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Oh, the sights of summer

Bathing suit season is soon upon us. Let us pray.

Clearly I was born too late. If I were born in Roman times, I would be a goddess. I would have been revered; maybe even a legend (and not just in my own mind).

Instead, I am considered by many to be a little fluffier than I should be. In my opinion, I am just preparing myself for leaner times. It’s all about efficiency.

No matter. I, like you, will need to shop for that one bathing suit that will compliment my full figure. Just the thought of it is enough to make me break out into a cold sweat.

It’s all about courage and a positive attitude. Both of which I sadly lack when it comes to getting naked in stark lighting and fitting into a tiny spandex outfit.

This is not my first rodeo. Let me share some pointers.

Don’t be fooled by the label Slim Suit. It’s easy to get excited when reading the large tag which promises you will lose 10 pounds instantly. I’m still waiting.

Surprisingly, this tiny garment manages to suck in a lot of the fluff, and when standing in a frontal position, it doesn’t look half bad. It would be perfect if we didn’t have to move or breathe. Inconveniently, we need to do both.

Never, I repeat never, take off a wet one piece suit to go to the bathroom. If you don’t let it dry first, getting it back on could take an act of God. It will leave you breathless, exhausted and sweaty. A little like great sex only without the orgasm.

Thongs are not your friend.

Back fat. There, I said it. I don’t know where it comes from and I am not amused.

The great thing about a good bathing suit is that is pulls ‘everything’ in. The bad thing about it is that it moves it all to your upper back. It appears that I have two butts. Not awesome.

Most all women know that we look better coming into a room than we do exiting one. This is why God invented the swim suit cover-up.

They come in all colors but black seems to be the color of choice. I thought I’d set myself apart from the maddening crowd one summer and purchased a sassy little red number. I saw a picture of myself wearing this cute frock and realized that I resembled a barn and the only things missing were the cows and the sheep. Lesson learned.

There is pity little we can do about the cellulite on our thighs. Once again proof that the world is not fair. I’ve learned that red lipstick and cleavage bearing outfits help to balance things out.

Buying a bathing suit is the ultimate camouflage experience. It takes patience, stealth maneuvering and the ability to hold one’s breath. Flexibility also comes into play. It’s beyond embarrassing when you have to yell over the door for someone to come untangle you. Yes, it’s happened.

It is daunting work, which is why most of us keep our bathing suits until they are stretched out and faded beyond recognition.

Truth is, as I get older I care less about what people think of me. I saw my reflection in a store window and was startled to realize it was me I was looking at. Proof that my biggest critic is me. Not unusual for women. We are tough on ourselves.

Men shop for swimming trunks by checking the size then going directly to the register without trying it on. They have little awareness of their man boobs, protruding bellies, excess body hair and scrawny toothpick legs. I admire that.

Finding comfort in our own skin is a life quest; easier said than done. I figure by the time I’m 80 I’ll have it down.

As in life, bathing suit shopping is made easier when tackled with a trusted girl friend. Honest feedback, warm encouragement and the willingness to provide CPR if needed is something we all need. Few things are more heart stopping than getting naked in a dressing room with harsh lighting and 3-way mirrors while trying to fit into something you swear would fit your 10 year old niece.

And yet, we persist, a noble trait.

Memorial Day weekend is the official start of summer. It is that time of year when we get into the mindset of romantic picnics, summer concerts, warm coastal breezes and starry summer nights. Or, if you’re like me, your thoughts might wander to fried chicken, potato salad and lemon meringue pies. Hmm, this explains a lot.

Now, if only I could find a turtle neck bathing suit with a lovely little skirt … that goes down to my knees. Pass the sunscreen!


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Jeff Davidson - Very entertaining. A little reminder of Erma Bombeck!

tp - Oh my gosh!! How did you know what I have to go through getting a swim suit. At the same time, realizing that you’re never going to be perfect and accepting that concept is refreshing. The younger people in my life are not ashamed of how I look, why should I be. Cellulite must be “in”.

Shirlene - Boy, Tammy, you got that right for sure! I laughed hard reading….My black slimming swim suits are ready to put on in a few weeks. Can hardly wait myself! I look at it this way….If you don’t like it then don’t look! Look out summer, here I come! - This is so funny!!! I was just thinking about bathing suits as I am preparing my vacation to South Carolina! I have taken the stress out of shopping for bathing suits a couple of years ago! First I bought many at the end of the summer as they are cheaper and then I purchased a bunch that work well for me! So like this, no more thinking about shopping for some any time soon! I don’t like shopping for clothes anyway so I always purchase many colors of the same thing when it fits great! I swim often at my gym so it forces me to be aware of my ‘appearance’ before hitting the beach during the summer, but I still wish I looked like Halle Berry in a bathing suit!

Jennifer Eubanks - Now this….THIS is why I live in the mountains. No beaches. No worries of swimsuits. Except for the indoor pool filled with little teenagers who look like they came off the cover of Vogue. And yes, a one piece + having to pee= disaster!

tammy - Hi Jeff, Thanks mucho! I loved Erma Bombeck and consider that to be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about my writing. Happy you are here!

tammy - TP, There are many things us women have in common. Fear of facing ourselves naked is up there on the list! You’re right …. have no shame, let your beauty shine! Thanks for your post.

tammy - Hi Shirleen, LOVE your attitude. I once lived in a condo that could easily be viewed by other units. I loved having my shades up and thought a lot like you do; if they didn’t want to see a 55 year old woman in her skivvies, they shouldn’t be looking. Have a great summer in your black slimming suits. Thanks for being here.

tammy - Hi Healthdiva, I’m not entirely sure that even Halle Berre looks like Halle Berre, although I’d take it! You are such a clever shopper. I bet your Xmas shopping is done by September. If I ever find a suit that compliments me and is comfortable, I’m buying ten of them! Unlikely…but a girl can dream. Thanks for the post!

tammy - Jennifer, it IS a blessing living away from the beach, although I would miss it if I didn’t have it near me. But I see the advantage. Kudo’s to you for holding your own among all the young whip-er-snappers in their cute little suits. And, yes, we all have learned to either “hold it” or do it before you swim. Duh?! So very happy to have you on the other side of my posts.

Rach (DonutsMama) - This is great! Thanks for the laugh. I so dread swimsuit season. Just as I got comfortable in a 2 piece, I went and got pregnant and had a baby! Oh well, I love the beach and the pool so that’s not gonna stop me!

Carmen - Just love all your articles so insightful with reality attached to them. My saving grace is I neither sun myself or know how to swim. That being said, at least with clothes I can hide bulges better!!! I totally agree with Jeff, Erma Bombeck lives on!!!

tammy - Thanks Carmen! I love being called ‘insightful’. Been called a lot worse! I agree with you….I spend my time staying out of the sun; big hats, long sleeves. Far cry from the girl who grew up on Santa Monica pier. Oh, Erma…..did you hear that? What a privilage to be lumped in with such company. I hope I do her justice. Thanks for being here.

tammy - Hi Rach, us moms know that we usually compromise drop dead body for simply gorgeous baby. It’s God’s sense of humor and it all works out in the end. Absolutely not….you go to that beach and you take that beautiful baby with you. Don’t forget the sun hats and sunscreen. Thanks for your post.

kriti - Tammy – sometimes I really wonder if you are for real – this was so much that I really need to put some ice on my cheeks. It hurts from all the smiling : ))

Cynthia - Well, you’ve done it once again…laughed so hard my face hurt…It’s all so true…I still have a one piece black suit that is threadbare, the elastic is worn out and cracked at the straps…yet I still put it on.

tammy - Cynthia….we are sister’s from different mothers! So happy I was able to put a smile on your face. Thanks so much for being here!

tammy - Hi Kriti, If I were any more real it would be scary. So happy to have you following. Thanks for the post!

SIS - Yep, a bit like Erma ! So many laughs, and incredible visuals !…hehe ! Keep up the good work….you are the best at what you do !

tammy - Hi SIS, yikes….the visuals are scary! Thanks for being here…so glad you are.

google - I liked your article is an interesting technology
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