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You Can Never Get Enough Sex On The Internet. Until Now.

iStock_000002873323SmallI got to thinking; how many kinds of sex are there? Oh, come on, you know you were wondering too!

Let us begin.

First time sex –It’s usually clumsy at best and unless you are a good communicator (screaming God’s name doesn’t count) then you will most likely not get the most satisfying result. That’s politically correct talk for: you won’t reach your highest peak. The thought is usually a lot more rewarding than the actual act.

Random stupid sex – the name pretty much tells the whole story. If you’re going to have sex with someone you don’t know just for fun, chances are good you won’t have any … fun, that is. There’s just so much wrong with this idea I don’t even know where to start. I have to come clean here – I’ve always wanted to experience a steamy one night stand but the closest I’ve gotten was buying a T-shirt with a picture of a night stand complete with a lamp and book on it with the words “one night stand” underneath. Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic. But seriously, with all the crazies out there I’d think twice before having crazy stupid sex. Yikes, I sound like my mother!

New relationship sex – This happens when two people have gotten to know each other, respond well to each other’s needs and go out of their way to please the other person. At this point, women are still wearing sexy undies and shave their legs often. Men still suck in their gut and wear expensive cologne. It sounds like a win but it often goes sour when you find out that she’s a crazy bitch or he’s a conceited jerk. New relationship sex is often confused with true love sex but it doesn’t come close.

True love sex –This is epic sex providing climax and cuddle time worth their weight in gold. It’s a hard find (pun intended) but worth the search. This brings forth two people who are intent not only in sexually pleasing each other but also strive to please each other the other 23 hours and 56 minutes of the day. Awesome!

Lazy sex – Who hasn’t had lazy sex?! This is what happens when epic sex has been around for a while. It threatens the foundation of the true love status and should be identified and remedied ASAP. Lazy sex is responsible for 52% of women venturing out of the marriage for sexual satisfaction. You can recognize lazy sex when neither of you wants to move around too much, get too sweaty, or exert too much energy. It’s basically the “I’m here, you’re here, let’s do it” attitude. A relationship death sentence if there ever was one.

Cheating sex – This is hot and torrid (I’ve been told) and addictive. Many a marriage has lost its way because they were on the wrong end of this kind of sex. I’m lucky enough to have never been on the other side of this kind of sex and loyal enough never to have been the cheater. I have to confess that it holds a mystique that intrigues. But considering the cost of a family lost and a true love forfeited, I can’t imagine that it’s worth it. I’ve witnessed plenty of marriages that have battled cheating sex, none of which has ever had a happy ending.

Make-up sex – This sex is always easy. Both parties want to come together (When will these puns stop?) to make amends and seal their love. It’s usually sincere, caring and hot. It also comes with loving conversation afterwards that seals their commitment to never quarrel again. That is until the next time he criticizes her wardrobe or she his drinking. Make up sex is almost always worth fighting for.

Alone sex – I’m not sure I’m even allowed to talk about this as no one ever admits to it (Really, people?) so it must never happen anywhere in America. So I’ll just say that it’s probably the easiest sex there is, no one to please but yourself and it’s a pretty easy recipe for success. But not having anyone to talk to, moan to, scream at, (is it hot in here?) or to hold tight, well, it has its down side. Still, I’m betting it’s better than random stupid sex. But I could be wrong.

3 Way Sex and gay/lesbian sex – All right everybody, settle down. I’m sure there is a ton to say about this, but since I have absolutely no clue and everyone I’ve asked (over 40 people) claim to have no experience, I am just going to have to leave this as an honorable mention and leave the rest to your imagination. Let me just say that as a child of the 60’s I believe in to each his/her own (holding up the V peace sign with my fingers) and there is absolutely no judgment here. After all, it’s really non of my business.

S & M Sex –  Oooh, sounds intriguing! Alas, I’m in the dark with this one. But I think it involves rubber, chains, handcuffs and feather ticklers. Throw in a big bag of M&M’s and I’m game! I’ve always been a sucker for those things that melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Oh my!

Having chronicled all of the types of sex I can’t help but think I’ve missed one or two or ten or twelve.

I’d like to go on record as saying that I’m a big fan of sex but an even bigger fan of love. Sex is easy to find, easy to have and easy to walk away from. Love is none of these things. Unfortunately, sex without love seems more futile by the day.

I love knowing that I go to bed with and wake up to the one man with whom I shared clumsy first time sex, new relationship sex, true love sex and make up sex with. I think that’s how it’s supposed to work.

You tell me.

 

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Joan Cooper - Oh Tammy – you are fearless !!!

The sacred ground of s-e-x and you made a masterpiece of it.

Such a talent for words you have. Do you read a lot or is this experience itself?

Joan Cooper

mel glenn - Dear Tammy,
“You tell me”? There is nothing to tell. You told it all in a warm, witty, non-pornographic way. Funny column, including the puns. Maybe you should entertain queries from the audience?
Depends what comes up.

Chloe Jeffreys - Having had every single type of sex you’ve described here (The cheating sex wasn’t on my husband, though. I’ve never cheated on him.)I can confidently say that Epic True Love sex is by far and away the BEST sex a person can have. Being truly loved? It doesn’t get any better than that. Everything else is just imitation.

Tammy - Chloe, I’m right there with ya, and agree wholeheartedly that true love sex trumps them all. I’ve gotta say that I kinda envy your having all the kinds of sex I mentioned. Kudos to you, girlfriend! Nothing teaches like experience.

Tammy - Hi Joan, I do read a lot and life has thrown plenty of experience my way. Fearless? Hmmm, I’m not sure about that. But I thank you for thinking it! Always such a pleasure to see you here, Joan.

Tammy - Mel, I am a non-pornographic kind of gal. Not that there’s anything wrong with it! Yes, it ALWAYS depends on what comes up, doesn’t it? *giggling* Thanks for the read, Mel, AND for the clever sharing. I do adore you!

Ruth Curran - Makes me think about how many kinds of love there are. I bet that Google search won’t be quite as easy :)! You probably wouldn’t get as much traffic either…. State of the world!

Shelley Zurek - I don’t talk about sex on the internet but did laugh at all your different categories and was able to think of few additional ones. (animal, teacher, oh the list just never ends).

Tammy - Hi Shelley, eeeek – animal? Yup, it’s out there, but I shudder at the thought. And inappropriate sex should have been listed. Damn! Thanks for brining to the table. So happy to have you here!

Tammy - Hi Ruth, gee, now THAT’S a good thought. It’s a sad place where sex trumps love on the internet! But we both know that in real life, it’s a distant second! So appreciate the read AND the comment. You couldn’t be more right on!

Chloe Jeffreys - I’m glad I did all that crazy stuff when I was young and got it out of my system. I wouldn’t do some of that stuff now.

kim tackett - I believe you skipped empty nester sex…that would be when the kids are gone and every night is date night, and you don’t have to be quiet. (did I just say that with my outside voice?)

Tammy - Kim, EMPTY NESTER SEX … of course!! I love your outside voice. Clearly it should have been included. So happy you did that for me. Thanks for that! It would have been quite the fun write-up though. *snicker*

Walker Thornton - You left out Charity Sex–those times when you feel you ought to/ have to… My term for those times I had sex with the husband because it kept him in a better mood or I felt like it was the right thing to do!

Ellen Dolgen - This is quite the sexy blog! I am definitely not going to be trying all of these! My favorite is -Ellen & David sex!

Cheryl Nicholl - Wonderful post my dear, but you left out Old Age Sex- which requires darkened rooms, large beds, foreplay in the form of grilled meat served by 6pm, and copious amounts of the Weather Chanel- not that I know firsthand. I’m just surmising….

Tammy - Cheryl, Old Age Sex … of course! Unlike you, I do know a lot about this subject. Candlelight is my friend, beds that adjust at a buttons touch are awesome and copious amounts of Modern Family put us in the mood for laughter which is the perfect time for old age sex!! You’ll get there … eventually, and you will have a rip-roaring time at it, no doubt! Lovely to see you here, my dear.

Tammy - Haaaa, Ellen, you crack me up. I’m NOT signing on to all of these either! My fav is also Ellen and David sex. NO…wait… I meant to say, oh, never mind! Keep enjoying!

Tammy - Oh, Walker, of course….charity sex! How could I have missed that one. Who among us hasn’t had it?! And yet, it was still good! Thanks for contributing. Love seeing you here!

Ande - Oh Baby… you are so singing my song!

Thanks for all the Sex Categories Tammy!

I love sex! And I REALLY love Emotionally Safe Sex! Yup, that’s where your wildest desires and fantasies can be experienced because you feel emotionally safe with your Darling and can “go there.” (I’ll have what she’s having!)

Whether it’s True Love, New Love, Been There and Done That Love… feeling a deep emotional and physical connection with a Beloved is one of the BEST side effects of Being Human.

MUAH & LOVE!!

@AndeLyons

Tammy - Ande, I’m with you all the way, girl. One of the best side effects of being human IS feeling that deep emotional and physical connection with the one you’re with. Amen to that! I’ve never experienced sex any other way so I don’t know if a one night stand has it’s own magic. Will likely never know. And I guess that’s okay by me. Wonderful having you here, Ande!

Kitt Crescendo - Ooh, Tammy! You picked one of my favorite subjects of all time! In fact, I was so torn between which link to share on this post because I’ve recently addressed 2 of your many awesome options on my blog. (I know, you’re soooo shocked…LOL!)

Since everyone knows solo sex (and those who don’t are either lying or seriously deprived), I thought I’d share one on the Dominance and Submission element you alluded to in your “S & M sex”, though that, technically, stands for sado-masochism. As you know, the many elements of BDSM are often thrown in under the S & M flag, despite the fact that they’re not all the same, except for the power exchange that happens. 😀

Obviously, I LOVE when you go all sex talk on the world, which means I adore this post.

Tammy - Hi Kitt, you always make me smile. I am skipping over to check out your post now! Isn’t it awesome when two birds sing the same song?! Thanks for being here!

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