I’d be filthy rich. Okay. Not really. But I would have saved myself a lot of grief, angst and tears. Growing up is hard. I’m still working on it.
Needless to say, I would have used sunscreen (duh!), I wouldn’t be self-conscious of my body (it was fabulous), I wouldn’t be impressed with money (even idiots can make it), I would have finished my college education, I would have had 2 beautiful children instead of one (so they could quarrel together for years to come), I would have said yes more often (get your mind out of the gutter), I would have continued practicing the piano, and I would have given myself more credit.
In the 1980’s I lost my home in a foreclosure. I was devastated. I knew it was the end of me. I had a newborn baby and the weight of the world on my shoulders. There were many sleepless nights and panic settled in for a long stay.
I remember one night in particular, I had a very vivid dream. I was standing in a room looking out of a beautiful picture window down onto the city below. As I gazed at the full moon, I began to sob quietly, seeped in the depths of despair. Quietly, someone came from behind me, put their hand on my shoulder and whispered into my ear that everything was going to be all right. The assurance was so strong, I didn’t doubt it.
I woke up knowing it was someone I knew. Someone I trusted. Someone I knew who would not lie to me. Here’s the kicker … I think it was me.
I’ve often thought since then, if you could visit your younger self, what would you say? What advice would you give? Would it matter? Would you listen?
I would. I did.
Whether it was me or a guardian angel (not that I ever gave angels any real consideration), I believed without a doubt. I still do. The moment was solid, real, and after 29 years, I still remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday. Although, if I do have a guardian angel, I’m sure I will be apologizing for a lot of stuff when we meet.
Here’s where it gets weirder. Years later I found myself standing in the second story of my dream home looking out to the city below from a large picture window, sobbing quietly. I was about to file for divorce, lose my 29 year marriage and everything I had ever worked for. I was inconsolable. As I gazed steadily into the full moon above, all of a sudden, in the blankness of my thoughts, I gasped a gasp of astonishment. I had seen this moment before. I had felt it. At that moment I remembered everything. I’m being completely truthful when I tell you that my soul was instantly comforted and I never doubted my future would turn out just fine. I told you it was weird.
I’d be the most brilliant person in the world if I told you I understood all of this stuff. I don’t. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t powerful, convincing and wondrous. Yes, I do know how silly it all sounds.
Which is why I’ve never shared this with anyone. Until now. I don’t know if other people have gone through something like this. But I’d sure like to. Any degree of crazy seems less crazy when you share it with others.
Do I think this is all fabricated in my mind? I do not. Do I think I was visited by an angel or a spirit of my future self? Who the hell knows? I think I was visited by my saving grace.
Life has taught me to not discard any possibility for anything. It has also taught me that understanding everything is highly overrated. Life is stranger than fiction.
For the record, if I knew then what I know now, I would not have turned down the opportunity to invest in a little sandwich shop in Woodland Hills that made killer cheesecakes. Instead I would today own a small piece of a little chain called The Cheesecake Factory.
Damn, that one still stings.