Sh*t happens

Sh*it happens.

Clearly something somewhere has gone terribly awry.

Okay, so I’ve got to share with you that I am one of the nicest people I know. No, really, I am.

I do unto others, I donate a dollar each time I buy pet food at PetSmart, I always let the merging car in, I don’t lie (except about my weight, duh?!) and I answer my phone at 3 a.m. when a friend calls. I’m a saint.

Hello? Is the person who verifies good deeds and kind hearts on vacation? Someone should be accountable for those times when shit hits the fan and sprays on the innocent bystander. I want to speak to that person please.

I’d like to lodge a complaint. If good things happen to good people … I’m waiting. And I’m getting a little pissed off.  

I would like my piece of the pie, a walk in the promised land, a visit to the end of the rainbow, my place in the sun. Fact is, I’d settle for a quiet beach vacation. No men allowed, though. I love them, but I don’t want to have to shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows (or chin hairs), and I don’t want to have to put on make-up. Just me, a book and an unending supply of lemon drop martinis. If the world was a fair place, my travel itinerary would be in my mailbox. But it isn’t.

Instead I’m left to deal with a narcissistic ex-husband, broken promises, road raged drivers, incompetent store clerks, squeaky wheels on shopping carts, perpetual voice-mail, cell phone service that doesn’t work, contractors that refuse to tell time, and computer programs that God couldn’t understand. Quick, pass the chocolate!

I get that God has an interesting way to teach us important life lessons, but enough already! While I surrender to the ‘big picture’, I feel compelled to fight on.

So I have to ask: Can you give up without giving in?  

Where is the fairness, the justice? Will karma kick in and take care of the good people? I’m damn well counting on it.

 Let me think it through.

Here’s what I know for sure; the things that really matter, I have. And I have them in abundance.

The small stuff will be the death of you if you let it.

It’s a lot easier to steer the car forward when you’re not busy looking in the rear view mirror. The past molds us, teaches us and somewhere along the way, will gift us with regrets and resentments. But, it doesn’t need to define us.

Stupid drivers and rude people will always populate the earth. Let us say a silent prayer that they are not related to us.

Perpetual voice-mail will be with us forever and will probably get worse. My advice would be to yell loudly and cuss extravagantly until a live person comes on line. Then, do unto others. Unless you are on hold with the department of motor vehicles, in which case I highly recommend you drink in excess to numb the fact that you will be on the phone for at least three hours.

Surrender is okay when it saves you.

Promises will be broken, even by those whom you have spent a life time loving and trusting. I never saw this one coming and cried myself a river. A heart betrayed is an awful and bitter thing. Best to let it go. Whatever you need to do to make that happen, do it.

Yes, something did go terribly awry and I don’t for a minute think I deserve some of the bad juju that has come my way. I guess that’s okay; because I’m pretty sure I haven’t always deserved all the amazing things that have been sent my way, either.  

I aspire to be saintly, and while I know I am far from it, I still think I’m pretty awesome. I am loving, forgiving, kind and thoughtful. I am a rocking good mom, friend and companion. Maybe I’m closer to saint hood than I thought.

Still, I wouldn’t exactly be heartbroken if someone accidently ran over my ex. Wait … was that my outside voice?