me that we are on the same page! Love knowing you are on the other side of my blog. Love it!

Tammy - No kidding, Sharon! Didn’t take long to figure that out. Can you imagine….someone saying all that to you to “help” you. Oh, hell no! Bye-Bye, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Tammy - Isn’t it funny, Laura Lee (not in a ha-ha way) that family thinks they are immune from kindness and manners? Yeah, no! Toxic is toxic. Period. So happy for you that you were able to cut the negative string!

Tammy - I’m thinking, T.O., that age factors in to our decision making process regarding “friends”. We know better, we have less time and we are less willing to suffer idiots and mean people! Coming from a place of self-worth and self-respect takes work…don’t we know it!! Thank you for being here. Really!

Tammy - Ugh, high school was the WORST, Michele! Some people never grow out of it, I guess. Too bad. It must be so awful to walk this earth thinking you know everything and wondering why no one likes you. You’re right …. no time for haters!! Appreciate the read and the comment!

Tammy - Hi Frankie, I’ve heard it said many times over “I’ve earned these gray hairs!”. Our instincts rarely fail us. But isn’t it funny how much louder they speak to us as we get older? Thrilled to have you here. Thanks for that!

Tammy - Hi Anne, thanks so much for the support! Love you for that…and so much more! So happy to know you are on the other side of my blog!

Tammy - Precisely, Melanie! There was time I would try to understand and tolerate comments like that. Not any more. Get a clue or hit the road. We are here on this earth to support one another the best we can, and offer the kindness of our heart. If you can’t do that, what is the point of anything?

Tammy - EEEEYIKES, Melanie, you have those friends too?! Not okay. I did show her the door. And I’m hoping you did too! We are FABULOUS just the way we are. And if we want to improve ourselves (and I do), we will then be even more fabulous! So wonderful having you in my camp. So wonderful!!!!

Tammy - Thanks, Sherry, for the support. You’re awesome! Letting go gets easier as you get older. Sometimes you just don’t have the time or the heart to wait to tolerate such negative people. I haven’t mentioned here before but the person who levied all this stuff on me is faaaar from perfect herself. I did not point out her many shortcomings. In the end, I was a better friend to her than she was to me. Thank you for being here…so appreciate your comment!

Tammy - I so agree with you, Tana. I find it ever so puzzling that family members often think they are immune to kindness or caring. Perhaps they think that because they are related that you have to accept and love them. No. No we don’t. You are SO right, toxic IS toxic. Cut it off and move on. Sad that it becomes necessary but we are not the instigators. There is pity little we can control in this life. Who we share it with is one of things that we can. Best we do!!!

Tammy - No, Dorren, they are NOT friends. You are not alone. Many of us tolerated this bull for years. We wanted to be nice about it. Nice has nothing to do with it. We get to choose who we share our life with. Something I learned after years of anguishing over it. Move on it right, girl! Thank you!

Tammy - I hear about toxic sisters more than anything else, Cheryl. I often wonder why. But you are right, of course. Let it go and move on. Living a life without negative toxic people makes for a much nicer canvas.

Tammy - Comfort foods are a blessing and a curse, Joan. It’s not the best way to deal with problems. I’m working on it. I’m hoping your difficult times get better….fast. Always great to hear from you!

Ande Lyons - AMEN Sister Goddess Friend Tammy!

When someone shows you who they really are… believe them… and run for the hills!

Bullying comes in many forms… as the daughter of a woman who thrived on diminishing and reducing someone all in the name of “I know best” and “you’re too sensitive” … I am well aware of friends who do not have your best interests at heart.

My favorite quote:

“If you don’t feel it, free from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” ~ Paul Davis

Thank you for always sharing the Ugly Truths … the deserve a voice, too.

With deep appreciation and love for YOU,


Kathleen O'Donnell - I guess that’s why the saying “with friends like that who needs enemies” exists! Dump ’em, I say. We are all already plagued with insecurities. Yes, I know I’ve gained 17 lbs in the past year. I’m not blind. My friends tell me I’m beautiful and perfect. Must be why they’re my friends! Loved this post.

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
Here’s your AMEN!
With friends like that you don’t need enemies.
Constructive criticism may be helpful, but who needs it swimming in malice? You know who you are and you don’t need people suggesting a wholesale rearrangement of body parts. Yes, we could all stand some improvement, but as Popeye says, “I yam what I yam.”

Tammy - I had never heard that quote before, Ande. I just love it. “Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated”. Brilliant! I look back on this new friendship and know that not one word out of her mouth was meant to help me. It was to make me aware that she was better in every way. Which, by the way, is far from the truth. It’s sad, really, that people feel the need to be that cruel and destructive. I’m sure she has said the same to many who may have actually believed her. What a shame. I will not partake in such blatant disrespect for my person. Not for one single minute. Having cyber friends like you, Ande, always cheer me on, up and forward. Thank you for that, my friend.

Tammy - Hi Kathleen, you are SO right. No enemies needed if she is my friend. Which she is not. Insecurities are part of the world … at least mine. I’m often told how confident I am. Perhaps so, but it’s confidence tempered with insecurity. I think I love your friends and congratulate you for choosing wisely. So very happy you liked the post and happier still to read your comment! Thanks for that.

Tammy - I love it, thank you, Mel! I do not believe that kindness and caring was the motive for those kinds of comments. You are correct, they were filled with malice. Who the hell needs that?! Life is tough enough. We should take care to eliminate those factors which make it harder still. What a pleasure you are. Truly. Thanks for popping by. Always enjoy our exchange.

Susan Smart - There is enough meanness in the world….we don’t need it
in our own lives. I am sorry that you were “attacked”…she must be a very unhappy person…you deserve so much more. I value and trust our friendship….love you x

Tammy - You said it, Susan, there is plenty of meanness and stupid stuff swirling around us as it is. This person was a friend of a friend who wanted to “reach out” and help me after only knowing me for a month. I accepted her because of our mutual friend but quickly discovered that she needed everyone around her to know that SHE was the best there is. Completely delusional and rather sad. I know you won’t be surprised to learn that all that I wrote I told her in person. It hurt my feelings for about one hot minute. Then it just pissed me off. And you know what happens when that happens. I deserve friends that are true blue and forever. Like you. Love you right back. And Cassie too! xo

Sue - Awesomely written… Talked to me for sure… Damn you are good…and I miss and love you. Thanks for sharing with us friend.

Eli@coachdaddy - The older we get, the less tolerant we seem to be about soul-sucking influences in our lives. Can you imagine if we learned the lessons earlier?

Tammy - Thanks, Sue. Great minds think alike. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Miss and love you too! xo

Tammy - I can only imagine, Eli. But I do LOVE your reference to the “soul-sucking influences”! Hahahahahahaa. You are so right on! Thanks for the read and the awesome comment!

Sandra Rea - I haven’t been here in a while, but I chose the right day. I just recently ended a very toxic friendship… if you could call it a friendship. I don’t think a “friend” should always have her hand out for me to fill it because she can’t pay her bills, she’s going to lose her office, she needs to pay “our” (I truly laugh at that one) programmer so she can get me what I supposedly paid her to do in the first place. I don’t think a friend should preach at me about HER beliefs and how anyone else’s are wrong. I don’t believe a friend should always expect me to pay for lunches. I don’t believe friends are supposed to lie and cause drama. But, hey, maybe that’s just me…

Tammy - Hi Sandra, so glad you decided to pop in when you did. NO! The person you described is definitely NOT a friend. I’m thinking you chose VERY wisely in cutting the strings that bound you this kind of “friendship”. HUGE kudos to you, Sandra! So happy to have you back!

Carol Cassara - I swear I commented on this before, but I’m here to tell you that you should never tolerate this kind of behavior. Good for you for ending things!

cheryl Shaw - AMEN!!!!!!!!!!Oh Thank you!!!!!!! I love you——and you are sooooooooo right!!I have been wrestling with an issue about my sister (twin) and you have helped me sooooooooooo much. Are you going to be in this area soon—-this blog makes me think of our
“special” friend linda who lives in this area although no one speaks to her anymore——–her loss.

Haralee - AMEN!!! I think this also applies to family members and in laws too!

Tammy - Hi Cheryl, SO HAPPY this spoke to you! And even happier to know you are still on the other side! Hope to visit Colorado sooner rather than later, but time will tell. You bet I won’t visit without stopping in to see my two besties at Bluffmont! Good luck with the sister thing. It absolutely includes family! They can often be the worst offenders. Shame on them but shame on us if we allow it. Talk soon! xo

Tammy - Thanks, Haralee, you are SO RIGHT! It absolutely applies to family members as well! Actually, they are often the worst offenders. Probably because they believe that there is nothing you can do about it since they are family. They would be wrong! Appreciate the read and the comment. Thanks for that!

Ines Roe - Absolutely – we don’t have time in life to deal with negativity. We need to focus on the positive influences in our life that empower us and support us. We need to decline the offer of negativity!!!

Lois Alter Mark - YES! I have removed all the negative, competitive, mean-spirited people from my life. They were never real friends if they could act that way. By the time we reach this age, we should know that!

Andi - AMEN! Times two! I am all about no-drama and will cut out anybody who doesn’t approach life with a glass half-full mentality – life is too short to be surrounded by negative people!

Ruth Curran - I want to live like this: “Friendship is about loving and supporting each other. It’s about protecting the other’s feelings, being there no matter what, crying with them and plotting vengeance when it’s called for. A good friend is tolerant, understanding, patient, uncritical and forever respectful.” Every. Single. Day. I love that you get it!

Elin Stebbins Waldal - my dad used to say, “With friends like that, who needs enemies!” When I would describe some version of friendship drama as a teen. If someone can’t love you as you are then it says a whole lot more about them than it does about you. Enjoy the liberation from what sounded like a destructive relationship.

Tammy - Thank you, Ruth. I love that I get it too! Don’t we wish that everyone did?! Thank you for the read and the awesome comment!

Tammy - Thanks, Elin, this “relationship” didn’t make it past the one month mark. I’ve gotten smarter as I’ve gotten older! I tolerated it that long because we were introduced by a mutual friend whom I love and adore. I had to advise her that as sorry as I was, I was unable to share her enthusiasm for her dear friend. She understood and just yesterday asked me how she can go about doing the same thing. Go figure! Happy to popped by. Loved hearing form you.

J.L. Cheatham II - awesome! We said!

Tammy - Thanks, J.L., happy to have you here!

Rebecca - This cheered me up a lot. Thanks for validating my feelings of frustration. I recently visited an old friend and was subjected to a barrage of unsolicited advice on a daily basis. Each morning we would have coffee and it would start.

“I think you should do this” “You should do that”

“Why did you go out with that guy. What did you ever see in him? I wondered why you even went out with him.”

Even worse, I had made the mistake of telling her I was unhappy in my career field. She decided she would fix my problem for me. But quite frankly, she doesn’t really have a career field. She reads a lot of magazines online, where she seems to get all her expertise.

Over a week or so, she told me how I should be a novelist, a professional chamber musician, a performance artist. All sorts of things you read in magazines. Now, I read novels and love chamber music. But I have been dealing with a chronic immune system illness and I am single. I need to pay rent and all my other bills. I need health insurance.

She told me where I should live – apparently I belong in an English village or in France like her.

Whenever I mentioned something I was presently involved in she let me know if I should continue to do it or not.

And of course, she told me what type of guy I need in my life.

This is now making me laugh, but I was really irked by it at the time. I was a guest in her home so I could not very well tell her to go stuff it.

Tammy - Rebecca, I’m a tad late in responding but no less interested in your comment. You are not alone, my friend. We all have people like this in our lives. Those who can’t…preach. I always assumed that ‘friends’ like these were just trying to be helpful. I no longer subscribe to that train of thought. They are butting in where they don’t belong, contributing biased and tainted opinions often based on their own failures and desires. Not okay. I no longer tolerate this kind of conversation in my life from anyone unless they have initials after their name. Friends support us, no matter what. Period. So very happy to make your acquaintance. Thanks for sharing.

rebecca - Tammy – Yes, I dropped her as a friend after that visit. I agree that friends should be supportive and be able to share in your joys and accomplishments, as you also do with their own. Some people do not face their own insecurities and so try to continually dump them on other people. Hopefully my ex friend will wake up to her own potential instead of being locked inside criticizing and managing other people! Best to you, and thanks for your reply!

Meltblogs - With age we realize the importance of real friends in life, it is very important to have someone in life who is full of positivity and does not judge others for their decisions.

kiwi aryan - great post and loved the website. thanks.

If You’re Over The Hill, Prepare To Get Thrown Under The Bus

The point is, age does not equal ignorance, incapability, or unwillingness. To think so, however, does equal inexperience, unawareness and stupidity.

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Sharon Greenthal - Preach it! You are so right!

Pam@over50feeling40 - Well said!

Tammy - Hi Betsy, so lovely to meet you here. I’m a big fan of your daughter’s work (and her in general!). I emailed the post to HR person directly. I don’t imagine I will be hearing from her but I’m hoping it might jar a change of heart and mind. Stranger things have happened. Thanks ever so for the read and the comment. Welcome!

Tammy - Thanks Sharon, I’m out there making friends (snicker) and telling it like it is. Happy to see you here, thanks for that.

Tammy - Thanks, Pam, I thought so too. Although I’m sure not everyone agrees. Truth is truth, let it shine! Appreciate the read and the comment!

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
A most spirited article against ageism, but there is a gulf between what is, and what should be. A young HR person would never be crass enough to say, “you’re too old,” in the same way he would never say, “you’re black,” I can’t hire you,” but the result, sadly will be the same: NO job. You are good to fight the good fight.
Personally, I feel drowned by the technological wave. It’s a miracle I can do email.

Carol Cassara - That’s just crazy talk, that’s what I say. Crazy talk. That HR person needs to be educated.

Tammy - No kidding, Carol. You got that right! We can only hope that progress includes those of us who know what it really means.

Tammy - AND you do blogs, Mel! You are not quite as tech challenged as you believe. But, it is easy to get drowned in it all. I fear you are correct, no matter what we put out there, the results will remain the same. That is …. until the HR people are our age. Interesting to see what happens then. Payback can be a bitch.

mickey - You KNOW I absolutely agree with every word- having been self-employed my entire life!
You rock my friend.

Joan Cooper - “There is no substitute for experience…” Be it the social media (I still do not have the courage to do that), iphones etc etc. I do have a desk top computer and run my world with that and a cell phone, and I run a number of other worlds as well and I will challenge anyone doing what I am doing.

Well, I know that is too long a sentence

Carry on, Tammy, your gift for words is awesome.

Joan Cooper

Tammy - Mickey, those of us who have been self employed have found different biases, no lie. Ageism has seldom been one of them, at least in my world. Doing what I do now, my age actually counts in my favor. Having been around the block qualifies me to show others how to do it. But those of us who are seeking full time employment in the corporate world and who happen to be 50+,its a whole other matter completely. It gladdens me to know that you are still on the other end of my blog. (smile) Love you, Mickey.

Tammy - There is NO substitute for experience, Joan, you are so right. I happen to know that you are well over 50 and you run a company and “so many other worlds”. Kudos! You are the proof of the pudding, my friend. Thanks so much for being here!

Tam Warner Minton - Yeah! So there! I know more about social media than my kids do!

Tammy - I have to laugh at that, Tam. I remember asking my kidlet for some social media advice a few years back. She was a bit less that patient as evidently I was asking the same question more than once. Now, I’d wager that I can draw rings around her social media skills. Not to take away from her intellect, but to add credence to the notion that us old dogs do indeed learn a lot of new tricks…and have fun doing it!

Ruth Curran - This part of the choir is singing Amen and Hallelujah. Right now
I am in an environment on a volunteer project where the average age of the volunteers is 55 and we are valued. How do we transfer that thinking to the corporate world? Another beautifully articulated piece Tammy.

Tammy - Thanks for sharing that, Ruth. I didn’t even tap in to the contributions made by our generation. They are immense and so necessary to our world. Your questions is a good one. Corporate America does not seem to be waking up to the tremendous talent out there because it is labeled with a date of birth beyond their grasp. On behalf of us all, thank your for your volunteer hours, and your kind heart. And…thank you for being here!

Carmen - Great, great blog!

I would like to ask the 32 year old H.R. Specialist….who paid or assisted with her college costs.

It just may have been that 50 plus year old grandparent!

Readers: Please try the following on our young people (who are so proficient with today’s tools). If your bill is for example $40.52…try giving them $41.02…they stare at the money and have no idea what to do. My two-cents worth.

Keep up the great posts!

Tammy - Haaaaa! Good one, Carmen, and probably true. I actually had that kind of encounter with a cashier over a week ago. She was so upset with me and thrown for a loop. Didn’t have a clue. I would have felt sorry for her but her ignorance was jarring and pathetic. It made me worry for the future. Not the first time that’s happened. Probably not the last. God help us all! Happy to know you are still out there. Thanks for that! xo

kristen houghton - Many thanks,Tammy!

Rebecca Olkowski - I actually amaze myself at how techie I am. Blogs, social media, etc. I often show people half my age how it all works. I don’t know how I managed to figure it all out because I never demonstrated that ability when I was in school. (graduated 71) I’ve worked in the entertainment industry for the last 35 years as an actor. If you’re over 25 in the biz you’re considered ancient unless you’re lucky to be Meryl Streep.

Tammy - Thanks, Maureen. So appreciate hearing it. Lovely to see you at my recent presentation on blogging. Hope you got some good take away! Thanks for stopping by!

Tammy - My pleasure, Kristen! I’m ever so pleased to have you here!

Tammy - It’s amazing what we pick up and learn, isn’t it Rebecca? I also graduated in 71. The entertainment biz is a rough go once you start to age. Who is lucky enough to be Meryl Streep?! I’m betting there are days she wonders that herself. I’m so happy you enjoyed the read and happier still you stopped by to share with me. Thanks for that.

Carpool Goddess - Agism stinks! Though I was excited to hear that my mom’s friend who is in her late 60’s was recently hired to speak at a real estate convention to teach the young whippersnappers how it’s done. We need more of that.

Carolann - I have seen so many times exactly what you are talking about. A relative of mine is going through this exact situation. I could not have said it better myself! You nailed it! What an inspiring article. I know just who to pass this gem along to. I hope it helps her in her time of frustration. Great post! Loved it!

Doreen McGettigan - I really hate that mindset too. We are the fastest growing demographic.
I teach several workshops on social media and the face on some young people that walk into the class is priceless. I am quite proud to stun them with my knowledge and I take great pleasure in them telling me that in my class they learned more in 3 hours than they ever did about social media and marketing.

Tammy - YES, we DO need more of THAT, Goddess Linda! I’m excited for your friend too. Speaking is an awesome occupation, and one that my age (61) has benefited me in achieving. I show the young whippersnappers how to do it all the time and it thrills me to no end. Thanks for stopping by and sharing! Awesome!

Tammy - I do so love when my posts are shared. Thanks for that, Carolann. I hope it gives her the punch she needs to get through. She is not alone. So very many of my friends and some family are going through this dilemma. It’s so wrong. I’m hoping to change a mind or two. We have to start somewhere. So happy to have you here!

Tammy - Hi Doreen, don’t ya just love being underestimated?! I do. It happens all the time. Keep up the good work. You are the face of success to many. So glad you enjoyed the read. I certainly enjoyed your comment!

Estelle - Our country is way behind other countries in respect for age and the wisdom of the older generation.

Tammy - You are so right, Estelle. And what a shame that is!

Barbara Hammond - You nailed it! I had owned several business by the time I was 50 and embraced technology from the first time I touched the little MAC. Unless you’ve grown older in a cave you have to keep up with tech or you will definitely be left behind. I have friends who dabble with FB, and that’s fine if that’s all they want to do. I’m weak with twitter, but always learning. Fortunately I have my own business, so no little pip squeak can give me bullshit about heading straight for 65 and not knowing what I’m doing.
Great post!

Tammy - Thanks, Barbara. Love that you use the word “pipsqueak”! I do too … all the time. One of the major advantages of being self employed is that you get to determine what your boundaries are. A huge plus in my book! Our generation has so much gathered Intel that is being completely discarded by corporate America. What a waste! So glad for the read and happy you enjoyed it!

Is It Just Me, Or Does Valentine’s Day Suck?

Women love it, men dread it and singles hate it. Welcome to Valentine’s Day. When I was newly married (eons ago), one of my first Valentine’s Day gifts was a Hoover vacuum. Clearly he had missed the meaning of the occasion. Sadly this was not the worst gift I’ve ever received on the day of […]

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T.O. Weller - Tammy, thank you so much for the encore — I would hate to think that I’d missed it!

I’m not sure if I’ve simply grown cynical or whether I just see it for what it really is: a day manufactured to make us consume (i.e. spend after the Christmas bills have come in).

My favorite VDs (LOVE that!) involved no money. A walk in the snow, a quiet dinner together at home … but then, these are things that can happen any day and they’d be just as lovely.

My brand new husband feels strongly that a card should be a part of the day, so I’ll shop for one this afternoon to make him happy.

My grown son has been in a tizzy trying to figure out what he will do for his current girlfriend. He goes all out (do these things skip a generation?).

After I find the card, I think I’ll head over the pet store. 🙂

Carol Cassara - The Hallmark holidays can be problematic…who knew that it was the biggest break up day?

mel glenn - I don’t know the roots of VD day, but I wonder if it is a conspiracy dreamed up in the corporate headquarters of Hallmark in Kansas City. I hate to be a curmudgeon here, but it is completely a manufactured holiday. Would that every day be a Valentine’s day and love and care is expressed all the days of the year. But maybe men need reminding how lucky they are if they have someone who puts up with them.
But your encore column is valuable and makes a good point about actual expectations.

Kathleen O'Donnell - The fact that a dead, fictional woman gets more VD cards that living women explains another VD fact. The suicide rate is second only to New Years Eve. There you have it.

Tammy - Hi T.O., I don’t think you’ve grown cynical, I think you’ve wised up…like most of us. When you are young (like your son) you want very much to jump in and get it right. Years teach us that Hallmark is usually the only one that gets it right and we are just pawns in the love scheme. I appreciate any reason to share love and gratitude. I don’t buy into the hype, but I do buy into the sharing of my love and adoration for the man I’m lucky enough to be with. But then again, I do that every day. Happy VD, my friend. Enjoy that walk in the snow.

Tammy - Hi Carol, holidays in general can be problematic at my house. Stress always seems to accompany the expectation. VD day is an easy one for me to skip. I know, right?? What kind of schmuck breaks up with you on VD day? Geesh! Happy to hear from you! Thanks for popping in.

Tammy - Mel, I will be a curmudgeon with you. And, yes, it is a Hallmark holiday. But, the girl in me welcomes any opportunity to receive lovely flowers and a caring card from the one she loves. Truth is, it is a common occurrence in our house. You have no idea how grateful I am for that. Happy you enjoyed the encore. It’s one of two posts that I get repeated requests for. Happy day of love to you and your beautiful wife.

Tammy - And yet another reason to dislike VD day, Kathleen. Thanks for sharing, but man, that was damn depressing to read. It really should be called It Sucks To Be Singled Out Single Day. That way all of the singles would receive lovely gifts from the rest of the world. Don’t think Hallmark will buy into it.

Cathy Chester - Except for grade school VD has never meant a whole lot, partly because it’s my bday six days prior and partly because, well, I guess that’s it. I love romance and all, but my husband and I just spend quality time together. Welcome to the Hallmark holiday.

Joan Cooper - Too too funny !!! How do you do your research ? Fabulous info.

Well, I am not romantic, so I just send one Valentine out of respect for someone who is more romantic than me. Honest – I look for something I think he would like or laugh at and that is it. That is all.

Am I missing something ?


Ruth Curran - The biggest break up day of the year…. I am not surprised. Rose growers, chocolate makers, and Hallmark win this one don’t they?

Tammy - A Hallmark holiday indeed, Cathy! Grade school on VD day was stressful for me. It was before the teachers made the rule that if you are going to distribute valentines, make sure everyone gets one or no one gets one. It was a popularity contest and I don’t recall ever being part of the “in” crowd. It’s hard when you’re a kid and you walk away with a couple of valentines and much of the class gets tons. I look back now and am happy there is an all or nothing rule for those kids who don’t quite fit in.

Tammy - And that’s all it should be, Joan. All the hype is just smoke and mirrors. You are missing nothing, you are right on target! Happy VD my friend!

Tammy - Yup, Ruth, if only to be a florist or a chocolate maker! Otherwise, you can have it!

Greg - I love this article! Thanks Tammy! Here’s my version, in The Good Men Project:


Christina Embry - This year instead of going out for an overpriced dinner in a crowded restaurant, we are cooking dinner together and enjoying a peaceful house without kids! Along with some candlelight and a movie….oh and romance too!

Tammy - Hi Greg, so glad you enjoyed the read! I enjoyed yours as well and happy to leave a comment. Glad we found each other….like minds, and all.

Tammy - Perfect plan, Christina. I’m right there with you! Happy VD to you!

Carol Cassara - I agree in so many ways! Which is why today I am redefining Valentine’s Day over here:

Mary - Valentine’s Day is my favorite day! Not because I was always in a relationship or for the presents, it’s my day to show all those who I love how much they mean to me. I did not know it was the most popular break up day!

Greg - Yes, Tammy 🙂 I’m glad we found each other as well. You ROCK!
Happy Valentines Day!

Cathy Sikorski - Ah, yes….Valentines Day! More screw ups than any other day, for sure. But I do so adore chocolate, and buy it on sale the day after……as no one has ever given me chocolate for VD,

Tammy - Haaa! YES, it IS the day of most screw-ups! Too funny. I buy Red Hots this time of year. Hard to find them otherwise. Happy VD Cathy!

Tammy - Loved your post, Carol and shared it! Redefining VD in the most wonderful way!

Tammy - And, Mary, evidently VD has the second highest suicide rate holiday out of the year…first being New Years eve. Good grief! Kind of takes the pink and red sparkle out of things. It is a pretty holiday, and I enjoy seeing hearts and flowers everywhere. I’m thinking the world be a brighter place if we left them up all year round.

Tammy - Thank you, my friend. The feeling is mutual, Greg!

Doreen McGettigan - My first husband bought me a blender for our first Valentine’s together. I threw it out the window and threw him out the door not long after.
My current forever husband is pretty romantic and creative with gifts all year so we don’t make that big a deal for Valentine’s.

Tammy - Thanks, Doreen, for todays laugh! Man Follow Blender sounds like a good title for a blog! Thrilled for you that you found your happiness!

Carolann - I had to laugh while I was reading this because every time I saw VD I kept on thinking of well…you know what lol. Secondly, I have to say, I taught my hubby well. Every year he lets me choose my own gift and yes I love it that. I get exactly what I want! Maybe it’s not the most romantic thing ever, but at least I know I’m ending up with something I want and/or need. Great post. I really enjoyed it!

Tammy - Just viewed your response, Carolann, you cracked me up…thanks for that! I LOVE your technique. It’s a win-win proposition. And why not?! I do believe your idea could catch on bit time! Hope it was grand.

Those Were The Days, My Friend ….

Remember when you were younger (much younger) and you thought your life was crap? Fast forward 40 years or so and look back. Turns out it was pretty damn awesome and you don’t remember being miserable about all the things you didn’t have. I recently posted a TBT (Throw Back Thursday) picture on my Facebook […]

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T.O. Weller - Tammy, I love the glasses! I believe I had the same pair.

How right you are! My new husband and I found one another when his daughters and my son were 19 and up. For many couples our age (these days), that might have meant learning how to live with them as much as with each other. Yikes!!

Thankfully, aside from small stays to help them get over bumps in the road, they are truly ‘grown and flown’ … and they’re proud of it. We are the only couple in our social group whose kids are out; our friends look on in amazement and we bite our tongue. They may complain, but they haven’t taught their children to fly.

It’s as the saying goes, “Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; teach him how to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.”

mel glenn - Even though we tend to romanticize the past, I do believe that today’s kids suffer “entitlementitis”. We did have to work for the things we got. Your column brought back memories of my first apartment,and our struggles made us stronger.
I do believe economics have changed and it is harder for kids today to make it on their own. Did we have SO much student debt?
Nicely done!

Karen D. Austin - Great photo and helpful stats. I volunteer with people in their 80s and 90s, so I try to embrace the joys of my current life stage. And I’m hoping my kids can launch before I get too old to support them in one way or another. I’ll be 57 when my baby graduates from high school — and who knows how old I’ll be when my two kids finish college?

Carol Cassara - It’s funny, I never thought my life was crap…for some reason I just went where the wind blew me and it only got better. I try to impart that to younger people I know who do think they have tough times.

mariilyn tichauer - Thanks Tanny for reminding us what we didn’t get. We tried really hard not to endulge our children, but also enjoyed treating them. Thank goodness they are all financially independent….Whew!!!!!

Tammy - Hi T.O., my grandpa would use the “fish” phrase all the time. Brilliant then and now. It seems we lived in a culture where it never occurred to us to NOT start at the bottom. Our kids culture doesn’t even want to entertain the thought. Because most don’t have to. While it is an easier road to hoe, I can’t help but feel something is lost to them. So happy to see your here!

Tammy - Hi Mel, boy, you got that right when you spoke about the student debt! I believe that parents should pay for their kids education (if they at all can). It’s the other stuff. The good stuff. The cars, houses, furniture, lifestyle. That was something we had to start from scratch to get to. Something we hard to work hard for. Not so much the Millennials of today. I still wonder … is that a good thing?

Joan Cooper - Ahhhh the ‘old days’. I would like to share something with you that just happened to me in the now. It may not impress you but it did impress me as a discerning, observant, kind, thoughtful comment from someone you would never expect to speak to you except to ask for a ‘hand out’.

I finished gassing my car (I forgot the word ‘clutch’, Tammy), and was by the driver side door. A street person – you know by the cardboard sign being carried – walked past me on the way to the office. I barely glanced up, but he said “…you dropped something…” I looked at him and he added…”you dropped a smile…”.

Thats’ like the ‘old days’. You don’t know a person by their clothes or possessions.


Tammy - I hear you, Karen. I would tease my daughter all the time that I can’t wait for her to support me in the lifestyle to which I had become accustomed. Thank goodness, she is doing wonderfully on her own in a job she loves that earns her good income. Thank God for small favors! We hope our kids launch and thrive. Fingers crossed!

Tammy - I’m with you, Carol. I always remember being happy and content. I look back and see I had nothing. NOTHING. It’s all about perception. I always perceived that if I wanted something, I’d have to work for it. The tough times never seemed tough back then. Maybe happiness really is in the pursuit. Who knew?!

Tammy - Hi sweet Marilyn, so fun to see you here! Having had an only child, I can’t escape the reality that we most likely over-indulged her as she grew up. No guilt here. I think it’s what comes from have an “only”. Having your kids be financially independent is beyond heaven for us, as parents. But I still wonder…did they miss out on what we had? There were some pretty hard lessons that came our way, but some pretty awesome character building that came with it. We can only hope. xo

Tammy - You said a mouthful, Joan. We DON’T know a person by their possessions or clothes. I remember going to an “estate sale” in Colorado Springs. Turns out the husband was dying of cancer and needed to liquidate everything quickly. He was remarkably at peace as he pointed to his prized Juke Box and antique pool table; “you see this? this is nothing. life is everything”. Stays with me still. It is no lie that you value something more if it was your earning that got it.

Tammy - You are in good company, Ruth, I’m right there with you. I wanted so much to give my kidlet everything I never had (which was a lot). I accomplished it, I think, but wonder if I did her a favor there. A comment noted that giving makes it about us. I can’t help but somewhat agree, though I never gave that a thought as a motivator. As my friend said to me…what we did, we did out of love. Could there be a better reason?!

Tammy - I agree, Alyson, parental “swoopers” don’t always benefit their kids. We want our kids to know we are there for them if they fall. But falling is part of it, isn’t it? If the lesson is taken away, the fall was for nothing. Just jabbering out loud here. I remember my husband saying to me on the ride home from seeing our daughters apartment, “we never had anything that nice starting out”. He was right. We never had anyone help us with it either. Still, it was pretty wonderful seeing her all set up in her life. Just saying.

Cathy Sikorski - I am guilty as charged. I struggle with this often. Both my girls live in big cities and pay their own expenses, but they are still young and we have yet to take them off our cell phone family plan. Are we nice or are we denying them something important???? I still don’t know 🙁

Tammy - You are in good company, Cathy. We paid for our daughter’s gas card while she was in college. We were so afraid she would let the tank go to empty because she had no money. Gas, phone, utilities never really fell into the realm of “coddling” for me. I was more than okay to that for her. Go easy on yourself, helping your kid out with an essential is just being a good mom.

Doreen McGettigan - I raised four kids as a single mom and did my best to teach them the value of education and hard work. I also worked hard to give them what I didn’t have and I loved every minute of it.
There isn’t anything wrong with helping our kids as long as they appreciate what you do for them.

Carolann - I see your point totally. I raised two kids, one needed more help than the other and I gave it and give it openly to them. If we as parents can make their lives a little easier then why not? I love doing things for my kids and always will. Love that pic!

Sue Cove - Flashbacks of cinder block shelves and bean bag chairs. We lived through it!
Your points about helping out our adult kids is right on.
My daughter, Alison will be married in August this year in Denver. She is thoughtful, independent and awesome. Still loves editing/designing at the Post….and she sprung from my loins! My boys are men and talk like grown ups…where does the time go? Ah….I love them to death and will always be just a call away for any of them. My love for them in to the moon and back 1000000 times 10 times and back again. Man,I always wanted to be a mom. How lucky I am.

Tammy - Hi Cathy, I’m with you there. I have no regrets in any help we gave our kidlet. A big discussion was had with friends about how some kids feel and behave entitled. Because their parents showed them that they were. Why should they work and save for that down payment when their parents would be happy to write a check. Something to think about there. I looked at that picture and thought to myself “what a cute girl”. Ironic. I never thought of myself as cute. Maybe youth truly is wasted on the young. Ya think?

Tammy - So many Millennials don’t, Tam. Not a good thing. For them or for us. I’ve heard them called the NOW generation. As in … “we want it now”. I’m thinking that because most of our parents didn’t have much in the way of money, we never expected much help from them. Knowing you have to lean 100% on yourself makes you reach as far in your abilities as you can. Knowing that your parents will buy you what you want…no need to reach. A mixed bag at best, don’t you think?

Tammy - Hi Donna, things WERE so different for our generation. In our daughters high school kids were driving BMW’s and Range Rovers. No lie. If their kid wanted it, they bought it for them. How do you learn to excel to the max if you’re never called on to do it? Something to think about.

Tammy - I agree with you, Doreen, there IS nothing wrong with helping our kids out. I don’t regret one sacrifice I made for our daughter (and there were plenty). But (isn’t there always a but?), buying things they want, not need, because they want them; things they cannot afford on their own, that might be a book of another cover. Don’t you think?

Tammy - Carolann, happy to know you were blessed with two children. I was blessed with one. Over indulgence was probably pre-ordained for me. I’m all about helping our kids out when they need it. But I have known many a parent who gave too much and for all the wrong reasons. In the end, their didn’t help their kids. They prevented them from learning what life is really about; standing on your own two feet.

Tammy - Lois, it’s backfired big time. And no one to blame but the parents themselves. So many have enabled their kids, almost made them dependent on them. I remember a dad said he did what he did for his daughter because he wanted to make sure she would answer the phone when he called her. Sad. The giving wasn’t about love, it was about control. And the child? Unable to fin for himself. Not a great plan.

Tammy - Maureen, YES, it did just cost 25 cents .. double SCORE!! We are all guilty at some point. And I think that is okay. To help and support your kids is a good thing. But to enable their desires for the finer things in life … well, I’m thinking they should earn that stuff themselves. Because you hit the nail on the head; struggle DOES build character…and value, and priorities, and respect and pride and confidence. Bam!

Tammy - Sweet Sue!! How nice to see you here! So happy to hear that Alison and the boys are thriving. Congrats on the upcoming wedding. Exciting! Sounds like all is pretty wonderful in your world. I couldn’t be happier for you! xo

Tammy - Oh, Barbara, I remember those stamps. We bought a carpet sweeper and a TV tray with them. Awesome memories. I was an only child to a very young mom who didn’t have a clue. My dad left when I was very young. It was just the two us finding out way. It was tough, but it was wonderful too. The struggle of it define me in a positive way. Kudos to you and to the one who finally flew after three shots at trying. So happy to have you here. Thanks for that.

Cheryl Nicholl - i certainly wanted to give my children a better start but instead of giving ‘things’ I made sure I gave them a full heart, an open ear, and took care with my marriage to their father. Gifts come in all sorts of packages. Loved this Oh Wise Woman.

Tammy - Love, love your response, Cheryl. You simply can’t do better than that! I remember an interview with Leo Buscaglia years ago in which he said the best thing we can do for our children is love and nurture the relationship we have with our spouse. Amen. I’ll take a full heart, open ear and mindful love over any material thing any damn day of the week. So happy to see you here, my friend.

Why You Should Never Watch The News Again!

Aside from the fact that the nightly news is freakishly depressing and leaves you feeling like a hopeless deer in the headlights, it could be killing your ability to cope. With everything. I love Brian Williams, he is adorable, well dressed and well mannered. But he is no longer welcome in my home. Neither are […]

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Laura Lee Carter - Me too Tammy!Remember that old song “Make the World Go Away!” That’s my new motto!
See why we moved away from all cities??? Silence IS GOLDEN!

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
Love you, but this time I totally disagree. Given the terrors in the world today, we are in no position to ignore the news, or have it served in a pleasing manner. We are duty bound to watch all of it, all of France, all of ISIS, all of the horrors. We cannot bury our heads in the sand. Historically, we did not listen about the Holocaust, or the rise of radical Islam today. Avoiding the news is a luxury we can no longer afford. Your reaction?

Joan Cooper - If they wyld leave the horrors alone and not report, I think the monstrous creatures might give up – they do love publicity.

My doctor tells me he never watches the News.

AND where are the banks ? The montsters have to use banks. Why doesn’t the world community make laws that hold them from using the financial system. That would stop them!
And probably all wars.

Joan Cooper

Tammy - I do understand the move away from city life. I did it once, for 13 years. It was wonderful and I left it kicking and screaming. If only we could make it all go away, Laura Lee. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?!

Tammy - Mel, I LOVE you too! People who love have been known to disagree. We are not so far apart you and I. I agree with much of what you said. We MUST be informed, vigilant, pro-active, and perpetually aware. These days, what happens a continent away is what is happening in our own neighborhood. There is no head being buried in the sand at my house. But, (there is always a but) I have signed off on the medias need to gluttonized their viewership with repeated sound bites, videos, and snap shots of horror. I don’t need to engage in the gruesomeness of it on a moment by moment basis. Overload of hate is not good for me. I lean heavily on BBC and i24 News. Their coverage is far more diverse, detailed, respectful and informative than CNN. You are right, of course, avoiding the truth is not a luxury we can afford. But bathing in it nightly is another thing entirely. Thank you, Mel, for your honest and sensitive comment.

Tammy - Joan, a very good point you have there: terrorists do love their publicity! I’m not sure the evil would stop if no one reported it, but it might take a different direction away from the dramatic videos etc. It’s all so horrible. Banks never gave a rats ass about people. Look at all the banks (Switzerland) that housed Nazi money for years. A disgusting set of circumstances. Thanks you, Joan. Always wonderful to hear from you!

Jenn - Absolutely agree 100%. I remember in high school being subjected to the war at hand (Saudi) and feeling so afraid I completely stopped watching the news. Every now and then I forget and get pulled into the horrors. The last was Sandy Hook and it shattered me into a million pieces. Figgy had the right idea….if I have to be ignorant (ignorance is bliss) and hide my head even though the rest of me is clearly visible then that is what I shall do. I’m so glad I’m not alone.

Tammy - You are NOT alone, Jenn, but we may be the minority. Maybe others handle the constant barrage of atrocities better than we do. Hard to know. But the aching feeling of helplessness and sorrow is just too much for me. And the visuals that come with are things I don’t need to see more than once…if at all. Like you, it stuns me for a good while, not in a good way. I won’t ever be ignorant of what is happening in the world. We can’t afford to. But I refuse to submerge myself in it daily. SO HAPPY to see you here, Jenn. xo

Doreen McGettigan - I so agree with you and I spent half of my life in the news business. It is getting scarier and scarier and honestly I don’t believe ANYONE that delivers the news, these days.
I get most of my news these days from apps too.

Tammy - Doreen, I’ve recently figured out that scare tactics are used by all news networks to get us to tune in. I was a huge fan of CNN many years back. But for the longest time, they are the most inferior of all, concentrating on one story for days as the world around us crumbles. The apps give it to me straight, and I so much prefer it!

J - I believe many years ago the Jews believed this in Germany. It didn’t work very well for them. Never is a very strong word! I’d also suggest getting your news three months ahead of time at FOXNews. (I also listen to stations I disagree with but want to be informed of other views)

Information is pure power if it is used properly! One of those ways is to help other people. It is important for me to pay attention to what’s around me. As I was taught, “Were ever you are, be there now!”

Tammy - Thanks, J, for your comment. I totally understand where you are coming from and agree with much of what you shared. But in this day and age, I am able to stay abreast of what is going on via news apps like 124, BBC and CNN. Information IS power. Remaining vigilant, aware, pro-active and informed is key to all our lives these days. The world seems to have become smaller. What happens in Paris can and will most likely happen in many other parts of the world. But I have chosen to stop the nightly visual barrage and regurgitation of the talking heads as they simulate the atrocities and horrors being carried out. Its simply too much for my head and my heart. It has robbed me of the natural contentment that life brings every day. I do LOVE your expression “where ever you are, be there now”. Brilliant. So very happy to have you on the other side of my blog. So very happy!

Carole Schultz - I’m with you, Tammy, I’ve been an ostrich for a while now. I just can’t watch the news anymore so, like you, keep up to date with world news via reputable sources. x

Tammy - Hi Carole, I guess its a sign of the times. I know people who devour news hours a day. Hours! Can you imagine. It damages my spirit to be subjected to so much, so often. Not for me. Happy to know I’m not alone! And…happy to see you here. THANKS for that!

Helene Cohen Bludman - TV news has always been about sensationalism and it’s only gotten worse. On the opposite extreme, the morning news shows are so vapid and full of nonstop laughter that it makes my head spin.

Christina Embry - Tammy, You hit the nail on the head when you said that the daily barrage of news robs you of the natural daily contentment that life brings…. Just going about your business thinking about issues closer to home. I miss those days!!! After all , aren’t our own lives filled with enough problems (and joys) to be dealt with? Our little worlds seem to have gotten global and it’s hard to escape it.

Tammy - You are SO right, Helen, the morning show are ridiculously petty. From one extreme to the other. Where is Walter Cronkite when you need him?

Tammy - Hi Christina, I DO miss the days when our biggest worries revolved around what we were going to have for dinner. Now we are aware that going to work, sitting outside at a local eatery or traveling to destination for holiday could cost us our life….for no apparent reason. Perhaps it’s time to get a home in the mountains! Thank you for being here!

Karen D. Austin - I am a speed reader (1,000 words a minute), and I like to have control over what news stories I digest. So watching the news drives me batty. It’s super inefficient. Instead, I compiled a Twitter list of 60 plus news sources. I can skim headlines quite quickly and click through to read what interests me. I do this about three times a day. I am very happy with this means of digesting news.

Tammy - I’ve never know a speed reader before, Karen. It’s a bit awesome. I think I could have taken lessons from you as I withdrew from the nightly bombardment of the talking heads. Thanks for the read and the comment!

Angela Weight - I completely agree. The other night, while watching all the stuff about terrorism coming closer and closer to home, I caught myself reciting the serenity prayer under my breath. Soon afterward I clicked off the TV, because there’s nothing I can do to change the world right now, but I can change my thoughts and hopefully have a good day while the outside world is falling apart. I’ll join you with my head in the sand.

Mary Buchan - The news can be a real downer at times. In 2015 I am working on simplifying my life and creating more peace in my home.Turning off the evening news will help me with this goal. Thank you for sharing!

cheryl Shaw - Hi Miss Tammy——hope all is well with you. I loved the quote, “wherever you are be there now”, and I agree with your sentiment about the sensationalizing of the news on the networks. It does however scare me when I read that many have stopped paying attention to world happenings. I do hope those individuals are aware when and if the time comes to take a stand and act.
I believe that the “good old days” were for us a result of the many demands we had in our lives when we were in our 30’s and 40’s. We just didn’t have time to pay much attention to what was going on outside our daily lives. We now have time. AND the world has certainly changed. 1984 has arrived.
I am not happy about the increased government intrusion in my life and feel the “pc” attitude is a huge contributor to the problem. When will we learn a life with purpose, with all its ups and downs is better than depending on others, and there will always be idiots and psychos. I am currently reading Things That Matter by Charles Krauthammer. WOW.

Tammy - Happy to have company under the sand, Angela. Thanks so much for the read and the comment. Happy to have you here!

Tammy - Hi Mary, I so agree with your 2015 intent. It’s hard to do. We walk a fine line staying informed and sane. Good luck to us!

Tammy - Hi Cheryl, a very happy new year to you, friend. You are right, staying informed, savvy to the world dilemmas and those that are more local to us takes vigilance. But I’m not at all convinced that we have to bath in the blood delivered each night with such gusto by our nightly news talking heads. It’s over the top. I have been finding harder and harder to stay positive with so much negativity being slung at me. My mobile news apps have helped me hugely. I’m on top of everything, but not in a sensational way. It’s still not good….but it won’t be until the news is good. Not holding my breath. Will look that book up! So happy to know that you are on the other side! So happy!

Tammy - No kidding, Melanie! I remember after 9/11 I was glued to the TV for a week. Cried all the time. Couldn’t get a grip on things. I turned the coverage off during the day. Bam! Instantly felt better. It’s difficult to function when seeped in depressing news, bloodbaths, beheadings, etc. Life is for living it. Better to get on with it.

Joel Itwaru - I don’t watch the news. What we pay attention too we attract more of it.if we pay attention to bad news we will attract more bad news. That’s why there are so much bad news in the world because the news media is only looking for that. Its the law of attraction at work

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