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Payback’s a Bitch

Teddy bear with a leg injury, sitting on a black sofa.Not all that long ago, I wrote a blog post about how men are such babies when it comes to being sick or facing a “procedure”. HuffPost picked it up (God bless their little hearts) and I think I garnered the most hate mail in the history of Huffington Post blogs. It wasn’t what I was going for.

God does have a sense of humor, as tomorrow I will have my chance at bat. I will undergo what is affectionately called a bunionectomy on my right foot. No mobility for 5 days and no weight bearing on my foot for 6 weeks. Oh, and for a little added fun and drama, I will have a plaster cast up to the knee. Are we having fun yet?

First off, let me share that my doctor’s name should be Dr. Dreamy, but decorum demands that I address him as Dr. Hurless. Killer smile, great hair, chiseled cheek bones, scruffy 2 day face beard, tanned skin and I swear his eyes twinkle. It’s all topped off with a super sweet personality. You know you’re scared out of your mind when none of that matters a wit.

All I wanted to know was how many of these procedures he’s got under his belt (thousands), how long will I be under (2 hours), how much pain will I be in (not much … and if you believe that I’ve got some land to sell you near a Florida sinkhole), and was there any bribe I could offer him (money was no object) to get out of the cast and into a boot instead? There wasn’t.

So it seems, I am condemned to a leg scooter with hand brakes (because clearly people with leg casts go steamrolling down Costco aisles on their spiffy scooters), and a pair of crutches for my very survival.

I’ve never endured this kind of surgery. No idea what to expect of it all but I am left with the knowledge that I will have a pin sticking out of my foot to stabilize the bone as it heals. I am sweating just thinking about it.

I’ve learned that I will need to shower with a big rubber boot over my cast while standing on one foot like a flamingo. As sexy as that sounds, how is that not an accident waiting to happen?

I’ve cleared my calendar of speaking engagements but will be meeting with my clients for their coaching needs. No clue exactly how I’ll make that happen, but I’m betting I will be happier than a fenced in dog going for a car ride just to get out of the house. You might even catch me with my head hanging out the window allowing the wind to flap my ears.

True to being a girl I’m worrying about the important things, like how I’m going to shave my good leg, make it to the bathroom at 3 in the morning, and what clothes will I be able to wear that will allow me to avoid the one legged potato sack look. I am not amused.

Preparing for my surgery I’ve done 4 loads of wash, cleaned the carpets, had the dog groomed, made 2 casseroles and a sumptuous vegie soup and mopped all the floors. I’ve also removed all the area rugs in the house for obvious klutzy reasons, and have gathered enough doggie poop bags for a poop apocalypse. I’ve also stocked up on enough cat kibble and dog food to weather Noah’s Ark. You can never have enough pet food. But the most important thing I’ve done to prepare is to schedule a full 90 minute body massage, manicure and pedicure later today, because my mama didn’t raise no fool.

I am surprisingly optimistic and eager to get on with the procedure. The way I figure it, I’m fixing a very sad and hurting little foot that has served me well for 60 years. I owe it a lot, and am pretty damn excited about it being as good as new in a few months.

You can be sure I will trick out my scooter with a basket (to hold my coffee, phone, tablet, blah, blah, blah). I’ll also put a horn on the handle bars just to let the cats and dog know that I’m still the boss (as if).

I am also tricking myself out with a whistle around my neck because the last thing I want for myself is to be the new poster child for the I’ve fallen and I can’t get up crowd. Now that would hurt!

Tomorrow I’m going medal shopping. The kind of medal you give to a hero. Because that is what my loving man is, my hero. And I have a feeling that before all this is said and done, I will be commissioning a statue in his likeness for the front lawn. That is, if we don’t kill each other first.

To be continued …. 

 

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cheryl - HILARIOUS—————and good luck!!!!!!!!!!!We’ll be thinking of you

Tana Bevan - Tammy — How do you do it? Even scared, apprehensive, being knocked out, cut open, and then having to curtail your activities, you find the humor in the situation. And you CONVEY it to others!

Yeah, payback’s a bitch. Something about walking a mile in the other’s shoe and all that. Does that apply if you’re in a cast? Wouldn’t think you’d still have to go the entire mile. It’d probably be too much. Perhaps it can be modified to “Don’t make fun of another (or give them grief or whatever) until you’ve hobbled a few yards in their cast?”

Kidding aside, wishing you a successful surgery, a speedy recovery, and who knows, maybe you’ll be inspired to run a marathon … (or not)? Hugs & good wishes heading your way!

Terri - You’re very brave and you will come out of this a hero too! Stay focused on how much better your foot will feel when it’s all healed. Wishing you an uneventful surgery and quick recovery!

Haralee - Best of luck!

Tammy - Thanks, Haralee! I wouldn’t mind having a little luck in my back pocket!

Carol Cassara - Wishing you only calm thoughts and a quick recovery!

Tammy - Thanks, Cheryl. Tomorrow will be a big day. I’m hoping to sleep through most of it! So glad you enjoyed the read!

Tammy - Hi Tana, humor is my weapon against paralyzing fear. So far … so good! I’m actually super grateful that I can have this taken care of. Yes, I’m dreading it like crazy, but have had times in my life when things went wrong but I had no ability to do anything about it. Stuff like that you don’t forget. So, color me grateful for the chance, the technology, the doctors and the damn insurance! With any luck I’ll sleep through the whole day tomorrow. Always happy to have you here, Tana. You warm up the place!

Tammy - Hi Terri, thanks ever so much for the good thoughts. I hope to pull through this like the champ I want to be when I grow up. Any day now! So very happy to have you here, Terri. Thanks for that.

Joan Cooper - First of all – I want to tell you how very brave you are! I could not face what you are facing and that you can make light of it is miraculous. May the time rush by and quickly become a memory.

Second – to Jeff – I counted 3 typos – yahyahyahyahyahyah.

Joan

Tammy - Hi Joan, I’ve got to tell you…I’m not the least bit brave. I’m terrified. Of the pain, the inability to move, walk and function. Did I mention that I’m afraid of the pain? I use humor as my weapon against my fears. It’s truly a dear friend to me. Truth is, I’m super grateful for this procedure and how it will improve my life and eliminate my pain. Truly grateful. What I’m not grateful for is noting in your comment that there are 3 typos in my post (very sad face). Just for the record…the word ‘wit’ is the word I chose to use. Jeff informed me it should have been ‘bit’. He was mistaken. If you have spotted an inaccuracy, do pray tell, share it with me so that I may correct it. Do appreciate you being here.

Tammy - Thanks, Carol. Calm thoughts would be a good thing. Especially since I just “practiced” going up and down my stairs on my butt and am ridiculously exhausted after one run through! Thanks for that!

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
I am sure on some level you are scared, but I admire both your courage and your humor. You will soon be zipping around on that scooter in preparation for the Daytona 500. All the best and my prayers for a speedy recovery go out to you.

Tammy - Hi Mel, you are correct….I was terrified. To be expected, I think. But, I knew I was in the best of hands and found myself grateful to be able to have the procedure. I am scooting around back and forth, not venturing too far. I now know what it feels like to be afraid to fall. A new feeling. Super careful. Super slow at everything. Which is okay, because I’ve no place to go! Thank you for the prayers. Appreciate them AND you, so very much.

Janie Emaus - I’m glad it all went well. Take care!

Suerae Stein - Wonderful blog, Tammy, although I’m sorry you have to go through such a procedure. I am thoroughly amazed at how much you’ve prepare in advance of the big day. I don’t hink a man would have thought to do any of that!!! Well done! I wish you a very pain free and speedy recovery!

Tammy - Hi Suerae, this has been a long time in the coming. One of those things you put off that you shouldn’t put off. Right? My wonderful man will be so overwhelmed in the coming days. I did what I could to help take the edge off. So far…this is quite the adventure! So good to hear from you, thanks for the kind review!

Tammy - Thanks, Janie. So far, so good. I think. Kind of hard to tell when you spend the day in a drug fog. It hurts like hell, but I knew it would. Elevating and icing is my life for the next 5 days. Yippeee! Looking at the big picture…if I can only keep my eyes open. Thanks for the read and the comment. Appreciate you!

Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com - Hi Tammy! I’m just catching up with all the posts from this last week from all the great midlife writers out there and came across yours. I’m sure by now the worst is over–except for the frustration at how long it takes to heal something like this of course!!! Having been through a couple of similar situations I can assure you that you WILL HEAL and that you’ll be even more appreciative of things we normally take for granted….like getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night or run to the store for any little thing you might need, etc. etc. Plus, as you say it is such an awesome way to discover how much your husband loves you!! Mine was the best angel in the world when I was recovering. So happy healing and can’t wait to read some of your posts about the journey! ~Kathy

Tammy - Thanks, Kathy. I know what you mean about catching up on the reading. So many awesome writers! I do the same thing, but I always seem a bit behind. So happy you stopped by, and very happy you enjoyed the read! Super frustrating situation to be in, that’s for darn sure. This too shall pass…. then I get to do the other foot. Ugh! All tribulations lead to writing. That is the bright side of things. Thanks for being here, so appreciate the comment!

Anne Tichauer - Tammy,

Get well soon, Sunshine girl!

Anne

Tammy - Thank you, Anne. I’m hobbling, I mean working on it. So appreciate you!

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