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Sexy is as sexy does!

sexy mouth with strawberry tongueI’m a 60 year old woman who still considers herself a sexy beast. Well, maybe not a beast. A kitten. A sexy kitten. Okay, maybe not a kitten. A sexy gerbil. That’s it … a sexy gerbil! The operative word here is sexy.

I was married for 27 years, and single for the last 10. Dating in your 50’s isn’t for sissies. One man I dated told me that I was sexy in my glasses. Another loved it when I wore high heels, and yet another was a big fan of red lipstick and cleavage. Mine, not his.

When you begin to date after you’ve been married for most of your adult life, you can count on being confused most of the time. Juggling your needs and desires with the needs and wants of your partner is tough. Yeah, I was definitely a picky dater. Which means I spent more nights at home with my dog and was generally pretty happy about it.

It all seemed like so much work. Games were still being played and I found myself less than tolerant of people who were less than forthcoming. Sex was still a huge part of the equation, but not something I was ever willing to give away, if not to the right person.

The question begs asking: what makes a woman feel sexy, and what makes a man think that she is?

I can answer that question by first stating that what was sexy in my 20’s is no longer such a big deal. When I was in my 20’s, I fell in love with my high school sweetheart who was tall (6’4”), dark, handsome, and had a gorgeous head of hair and a ridiculously confident personality. I knew our love would last forever.

It didn’t. Lust always outlives love, if for no other reason but to baffle us further. He is still tall, dark and handsome. The hair is now store bought and the confident personality turned out to be just loud and obnoxious arrogance. Who knew? He was everything I was looking for and all I wanted.

Until I didn’t. It took me years to learn that what you put up with is what you end up with. 

These days, sexy is a lot less about tall, dark and handsome with a full head of hair, and a lot more about confidence, humor, affection, kindness, loyalty, and intellect. Yes, and sex.

I was no longer in the market for a man to have children with, build a career alongside, settle into our first home together, and have crazy, sweaty sex 7 nights a week. I was looking for a man I could grow old with, travel the world, have wonderful conversations, share our homes together and have crazy (less than sweaty) sex 2 nights a week. 

According to e-Harmony, men find women sexy who: are playful (flirty), beautiful, affectionate, open and mature about sex, fearless, appreciative, like and understand men (I’m not at all sure the latter is possible), flexible (in thought, not in body … I think), funny, and a good kisser. It didn’t disclose what age demographic they were talking about. But I’m betting it was younger rather than older. Just a hunch.

In my 10 years of dating between the ages of 50 – 60, there was only one man, out of many, who asked me whatwas looking for and what I found sexy in a man. That is the man I’ve been with for the last 4 years. Not because he asked, but because he listened and did all he could to make sure that he was what I wanted and needed. Which only makes me want to please him more. Funny how that works.

Not too long ago I was watching this wonderful man playing with our little pup and 2 cats. He was throwing a squeaky hamburger for Maddy, our dog, and playing laser beam with the cats. When he got up off the floor, he hugged me tightly and buried his face into my neck and breathed me in for a very long moment. I’m not sure a man has ever been as sexy to me as he was that night. I could feel his desire and love radiate right through me.

So if you want to know what a mature woman finds sexy, I’m betting big money that you will get a different answer from every woman who is asked. Because it’s less about what you look like and more about compatibility, needs, wants, and, of course, love.

For me it’s about affection, appreciation, passion, tenderness, laughter and loyalty. Okay, fine, he is a fine drink of water with a full head of hair, but that’s just icing on the cake.

Sexy is as sexy does. 

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Evette - Right on, Tammy!

Joan Cooper - You are an endless font of amusement over everything we come up against in Life.

About the men in my life? I don’t know. There is just something inside that says yes or no.

Your sum up is right on – every woman wants a man who will climb the glass mountain for her.


Tammy - Thanks Evette! Good to hear from you, great to know you are still out there…thanks for that.

Tammy - Hi Joan, every woman wants a man who is wanting to listen and make her happy. If that’s a glass mountain (and I’m sure there are times it feels like one), then, yes, it’s what we want. But I’m also willing to climb it as well. Sexuality comes from want. A want that is deep down inside. My greatest sexual organ is my brain, second to my heart. Tap those and you’re in. We are not so complicated after all, are we?

Joan Cooper - Ooooooooooh that’s my problem – I put the heart before the brain.

Thanks Tammy, – I will try brain first.


Tana Bevan - While it’s a joy when good things happen to good people, it’s magical when loving people are appreciated and loved back.

The love you have for your man comes through in your posts–even when discussing his less than desired traits. All the more because as a reader I get the sense you love your man totally and completely. The good, bad, ugly, and everything in-between. IMHO, that is what makes your love all the richer, it incorporates all the nuances of emotion.

Revel in your love my friend!

Beverly Diehl - Sounds like you hit the jackpot, Tammy.

I’ve heard of some… interesting “matches” on eHarmony, like one friend whose only connection with man it matched her with was they both named coffee as a favorite beverage. She was done raising kids and stated specifically that she was NOT interested in having or raising more. He was a single dad with custody of three small children. Alrighty then.

The fact that he LISTENED to you, instead of trying to mold you into something else, is the sign of a VERY good man – and one who would make any woman feel sexy.

Gloria Richard Author - There is hope for a multi-decades married woman chained to a relationship where hopes, dreams, attitudes, and beliefs are pole opposites.

Rhetorical comment?

I’m practicing my lock-picking skills.

Tammy - Hi Tana, revel I do. Every day. That is insight I’m glad to have. Thanks for sharing that. We can never see ourselves as others perceive us, even through our writing (especially through our writing). Good to know that what I truly think and feel comes through to the page. I’m an “all or nothing” kind of girl. Always have been. I don’t know any other way. And love him I do. Endlessly. Thank you, sweet Tana, for the kind and gentle observation!

Tammy - Hi Beverly, I’ve heard a lot of stories about e-Harmony much in the same vein. Yikes. Yes, I am a lucky girl. Rare is the man that actually listens and responds to try and solve, please or appease the situation. SO very happy to have you here! Really!

Tammy - Hi Gloria, Eeeek. I know what it’s like having polar ambitions, hopes and beliefs. I’m pulling for you. It’s a tough haul. So many times worth the effort. Other times, not so much. The real dilemma is in trying to figure out which is which. As we learn when we get older, love does not conquer all. Keep those lock-picking skills polished…and hope you never need them. Awesome having you here!

Ande Lyons - Another DELICIOUS post on dating, sex, finding true love while living as a Modern Midlife Gal – thanks Tammy!

You highlighted the most important tip for women: men are wired to make us happy… really! Your darling man wanted to know what made you happy, what made your heart sing, then he went seeking ways to do just that. If more women understood this fundamental need in men… along with accepting the fact that men are not hairy women… we would be ruling the world! LOL!

When I met my true love 28 years ago… it was lust at first sight. Yes, there’s plenty of affection, appreciation, passion, tenderness, laughter and loyalty happening today… and there’s also that initial lusty “take me now, this is what dreams are made of.” Not because we’re lucky. Because, like happiness, we cultivate our passionate, lusty feelings. 😀

Congratulations on connecting with the best man for you – I am so happy for both of you! SNIFF – I just love Happy Endings!

LOVE YOU Goddess Tammy!


August McLaughlin - Whoops! Please disregard/delete my last comment. Let me rephrase… 🙂

I’m so glad Ande Lyons sent me here via my blog party. You radiate her same beautiful energy, and I couldn’t agree more! Sexiness goes on and on if we allow it to. Thank you for being a very worthy and necessary example.

A Pleasant House - So true. Sexy changes with maturity. For me it’s Humor- I love me a funny man.

Kitt Crescendo - Hi Tammy! I am not sure what happened, but this particular post didn’t find it’s way into my email as it usually does. Thankfully, I caught it on LinkedIn, and Ande shared it at our friend August McLaughlin’s blog party.

Your opening paragraph slayed me…of course it may partially have to do with my occasionally immature humor. I saw gerbils & sexy and my brain went for the Richard Gere scandal/rumors. 😉

Having said that, I couldn’t agree more about what makes a person sexy. These days, physical appearance is an awesome side bonus. More important to me are things like humor, intelligence, honesty…well, you get my drift.

Great post as always!

Tammy - Hi Pleasant House, I love me a funny man too! Strange how much smarter we get as we get older. Proving once again that God does indeed have a sense of humor! Thanks for stopping by. You’re awesome!

Tammy - Hi Kitt, What?! WWW didn’t drop in your email? I’m aghast (and worried). A couple of weeks ago I switched back to Feedburner and am hoping like mad that no one got dumped in the process. EEEEEKK! Thank goodness for Ande and August! Wait …. there was a blog party and I wasn’t invited? I’m back in high school right now, the odd girl out. *sigh* So happy you found your way to me, to share your awesomeness! It appears we are, as always, on the same page. Sisters from another mother! Grateful for you!

Jeff - Thanks as always for the bracing honesty and a bird’s eye view of the big picture, Tammy. It’s clear you see both forest and trees, and it is good. Lovely to hear a calming and rational and humor-filled take from the inner sanctum of the unnervingly secretive and possibly druidic Women’s Club. You wonderful creatures are truly an abiding mystery to us, and that’s not hyperbole. It’s terrif to hear something from your side that seems to have some vibrational connection to what we are feeling on these occasions; a Venn diagram we can all be thankful for! Keep typing.

Tammy - Thanks, Jeff, happy to have you here. Honesty is something I’m quite comfy with. Not to say that it doesn’t get me into hot water from time to time. I wrote a piece for the HuffPost that garnered me over 200 hate comments. Honesty has it’s price. You’re right, its always good to hear the other side view of the picture. It can’t hurt! I read your blog and enjoyed it very much. Let us become what would be natural … blog best-ies! Thanks for stopping by!

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