I’ve just finished reading the umpteenth survey telling me how unsatisfied everyone in America is with their sex life and how we are prone to live more celibate lives in our ‘golden years’. Really?
So it got me to thinking; how many kinds of sex is there and why are we wanting less of it? I put my thinking cap on and came up with the answer. Let us begin.
First time sex –It’s usually pretty clumsy at best and unless you are a good communicator (screaming God’s name doesn’t count) then you will most likely not get the most satisfying result. That’s politically correct talk for: you won’t reach your highest peak. The thought is usually a lot more rewarding than the actual act.
Random stupid sex – the name pretty much tells the whole story. If you’re going to have sex with someone you don’t know just for fun, chances are good you won’t have any … fun, that is. There’s just so much wrong with this idea I don’t even know where to start. Mind you, I have no experience in this field so I’m relying on stories that I’m sure have been embellished. I have to come clean here – I’ve always wanted to experience a steamy one night stand but the closest I’ve gotten was buying a T-shirt with a picture of a night stand complete with a lamp and book on it with the words “one night stand” underneath. Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic. But seriously, with all the crazies out there I’d think twice before having crazy stupid sex. Yikes, I sound like my mother!
New relationship sex – This happens when two people have gotten to know each other, respond well to each others needs and go out of their way to please the other person. At this point, women are still wearing sexy undies and shave their legs often. Men still suck in their gut and wear expensive cologne. It sounds like a win but it often goes sour when you find out that she’s a crazy bitch or he’s a conceited jerk. New relationship sex is often confused with true love sex but make no mistake, it’s far from it.
True love sex –This is epic sex providing climax and cuddle time worth their weight in gold. It’s a hard find (no pun intended) but worth the search. This always brings forth two people who are intent not only in sexually pleasing each other but also strive to please each other the other 23 hours and 56 minutes of the day. Awesome!
Lazy sex – This is what happens when epic sex has been around for a while. It threatens the foundation of the true love status and should be identified and remedied ASAP. Lazy sex is responsible for 52% of women venturing out of the marriage for sexual satisfaction. You can recognize lazy sex by the fact that neither of you wants to move around too much, get too sweaty, or exert too much energy. For some reason farting and belching come into play (I have no idea why) but it’s basically the “I’m here, you’re here, let’s do it” attitude. A relationship death sentence if there ever was one.
Cheating sex – This is hot and torrid (I’ve been told) and addictive. Many a marriage has lost its way because they were on the wrong end of this kind of sex. I’m lucky enough to have never been on the other side of this kind of sex and loyal enough never to have been the cheater. I have to confess that it holds a mystique that intrigues. But considering the cost of a family lost and a true love forfeited, I can’t imagine that it’s worth it. I’ve witnessed plenty of marriages that have battled cheating sex, none of which has ever had a happy ending.
Make-up sex – This sex is always easy. Both parties want to come together (Oy! When will these puns stop?) to make amends and seal their love. It’s usually sincere, caring and hot. It also comes with loving conversation afterwards that seals their commitment to never quarrel again. That is until the next time he criticizes her wardrobe or she, his drinking. Make up sex is almost always worth fighting for.
Alone sex – I’m not sure I’m even allowed to talk about this as no one ever admits to it (Really, people?) so it must never happen anywhere in America. So I’ll just say that it’s probably the easiest sex there is, no one to please but yourself and it’s a pretty easy recipe for success. But not having anyone to talk to, moan to, scream at, (is it hot in here?) hold tight, well, it’s a definite down side. Still, I’m betting it’s better than random stupid sex. But I could be wrong.
3 Way Sex and gay/lesbian sex – All right everybody, settle down. I’m sure there is a ton to say about this, but since I have absolutely no clue and everyone I’ve asked (over 40 people) claim to have no experience, I am just going to have to leave this as an honorable mention and leave the rest to your imagination. Let me just say that as a child of the 60’s I believe in to each his/her own (holding up the V peace sign with my fingers) and there is no judgment here.
Having chronicled all of the types of sex I can’t help but think I’ve missed one or two. I’m also starting to understand why so many people are opting out. It’s a lot of work getting there, staying there, wanting to be there, making sure your partner is there with you; dear God, it’s exhausting! Perhaps everyone is just taking a break from the activity; a wellness vacation from insatiable sexual pursuits.
Maybe it’s the times. The struggles we face today, the worries about finances, mortgages, employment, the kids, the parents. It’s endless. It would be nice if all these stresses brought us together, but I guess they often do the opposite. It’s such a shame, because we need each other during these hardships.
Just know this, sex is easy to find, easy to have and easy to walk away from. Love is none of these things. Unfortunately, sex without love seems more futile by the day.
Do we need it? Probably not. But do you really relish the thought of sitting across the breakfast table and staring across at a frustrated, moody, cranky individual who looks like they would just as soon run you over as look at you? Yeah, me either.
I prefer waking up to the one man with whom I shared clumsy first time sex, new relationship sex, true love sex and make up sex with. I think that’s how it’s supposed to work.
But what do I know?