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Dear God …

I learned a while ago that you have a rocking sense of humor. Something I’m kind of excited to talk with you about when the time comes. You are so big on the accountability thing that I know you will appreciate where I’m coming from. We need to talk.

I’ve been meaning to ask you about this aging business; pretty funny stuff. I know there is humor in cellulite; I just haven’t found it yet. It accumulates on my thighs in preparation for the day that I may be starving and need that extra fat for survival. Thanks for nothing. Speaking of accountability; I’m thinking you owe me a pretty penny to compensate me for the creams, gels and treatments to get rid of it. I kept the receipts … and the cellulite.

Now, let’s talk freckles. Well, they were freckles, now they are large brown spots suspiciously resembling liver spots. And, God, you spread them all across my nose and cheeks. Hilarious! Of course, they match the ones on my arms, legs and hands. Just so you know ahead of time, I had multiple laser treatments to keep these cute little ‘freckles’ at bay. Yup, you guessed it; I’ve kept all the invoices.

I really don’t mean to complain, but what’s with the thinning hair thing? I mean, seriously?! It’s not enough that my skin lacks its original glow, my jowls are a bit saggy and my neck has crinkled like a potato chip, but my hair?! I spend about 70 bucks a month on special fiber building, body enhancing, moisture inducing shampoos and conditioners just to keep what I have left. My pony-tail was thick and bouncy. Now it’s the size of a pencil eraser and blows in the wind like cotton. Pretty funny. Um, I lost a few of the receipts on some of these purchases but I’m hoping you will be okay with the honor system.

And thank you God, for helping stabilize my body so that I don’t blow over in the wind. Very strategic planning to make us bottom heavy and giving us that extra flesh that hangs and waves from our upper arms, enabling us to take flight should we need to. What’s not sexy about that? By the way, I’ve also kept the gym membership receipts and hope I at least get points for trying.

So, I’m thinking that you owe me roughly $41,926.14. Since heaven probably doesn’t have paper money, can I have the payout in travel points, or perhaps a year in Tahiti with a guy named Pablo? I’m willing to call it even if I can just have my old body back.

We’ll talk more when we meet face to face. We’ve really got to work on this world peace thing. I hope you recognize me. I’ll be the freckled, scraggly haired, delightfully chubby, crinkled brunette with attitude. I am your biggest fan.

Love,

Tammy

 

 

 

 

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Joan Cooper - You cheerup my email list so much!

There is no “God”. There is a bunch of them. Life is a motion picture to amuse indifferent gods (plural). Celulite or worse – they just chuckle at us. They don’t ‘care’. I am only a human, and I would never allow what we see on the planet – war, abuse, greed, hate, fat etc etc etc. Ok so there is Free Will – so what is a God responsible for? I think that is actually what you are asking. did I get that right?

Sad as we are taught to expect so much from the great Universe. We are to pattern ourselves after perfection. What did ‘perfection’ do except throw us out of the Garden of Eden?

Joan Cooper

Malissa aka Lupe - I hope I’m in back of you when you ask god all this because I don’t want to be the one to make him mad lol. Hope you get the wings to take you to poblo! 🙂

Tammy - Hi Lupe, no worries, you can stand behind me. I’m hoping God would have a chuckle at my expense and that there would be no temper issues at all. He must have a sense of humor, right? Why else would we be here? (giggle). Thanks for the read and the post!

Tammy - Hi Joan, it was just a whimsical fun piece. I figure God has a sense of humor and I thought I’d talk with him about it. I must tell you that I have never held myself up to perfection. That would be far too exhausting. I only like to have goals that I have a chance of achieving. Clearly, that is not one of them. As always, your thoughts are very thought provoking. Happy to have you here.

Mel Glenn - A VERY funny column. We disassemble by parts and God should have had a better plan. Do you know the poem “The Deacon’s One-Horse Shay”?
That’s the way we should go.
A delightful piece.

Maureen - So – where are these laser treatments available?? I, like Malissa, will allow you to do the talking for me when the time comes. And I’ll take a Fabio please!!

Carole - Everything you said, Tammy, so I nodded and agreed with. You hit the nail right on the head once again, and so pleased I’m not the only one thinking along these lines!
I reckon there’s going to be quite a few of us fronting up…

Tammy - Hi Mel, yes, glad you got a chuckle out of it. It’s a bit of a ‘girly’ piece but I imagined that men would understand and laugh along with us. Yes! God should have had a better plan! Be sure to mention that to him upon your meeting! Love having you here, thanks for the post!

Tammy - Hi Maureen, oh my gosh, I go to have laser treatments on my freckles every year or two. Otherwise I would be one big liver spot. Any beauty spa place does it, but I prefer to go to my dermatologist for the treatment. Yup, stand in line behind Malissa, I shall represent! Thanks, awfully for the post. Glad you enjoyed the read!

Tammy - Hi Carole, wouldn’t it be nice if God was negotiable? I’m just the girl to have a sit-down with Him about matters such as this. Happy to put your name on the list as I represent! Thanks ever so much for the post. So glad you got a kick out of the read!

Suerae Stein - Ha ha! You speak for me as well, Tammy! Thankfully, most of us did receive some sense of humor about the whole aging business, but I have a feeling I won’t grow old very gracefully! This is a great piece and I don’t blame you for putting it out there more than once!

Tammy - Hi Suerae, yes, it’s one of my favorite pieces! I could add so much more to it these days. Perhaps another blog on another day. If we have a sense of humor … we can pretty much get through anything. I think. I’ll let you know. Haa! Thanks for the read, and the post!

Pam@over50feeling40 - Pretty cute, Tammy!! I am pretty sure He is your biggest fan as well!! He created all that beautiful person inside of you and loves your wit and joy!!

Donna Highfill - Tammy – you are FUNNY! And this is so honest. I was just looking at my neck in the reflection of my computer screen and couldn’t believe how wrinkled it was. I was sure some old lady behind me was computer screen bombing me or something. 🙂 Love your talk with God . . .we have many of these. Thanks for making me laugh.

Karen D. Austin - Oh, I can’t believe how my body is changing. I was expecting some of these things to happen in my 60s. Very unfun. I’m starting to adopt the art of deception. I used to be the granola girl, Ms. Natural. Forget that. Give me a girdle, a push-up bra and some foundation! Oh, and I recently moved from mauve lipstick to copper — because copper matches my livers spots better.

Sharon Greenthal - So funny!!! As much as the physical signs of aging can make me a little nuts sometimes, I love being at midlife – especially because there are women like you to connect with.

Tammy - Hi Sharon, glad to be able to give you a giggle in your day. Interestingly enough, this was a rant I had with God one night when I discovered chin hairs. I felt like that was the tipping point and we needed to have a sit-down. I too am hugely enjoying this age. I’m so much wiser (despite myself), calmer and have more fun. It is pretty wonderful, especially when there are fabulous Gen Fab women like you around. Thanks for that!

Tammy - Hi Karen, haaa! You are too funny. Copper matches your liver spots. Ahahahah! Yeah, I expected all of this stuff to befall me, but somehow I always thought I would be a lot older before I had to deal with it. Surprise! Ten years ago I didn’t know what foundation was. Now, I won’t leave the house without it. Still, this age has given me peace and wisdom I’m not always sure I earned. But you won’t hear me complaining about it. I’ve got enough on my plate as it is. Thanks so much for stopping and sharing. Appreciate your post!

Tammy - Hi Donna, happy to bring a giggle to your day. I could have gone on and on but I figure God is a busy guy and I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. Clearly we have lot’s more to talk about. So happy you popped in and shared. Appreciate it tons!

Tammy - Hi Pam, thanks for the kind review. I’ve had many conversations with The Man, and most of them are quite whimsical. Humor is a gift that was clearly given to me so that I would be able cope with all the stuff that life delivers along the way. I so appreciate you popping in and sharing YOUR wit and joy. Made my day!

Sisters From Another Mister - I am totally making a list.
After all, we have these commandments and stuff, where is His accountability? 😉

Beverly Diehl - They ARE still freckles, they ARE, they ARE…

Oh well. Don’t know if I will eve find it in me to be grateful for my cellulite, but I’m working on it.

Since I haven’t kept the receipts. 😉

Tammy - Hi Sister from another Mister, (LOVE THAT NAME!) Oh, yeah, start making that list. Mine gets longer each year. Not sure how it will go over when I present it, but I’m nothing if not tenacious! Thanks ever so for stopping in. Glad you enjoyed the read, I know I appreciate the comment!

Tammy - Hi Beverly, maybe if we say it three times and click our heels? Worth a shot. Nah, cellulite will never be anyone’s friend. And, yes, I’m still purchasing the freckle creams and the cellulite lotion, and keeping all my receipts. I figure I’ll get point for organization. Haaa, never say die! Glad you enjoyed the read, so happy to have you here!

Ginger Kay - I think God works overtime to keep me from becoming vain.

Tammy - Ginger, I understand. I kinda thought he had his hands full with me, but it seems there are many of us out there. Vanity isn’t part of my vocab anymore. But camouflage clothing and smoke and mirrors is. Appreciate the read and welcome the comment. Awesome!

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