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The Change

When my doctor first told me I was going through the change I waited for the money. I didn’t get any.

Then I thought, wow, this won’t be so bad. I’d change into something better. I would be like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon. I would fly wistfully into my golden years even wiser and more experienced.

Well, not so much.

I changed alright. I became a weather system all by myself; hot one minute, freezing the next with occasional mists and severe humidity. Then there was the bloating, the bleeding and the headaches. What was this…a joke? If it was it was – it was on me.

I also changed from a vibrant happy go-lucky woman to a cranky, tired and impatient crone. And that was on a good day.

I was pretty sure that this was not the change Mother Nature had in mind.

I sat across more than one doctor’s desk and told my story of woe seeking answers and remedies only to be scripted a new med to help ‘manage’ my condition. At one point I mentioned to a doctor that there were days I wanted to shoot myself in the foot to take my mind off of all the crazy cramping and headaches. He proceeded to put in my chart: patient is suicidal. Good grief, he couldn’t have been more wrong. My thoughts leaned more towards homicide.

I tried everything. I took herbal remedies, estrogen implants, acupuncture, drank black licorice teas and even partook in meditation. I even tried yoga, but was politely asked to leave by the instructor. Evidently whining and complaining is forbidden on the yoga mat.

At the end of the journey I landed a comfortable hospital room with an extended stay of four nights (savory meals of beef broth included) and a removal of all my female organs. All I could think of was that I was pretty sure I had instantly lost five pounds. I didn’t.

Recuperation was another adventure. I didn’t stand straight for six weeks. I learned the value of the shuffle and saw my feet for the first time in decades.

Tooling around on the walker gave me a glimpse of my old age to come. I decided then and there that when the time came when I would have to use a walker, I would decorate it with bright plastic flowers and a sign that would read “Will work for chocolate”.

Today I’m pretty awesome. I have tremendous understanding and sympathy towards anyone suffering any of the symptoms of the change. I turn into Mother Theresa when I see the suffering. I offer sage advice like; don’t buy a gun, don’t invest in any property and don’t make any decisions about your personal life.

I’m not sure what the big deal is. Women have been changing for years. Every ten years or so we have to adapt, adjust and assimilate another life change. Kids leave, husbands do all kinds of crazy things, friends move, our bodies change without our permission and every month we do the curse dance of change. On top of that, I change my mind, my attitude and my direction constantly.

To all you vibrantly young women out there who are dreading the change; don’t. Live it up; enjoy your life, and your predictable body. Your time will come. I’m extending my sympathy to you now while secretly smiling just a little bit. As it turns out, misery does love company.

I’m still waiting for my change, but frankly, I’d prefer bills.


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tp - Amen to all the above. tk

Sue Cove - Dearest Tammy,
I love this change stuff!
My patients tell me the funniest things that happen to them. I ask them if they want me to put their head in our fridge at work!
I am so thankful for my patch i change twice weekly!
Yes, change is a comin’.

Shirlene Vitale - Wow Tammy! I think you captured it pretty well. I can almost hardly wait until I get there!! YAY!

tammy - TP, Yup, there is no stronger common ground. Thanks for posting, so good to have you here!

tammy - Hi Sue, I’m on the patch too! We are twin-sies. If there is strength in numbers, we are a mighty group. Thanks for being here. Love hearing from you.

tammy - Shirlene, I love your positive and cheerful attitude. It will come in handy. So will a fan, ice-cream, and excedrin. Thanks for posting. Great having you here!

Cynthia - Oh I DO remember when the “patient is suicidal” was put in your chart…you were livid….oh happy days. Love ya - Awww sorry you went through all that and thanks for giving younger ones like me a glimpse of what await on the road ahead…hope I will have at least your sense of humor.

Maureen Armentrout - Too Funny!! I was whining to a younger friend about my hot flashes – she was appalled and said How often do you get these, once or twice a month?!

tammy - Good grief, some memories are left better untapped. Great that I had you there to share it with….and re-share it with. Love ya back!

tammy - If I didn’t have my humor I’d be sunk. It gets ya through the rough spots. When it’s your turn, take it all in stride, a few laughs, a lot of chocolate and a handful of good friends. Thanks for the post!

tammy - Maureen, if only that were the case. Oh, she will find out. No one escapes! Too funny, thanks for sharing and being here.

Jeff Davidson - Obviously not female but grew up with an older sister and mother. I saw first hand some of the “changes.” I can only imagine.
Kept my Glock and Prozac separated and under lock and key. Couldn’t tell which one was required so I opted for safety.

Vicki - Oh how I love how you write…it’s like we have one mind….it’s exactly how I feel. I anxiously wait for your blogs to come out. Geez..I think I need a life!! Oh well – Your writings make me smile!

tammy - Hi Jeff, You’re funny. I have often wondered what it was like for those around me. Thanks to you, I just got a glimpse. They say change is good. When I’m done changing…I’ll let you know if I agree. Thanks for the post!

tammy - Hi Vicki, That’s funny, cuz I anxiously await your reply to my blogs. Haaa! You are a loyal reader, a sister from a different mother, and I’m so happy you are here to share all this “stuff” with. Until next time…keep smilin’.

kriti - Wow Tammy that really must have been difficult!!! In spite of all the wonderful humor that you always have I can see the nagging annoying sensation crawling all over you when you had to go through this. I hope it is all over and you are good again. Needless to say – I love reading you (even in your miseries!!)

linda erdy - Once again Tammy you have hit the nail on the head, your humor is over the top. Keep it coming!

Adrian - Another great post Tammy. Keep it up!!!

tammy - Thanks, Adrian, appreciate knowing you are still with me here. You are an inspiration!

tammy - Thanks, Linda. Wonderful having you here and very much appreciate your post!

tammy - Kriti, I remember hearing when I was a little girl that I was “the one with the sense of humor.” It has yet to fail me, and I’ve learned that humor lies in everything. Thank God for small favors! Thanks for being here.

Suerae Stein - Oh, Tammy, how well you write and with such good humor! Even about the most painful topics. Thanks for posting and I’m glad I found you – you’re a breath of fresh air!

tammy - Suerae, thrilled to have you here! What I think we have here … is a mutual admiration society.

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