Take a seat, let’s have a chat.
So, how are ya? What’s new besides the old famine, war, plagues and pestilence thing? How are the kids?
Can I ask you a personal question? Why do you always look so grumpy? I mean, you’re doing what you want, wreaking havoc throughout the world, and instigating lies, deceit and infidelity. What’s that? Oh, you have nothing to do with infidelity? Well, that figures.
So, let’s talk about forgiveness; rumor has it that you were pretty tight with God a long time ago. I’m talking centuries here, so don’t you think it might be time to just forgive and forget?
I mean, no offense or anything, but the world would be a better place without you and all your shenanigans. (Yes, that’s a real word). And we could use the break.
Speaking of a break, I’m thinking you should stay the hell out of Washington. I mean, seriously, its overkill. Our reps there do a splendid job implementing greed, lies and corrupt agendas without your help. So don’t even think about trying to take credit for that.
Oh, stop flashing that evil smile at me, you’re not scaring me one bit. Although it is getting hot in here, maybe we could turn the air up a notch.
Look, if you want the truth, here it is. As a species we can kill, plunder, lie, cheat and slaughter humans and animals to extinction right up there with the best of them. So you see, you’ve become a bit obsolete at this point.
I’m sure you get a big kick out of the droughts, earthquakes, tornados, fires and floods. Don’t even think of taking credit for them or Mother Nature will come kick your ass too. You never want to piss off a woman. Just saying.
What is it with you and ex husbands? I mean is this a team sport? I’m pretty confident that they don’t need your help or guidance in their quest to cheat, lie and otherwise disrespect us. Maybe you could just step away from that company for a while. I bet you will start to feel better about yourself in no time flat.
Along those lines, you really should stop hanging out with those bankers. They are a horrible influence on you and no good can come of it. You need to pay better attention to the company you keep. Clearly they are better at your job than you are. With friends like that … well, you know.
Stop looking so sad. Maybe it’s time for you to take advantage of your time shares, take a vacation, hang up the pitch fork and go make some new friends. We’ve got it covered from here.
No, I’m not interested in selling my soul for 72 virgins, but thanks.
Until then, we’ll make the best of things. Truth is it might be a lot quieter around here without you. Maybe I can finally get some reading done.
Bye now. I’m sure we will see you again soon. Inhumanity never seems to be gone for too long.
Oh, and do something about those hideous claws and hoofed feet, will you please? I know a great little shop off Melrose. And for the love of God, buy some breath mints.
Respectfully,
Tammy
Jenn - Oh Tammy! What else can I say but AMEN!
Sue Cove - Just perfect Tammy!
I see his evil in the doctors office! I hate those horms and the nasty gossip……..
Ex husbands…..arg! mine was married this last weekend to a woman he dated 6 months…..kids found out on Facebook!
Damn it to the deveil!
Love you forever, Sue.
T K - Well Tammy, I’d love to hear the story about how you came to write this piece. Don’t take me wrong because I think it’s one of the best you’ve ever written. And, all you’ve written is pretty awesome. Amen
Sue Cove - P. S. Sorry for the misspelling….i type faster than my brain thinks! xxooxxxoo!
tammy - Sue, you have just given me my new saying: “Damn it to the devil”. Love it! Yikes to your story. Allow me to be one of many who say out loud that your ex is a louse. The devil is in the details. Not telling your own kids you are marrying and having them find out on FB, well, that’s a pretty big detail. Thank you for posting. I always love hearing from you…misspellings or not.
tammy - TK, there is always a story behind every post. This one in particular. Thanks, for the good review, it felt like a warm hug through the computer. Back at ya. Thank you for posting!
tammy - Jenn, Amen to you, my sister from another mother!
marilyn - Hey Tammy, I especially have to be nice to him….you know us people are ending up in his hood. Also, I think he’s here visiting the Coachella Valley!!!!!!!
Kellie - Brilliant my friend! Yes,there is always a back story to every story posted on a blog…my gosh would love to hear the front story that brought you to write this blog over coffee some day! I think I would wet myself in laughter listening!
Kris Henderson - Well, they say the devil is in the details and you certainly detailed what was on your mind! Nice job….although you leave me wondering what you’ve experienced lately!! ha
Suerae Stein - Boy I sure would hate to be the devil on the other side of your wrath – lol! LOVE this post and you’re so right – we really don’t need any help with all of our devious dealings here on earth! Thanks for another great one. 🙂 ~ Suerae
PS. Did you get my Versatile Blogger Award message?
Marie - What a fun & clever post. Thanks for making me smile this morning.
And I’d love to hear the story behind it, too. . . .
tammy - Marie, always happy to make you smile. Yup, there is quite a tale behind this post….it has attached to it two horns and an angry dispostion. Haaa! Thanks for the post!
tammy - Suerae, we really must meet in person one day. Wouldn’t that be lovely. Thank you for the honor bestowed on me with the Versatile Blogger Award. I’m thrilled. And, no, you wouldn’t want to be on the other side of my wrath. Come to think of it, neither would I. Thanks for always being here.
tammy - Kris, the devil IS the details which often conveniently get left out. Lots to share on this post, but I think that’s for another day. Thanks for your post, always appreciated!
tammy - Kellie, I guess my fabulously sarcastic side shines bright here. Without humor, I would be a very grumpy girl. Coffee sounds nice, but there shall be no wetting! Thanks for your post.
tammy - Marilyn, The Coachella Valley certainly feels like hell at times, at least to this pansy who prefers the cooler climate that Denver has to offer. Alas, it does have it’s beauty, the least of which is you. Thanks for posting, so good to have you here.
Robyn Campbell - Too funny! I thoroughly enjoyed it and I thoroughly agree! Genius post. Happy Labor Day!
tammy - Robyn, Thanks for the kind words. I don’t think I’ve ever been referred to as a genius before. Clearly an oversite. Haaa! Happy you enjoyed it. Hope to see you back, and thanks for the post.
child custody investigator Arkansas - I am really inspired with your writing talents and also with the format on your weblog. Is that this a paid theme or did you modify it your self? Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it is uncommon to look a great blog like this one nowadays..