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Sex: why are we wanting less of it?

Is this a trick question?

I’ve just finished reading the umpteenth survey telling me how unsatisfied everyone in America is with their sex life and how we are prone to live more celibate lives in our ‘golden years’. Really?

So it got me to thinking; how many kinds of sex is there and why are we wanting less of it? I put my thinking cap on and came up with the answer. Let us begin.

First time sex –It’s usually pretty clumsy at best and unless you are a good communicator (screaming God’s name doesn’t count) then you will most likely not get the most satisfying result. That’s politically correct talk for: you won’t reach your highest peak. The thought is usually a lot more rewarding than the actual act.

Random stupid sex – the name pretty much tells the whole story. If you’re going to have sex with someone you don’t know just for fun, chances are good you won’t have any … fun, that is. There’s just so much wrong with this idea I don’t even know where to start. Mind you, I have no experience in this field so I’m relying on stories that I’m sure have been embellished. I have to come clean here – I’ve always wanted to experience a steamy one night stand but the closest I’ve gotten was buying a T-shirt with a picture of a night stand complete with a lamp and book on it with the words “one night stand” underneath. Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic. But seriously, with all the crazies out there I’d think twice before having crazy stupid sex. Yikes, I sound like my mother!

New relationship sex – This happens when two people have gotten to know each other, respond well to each others needs and go out of their way to please the other person. At this point, women are still wearing sexy undies and shave their legs often. Men still suck in their gut and wear expensive cologne. It sounds like a win but it often goes sour when you find out that she’s a crazy bitch or he’s a conceited jerk. New relationship sex is often confused with true love sex but make no mistake, it’s far from it.

True love sex –This is epic sex providing climax and cuddle time worth their weight in gold. It’s a hard find (no pun intended) but worth the search. This always brings forth two people who are intent not only in sexually pleasing each other but also strive to please each other the other 23 hours and 56 minutes of the day. Awesome!

Lazy sex – This is what happens when epic sex has been around for a while. It threatens the foundation of the true love status and should be identified and remedied ASAP. Lazy sex is responsible for 52% of women venturing out of the marriage for sexual satisfaction. You can recognize lazy sex by the fact that neither of you wants to move around too much, get too sweaty, or exert too much energy. For some reason farting and belching come into play (I have no idea why) but it’s basically the “I’m here, you’re here, let’s do it” attitude. A relationship death sentence if there ever was one.

Cheating sex – This is hot and torrid (I’ve been told) and addictive. Many a marriage has lost its way because they were on the wrong end of this kind of sex. I’m lucky enough to have never been on the other side of this kind of sex and loyal enough never to have been the cheater. I have to confess that it holds a mystique that intrigues. But considering the cost of a family lost and a true love forfeited, I can’t imagine that it’s worth it. I’ve witnessed plenty of marriages that have battled cheating sex, none of which has ever had a happy ending.

Make-up sex – This sex is always easy. Both parties want to come together (Oy! When will these puns stop?) to make amends and seal their love. It’s usually sincere, caring and hot. It also comes with loving conversation afterwards that seals their commitment to never quarrel again. That is until the next time he criticizes her wardrobe or she, his drinking. Make up sex is almost always worth fighting for.

Alone sex – I’m not sure I’m even allowed to talk about this as no one ever admits to it (Really, people?) so it must never happen anywhere in America. So I’ll just say that it’s probably the easiest sex there is, no one to please but yourself and it’s a pretty easy recipe for success. But not having anyone to talk to, moan to, scream at, (is it hot in here?) hold tight, well, it’s a definite down side. Still, I’m betting it’s better than random stupid sex. But I could be wrong.

3 Way Sex and gay/lesbian sex – All right everybody, settle down. I’m sure there is a ton to say about this, but since I have absolutely no clue and everyone I’ve asked (over 40 people) claim to have no experience, I am just going to have to leave this as an honorable mention and leave the rest to your imagination. Let me just say that as a child of the 60’s I believe in to each his/her own (holding up the V peace sign with my fingers) and there is no judgment here.

Having chronicled all of the types of sex I can’t help but think I’ve missed one or two. I’m also starting to understand why so many people are opting out. It’s a lot of work getting there, staying there, wanting to be there, making sure your partner is there with you; dear God, it’s exhausting! Perhaps everyone is just taking a break from the activity; a wellness vacation from insatiable sexual pursuits.

Maybe it’s the times. The struggles we face today, the worries about finances, mortgages, employment, the kids, the parents. It’s endless. It would be nice if all these stresses brought us together, but I guess they often do the opposite. It’s such a shame, because we need each other during these hardships.

Just know this, sex is easy to find, easy to have and easy to walk away from. Love is none of these things. Unfortunately, sex without love seems more futile by the day.

Do we need it? Probably not. But do you really relish the thought of sitting across the breakfast table and staring across at a frustrated, moody, cranky individual who looks like they would just as soon run you over as look at you? Yeah, me either.

I prefer waking up to the one man with whom I shared clumsy first time sex, new relationship sex, true love sex and make up sex with. I think that’s how it’s supposed to work.

But what do I know?


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Suerae Stein - I think you know a lot, Tammy, and you have a wonderful way of saying it, even with a potentially uncomfortable topic like sex! And to be able to do it without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you for this post – it’s very thought provoking. 🙂

Scott Morgan - If this isn’t written for the jugular, I’m not going to venture a guess at which part it’s written for. But from where I sit, you’ve managed quite a coup — you’ve managed to talk about S-E-X without it being dirty, crude, juvenile, or jokey (puns aside). Give yourself a hand. (sorry, couldn’t resist)

maureen - Funny and oh too true!

Tammy - Hi Suerae, Haa! I’d like to think I do. Thanks for the positive revue. I knew the subject would make some uncomfortable but as usual, I pull no punches and tell it like it is … or how I think it is. So happy you popped in and grateful for your post.

Tammy - Hi Scott, I pulled a coup? Awesome! I just call them as I see them. I’m nothing if I’m not honest. I get an A for courage, don’t ya think? I’m giving myself a hand, and thanks for posting. ALWAYS love it when you stop in.

Tammy - Hi Maureen, so happy to see you here. Glad you enjoyed the post. I read four articles last week all addressing the fact that we, as American’s are having less sex. What? Turns out to be true. Interesting topic and I just took it to the wild side for a wee bit of fun. Thanks for the post!

Laura Lee Carter aka the Midlife Crisis Queen - Hey Tammy:
Thanks for that humorous explanation of every kind of sex we want to think about right now!

I’ll be sending some of my readers your way from my “Believe In Love Again” blog. BTW, I have found that the BEST way to get readers is simply mention the word “SEX.”

LOVE your insights! They always make me laugh! Great photo too! -Laura

kellie kennedy - Yes Tammy
This is a topic that is one of those slippery slopes.
women are such different creatures. Men view sec so differently. I wish men and women were on the
same page when it comes to sex. Our biological needs are so opposite at the same age. Just when 40 year women are coming into their own desiring sex men are doing the opposite with their clocks. Having used allot of their energy up in this area in their younger years. Doesn’t seem fair huh?

Tammy - Hi Laura Lee, you are too funny – you mean all I’ve had to do this whole time is mention the word ‘sex’? Geesh! So glad you enjoyed the read, always happy to make you laugh. I LOVE IT when I’m shared…thanks for that! I will, of course, check in with your blog. This was a fun write for me. A touchy subject that really shouldn’t be, right? Thanks for being here, Laura Lee, and for posting!

Tammy - Hi Kellie, a slippery slope indeed! The point you mentioned is further proof that God has a sense of humor. It would be wonderful to be on the same ‘sex clock’, but alas, it is not to be. So, we work with what we’ve got. So glad you brought this point forward, somehow I neglected to mention it. You’re awesome! Great to see you here…and thanks for posting!

cheryl - Wow—–you take on such interesting topics and this one is extremely timely as I have just read an artcle by a psychiatrist, Jean Shinoda Bolen. She says that in women, the area of the brain that weighs options in decision making is larger than in men. This includes sensations of the body that pick up emotional data. In men the part of the brain that is devoted to sex and awareness of fear and aggression is two and a half times larger than in women. Do you suppose a man’s sense of self-worth with women has to do with sexual perfomance??? Duh. As a woman, I find that to be a sad commentary.
Also, being past menopause, the thought of sex is painful and the act feels horrific—–oh yah there are hormones and creams that help (also messy) but the desire is lacking if but to please him. No man would put himself through it—–very few anyway.
I believe there is less pretense in women today regarding sex and that is a good thing.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Jenny Paulsen - I have another type of sex to add, black and blue sex. Why does a man take a pill and then know that “when the moment is right” he then sits in a different tub than his partner? I can only imagine the bruises I would get having sex that way?
On a more serious note. Having two young adults sex to them is scary. You could die. Seems the trend with their peers is to wait or at least think first. There still will be/is all the above sex that you mentioned with their generation but with so many ways to see, learn, talk with others, be anonymous, get answers, realize what you don’t want happening to you, there is a lot more to think about than I ever considered.
I hear older adults say “I sure wouldn’t want to be raising children now a days”. I dislike that so much. Their older generations probably said the same thing and I wonder if they would have liked to hear that statement. You don’t have a say when you are born but when sex becomes important in your life you do make your own choices no matter what is going on in our world. I give credit to the young people who are trying to be responsible and I also have nothing bad to say to the “one night stand” person either.
Must end back on a lighter note. I’m so glad we have a big tub and if I happen to get a bruise I usually smile at how I got it. (wink)

Tammy - Hi Cheryl, you’re pretty wonderful to share your story (I’d stick to it too), thanks for that. I have not reached that stage in my life but am on a fast approach. I’ve heard very similar tellings and it does seem unfair, doesn’t it? We should go into our golden age being the same vixens we were in our youth. I call no fair! And I tend to agree with you; it is unlikely that a man would put himself through the act when it is so unpleasant; or, if we have to go there, at least allow both men and women to enter that stage at the same time. I remember my ex husband (who is now 60) telling me that he doesn’t like to date women his own age because they are all dried up. Horribly offensive. His solution was to hook up with a young 33 year old Russian girl. Apparently, his life is a dream. I don’t begrudge him one bit, but do find him sleeping with someone that could easily be his daughter more than disturbing. I guess it’s a ‘girl’ thing, or maybe an ex-wife thing. It seems that the sex drive gets stronger as men get older and the opposite runs true for us. Something I will be sure to discuss with God one day when we meet. Just saying. Thanks again for sharing…and for being here. Your post was wonderful.

Tammy - Hi Jenny, such an interesting response, thank you! You know, being young in the 60’s and 70’s everyone assumes that we were all having sex, doing acid and getting high. Many of us were not. I did burn my bra (my mother was mortified because it was the only one I owned) but sex was something kept for love. We didn’t have the venues and opportunities that kids have today to inform and advise. I think it’s a huge benefit for them. We had AIDS in our time but didn’t know what it was. It’s a lot easier being safe when you know the pitfalls, consequences and realities of it all. Yeah, it’s scary all right! But they are able to be smarter about it. I’ve also heard people say they wouldn’t want to raise kids these days and heard it when I was a child. It’s tough business any way you slice it. But the kids … well, you know, they are the light of our lives and our gift to the world we live in. By the way…there will be NO tub sitting for me! Thanks, Jenny, for posting and sharing your point of view. It is so important.

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