I thought I’d have a little fun with the truth of turning 60. Join me as I review some of the things that undeniably put you on the list of old fartdom (yes, I know it’s not a real word, but just go with it).
If I’ve forgotten anything, please, chime in. My memory isn’t what it used to be!
1. You make more noise getting out of bed than you did during the night of passion the evening before.
2. Harrison Ford and Diane Keaton give you hope in your quest to age gracefully.
3. Sunscreen is applied every day. Even on rainy ones. You can never be too careful.
4. Your new mantra is never trust anyone UNDER 30.
5. You select the restaurants to eat at for their quiet ambiance rather than their food.
6. The only children you enjoy being around are your own and your grandkids.
7. When you shop the Nordstrom’s shoe sale, you head right for the comfort shoes. Heels be damned.
8. You buy your bras less for the push-up value and more for the hide the back-fat value.
9. A night at home with the dog is more enticing to you than a Saturday evening party.
10. Fiber has a whole new importance in your life.
11. You make a pact with a friend that should you ever go into a coma, they will be there to pluck your chins hairs until you wake up.
12. You simply can’t wrap your head around the idea of a bikini or its relevance.
13. Your knees creak when you walk up and down stairs. They creak when you walk, period.
14. You don’t like driving at night.
15. You have multiple pairs of glasses strewn around the house so that you will always be able to read should you need to.
16. You stop watching the Music Awards because you haven’t a clue who all those people are.
17. You don’t go to bars anymore, you go to wineries.
18. You can’t hold your liquor like you used to, which is a pity, because you need it even more now.
19. You have an overload of doctor’s phone numbers in your cell phone. All specialists.
20. It’s not called an operation…it’s called a procedure.
21. When your glasses are lost (again) they are most likely on top of your head.
22. You lose weight to be healthy rather than skinny.
23. As you fondly remember the good old days when you could down 2 cheeseburgers without a hitch, you reach for the antacid after downing the Mexican combo lunch special of 2 tacos.
24. You find your keys in the refrigerator, your underwear in the pantry and you have no clue how they got there despite the fact that you’ve not had a drink in 6 months.
25. Coupons, Costco, delivery of the AARP magazine and Happy Hours all make you deliriously happy.
26. Glitter, mini-skirts and bright red lipstick are a thing of the past, unless you’re an aging hooker.
27. When someone you know dies at the age of 79, you say “but he was so young!”
28. “Camping” is spending the day at the pool at the Four Seasons.
29. You have more hair on your face, ears and nose than you do on your head.
30. You embrace the rules. The world must have order!
Yes, my friends, as Bob Dylan predicted, the times they are a changing!