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Are we ever too old for sex?

Füße eines Paares im Bett. Trennung und ScheidungIt depends on who you ask.

To my ex-husband who hooked up with a little Russian chick half his age and yells to the hilltops that he is not too old; you can sit down now, we hear you.

But, for the rest of us who still have our sanity and are considered by many to be over the hill (man, I hate that expression), sex generally plays a less important role in our lives.

Or does it?

I recently had an informative (drunken) and frank (loud and boisterous) discussion with my peers (girlfriends) about this very subject. In our in-depth (raunchy and crude) dialogue, we all came to the same conclusion: sex is alive and well in our relationships.

It is however not without its challenges, complaints and restraints (pun intended).

Since most of us aren’t particularly feisty about our naked bodies anymore, prancing around the house wearing a thong, heels and a hairband is pretty much off the table. Instead we camouflage our bodies, accentuating the good (cleavage) and hiding the bad (everything else). We depend heavily on candlelight, black out curtains and sturdy mattresses.

These days sex is more than an orgasm, it’s an adventure. It’s also a lot noisier than it used to be. The grunting, moaning and heavy breathing begins way before we do. It’s all par for the course.

I find that in this stage of my life, intimacy holds a great deal of importance. I’ve also learned that intimacy is not always the same as having sex. I appreciate the closeness, the holding, kissing and I keep my expectations to a reasonable level. 

But, being a girl, I want what I want. Good thing for me, we are both good communicators and great listeners. Together we have learned what works, what doesn’t, and how to talk with each other about both.

I have to confess, sex is a little less important to me than it used to be. At this stage of my life I’m more centered on the bigger picture, the overall need to satisfy my partner and myself in all areas of our lives. Conversation entertainment, friendship, travel, our kids and the events of the day.

Unlike our younger years, our libidos can be affected by our stress, weight gain, medical conditions and the meds we take for them. Okay, fine. So sex may not be as sweaty or frequent as it once was years ago. That’s okay, because sweat is highly over-rated and the years have taught me that frequency is trumped by quality, hands down!

That’s NOT to say that sex is on the back burner. Oh, hell no. Fact is, the opposite is true. We are actually more adventurous. The kitchen table is not just for meals and the car is not just for running errands. Now that I have totally grossed out my fully grown daughter, let me say out loud … bravo for us!

Being cheeky (do the puns never end?) is something I’m far more comfortable with now than I ever was in my 20’s and 30’s. As I approach my 60th birthday this summer, I realize that while 60 is not really the new 40, it is a far cry from what it was in my grandmother’s generation!

I remember reading a quote somewhere many years ago that cautioned women to choose their mates carefully. It claimed that passion would wane but the ability to maintain good conversation, share loyalty and enjoy someone’s company would last a lifetime. I scoffed at the notion. Silly me.

We’ve also heard it said many times that waiting for something will often make you appreciate it more.

Of course, I do have a 2 week limit on the whole “waiting” part. After all, without some sense of reasonable decorum, the world could easily plunge into mayhem and anarchy.

Trust me when I tell you, the last thing this world needs is a sex deprived menopausal woman. Do I here an “Amen”?


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mercyn - Aye! I hear you!

Rick Gualtieri - Yes. One day I will be too old for sex…roughly about a day (or so) after I die. 🙂

Malissa - AMEN! You seem to be talking about stuff that I am going through, it’s getting to be boring so we are trying to spice it up, with Toy parties and other things to embarrassing to put out there ! Ya love it when your trying something new and a leg crap gets ya and your both on the floor laughing its so funny (or not) that your not as young as you use to be hahaha!
You go girl! Your daughter will get over it. LoL

Joan Cooper - Take it from an old timer – NO, sex is never never dead – however, finding it may be a problem.

I am one of those people who never thought of sex as a thing separate and apart . To me, it is an expression of love (that 4 letter word), affection, caring, concern for ones’ partner, and the coming together and sharing of that indescribable attraction men and women have.

Sex toys never interested me, unless he dances well and is taller than me.

Shall I go on????? I heard you – NO.

Joan Cooper

Scott Morgan (@write_hook) - Amen, baby. 🙂

Mel Glenn - Love your honesty and humor here. I think I will hide behind my age and shyness, but would agree we need love (and all its varieties) at any age.
How did your daughter react to the column.
You are a good writer because you are not afraid of the naked (pun intended) truth.

Steph - OMG, this is so funny because it’s so true. Bravo is right! Just because we are over the hill – (I hate that expression too) doesn’t mean our sex lives are over. Love your blogs! Carry on!

Tammy - Mercyn, high five to you, girlfriend! Appreciate the read and the post!

Tammy - Rick, am now laughing out loud. Seriously. Yup, you are a true blue guy. We ladies love you men! Thanks for being here, the read and the post!

Tammy - Malissa, you painted a very funny picture. Thanks for that! Everything gets stale after a while. When you’re with somebody for years, experimenting is the only way to keep stuff alive and fun. You go for it! And, yes, my daughter has little choice with me as a mother. Personally, I think she is one lucky kidlet. But then…I’m one lucky mom! Thanks for the read, Malissa, and especially the fabulous post.

Tammy - Joan, love this post of yours! Honest, raw and hilarious. I, too, come from a generation where sex is thought of in conjunction with love. Having had sex for sex sake and sex for love…love wins. It also brings to us that very special person who has our back after they’ve had us. I like the combo. You, Joan, are awesome! Thanks for being here.

Tammy - Scott, high five, my brother from another mother! I had a feeling you might agree. Thanks for sharing it here.

Tammy - Mel, always LOVE hearing from you. Always. You are a gentleman and a scholar and I appreciate the kind review. As for my daughters reaction, we are both pretending she never read it. Never underestimate the power of denial! Haaaa! No, I’m not afraid of truth. My truth is one of the few things in my life that actually defines me. Thanks, Mel, for the read and the comment!

Tammy - Steph, so happy you enjoyed the read, the bare truth and all. I WILL carry on. Thanks for being along for the ride!

Chloe Jeffreys - So true. Every word. The frequency may have diminished a bit, but it has been more than made up for with quality. Honestly if I had known when I was a young woman how great the sex would be now I would never have worried for a second about growing older. My only real sexual concern these days is making sure my husband doesn’t die. I fear that if he goes he will be taking all of the good times with him.

Tammy - Chloe, we are birds of a feather. I agree, I wish I had known a LOT of things about my older years when I was young. The worry factor would have gone right out the window. As it turns out, these really ARE the best years of my life. Who knew? I will hope for you that you don’t kill off your husband with all that good loving. But you gotta admit … what a way to go! Appreciate the read and the comment. So happy to have you here!

Jeffrey Davidson - Barring any unfortunate physical or psychological problem, I don’t think that anyone is ever too old for sex. That is a state of mind.

I fully believe that sex is perhaps the most intimate part of making love to someone. When you are “in love,” and the physical act of sex is over, the desire, the passion, the warmth, the caring, the compassion, the sensitivity and so much more lingers indefinitely, and, at least for me, gives me the desire for so much more.

Sex with someone you care about but are not “in love” with, may be gratifying but is not as fulfilling and meaningful.

Sex for the pure pleasure of the physical act may be great physically but can, and often does, leave one with a sense of emptiness and yearning for a more complete experience that can only come with a true sense of respect and caring for one another.

I have had the great fortune to have had some very special relationships that made the sex that we shared absolutely special, exciting, fun and virtually every other possible positive adjective you could think of.
{Don’t use a preposition to end a sentence with!!}

I have also had sex, and although fun, it was fleeting.

You mentioned “waiting for sex.” That may be preferred to starting it alone!!

Carpool Goddess - Tammy, so great meeting you last night. I love this post! You are a funny lady. And you do know that funny is the new sexy, right?!

Beverly Diehl - Even at my thinnest and fittest, I was never much a fan of butt floss (aka thong underwear). Now? Oh, hell no!

There is much to be said for a man or woman with experience and good communication skills, but it can be summed up as FUN. In sex and in everything else.

Ande Lyons - “I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get.” ~ Mae West


I LOVE this post – thank you dahling! You know I’m a believer in keeping the passion alive no matter what age or stage in life.

As Marty Klein says in his book Sexual Intelligence… it’s all about having great sex given the body we have, the partner we have and the life we have. Woo Hoo!

AMEN Sistah – MUAH! @AndeLyons

“I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” ~May West

Tammy - Jeffrey, yes, yes and yes! Agree on all points. So very happy to have you here and share your insights from the manly side of things. Awesome! Let it be said for the record that waiting and starting alone can both be good things. So appreciate the read AND the comment. Let us hope that our state of minds always find room for sweet love and good sex!

Tammy - Hey Goddess, it really was pretty wonderful meeting you and the other power bloggers of the L.A. hemisphere. Fun night! Thanks for the kind review. No, I didn’t know that funny is the new sexy. About damn time, I say! Hmmm, let me think how I can parlay that in the bedroom (evil grin). So happy you stopped by and do so appreciate the comment!

Tammy - Beverly, you are SO right! I wore a thong for about a hot minute. Then I twanged that thing in my drawer to be used only when I’m in the bedroom and about to take it off (wink). Haa! Oh yes, there IS so much to be said for mature communication, caring and a sense of adventure. We are never too old for fun. At least I pray to the Gods that we aren’t. Super fun to meet with you and the other fab bloggers…but even more fun to find you here. Thanks for that!

Tammy - Ande, this ones for you my darling. I had a sneaky feeling you might approve. So happy to see yourself here. Gotta respect the MW! She had it going on. And on. And on! I vote for it being easy AND worth it! Thanks for the pop in and the awesome comment!

Janie Emaus - Yep. You said it. It’s all about communication.

Carole Schultz - LOL…this has to be your best blog ever. Loved it…and how true!

Thanks, Tammy!

Tammy - Janie, thanks for the validation. Can’t get enough of it these days! Happy you stopped in and so appreciate the comment. Ever so lovely seeing you this week. Truly a pleasure. Have a great week, birthday girl!

Tammy - Carol, thanks! So glad you approve. Happy to throw a giggle your way, along with a little wisdom that has long gone unspoken. Thanks, Carole, for the read, the comment and the tweets!

Rhondda Hartman - Tammy, you are the best!!
Your writing is superbe!! the subject matter is so well covered(pun!) and the innuendoes were enchanting. I miss you so much and wish you would be with us next week.
On the home front, I still haven’t found a man! Woe is me.

Tammy - Hi Rhonda, so great to hear from you. And I’m delighted I gave you a giggle this week! I will miss the fabulous time we had at the conference (sad face), but I have a weekend gig in Long Beach to participate and speak at a ghostwriting conference. WooHoo! You MUST keep me abreast of anything new and exciting! Thanks for the kind review on my post, I had great fun writing it. You are so wonderful in every way, beautiful in and out, your man will come along … any day now. Thanks for popping and sharing!

Jim Lunsford - Tammy, I don’t know about too old, but my battle lately is too tired. Sex used to be better than a Red Bull. Now given the choice between sex and sleep, it’s about 50/50. I am holding out hope that a much anticipated summer vation will tip the percentages back in the favor of sex. Or perhaps I need to just resign myself to the fact that now, at alomost fifty-years-old, sex is better WITH a Red Bull.

Tammy - Jim, I can’t argue with you. I get it, and I’m with you. That’s why when I have the energy and the inclination, I seize the moment, decorum be damned. I’m thinking it comes down to what our bodies need rather than what our minds want. Sleep wins more often than I’d like to admit. But that doesn’t mean we should resign ourselves, it just means that we appreciate it that much more when it comes my way. On the other hand I never gave consideration to the Red Bull option. Thanks for the tip! So happy to have here and appreciate the comment!

M. Huck - Hmmm, lets see, wake up next to a hot russian blonde, or a 300 pound beast with more necks than a chinese phonebook and an ass bigger than Texas… And a 56inch waist

Cynthia Jordan - HA HA HA….So true and so funny…G and I laugh about how things have changed over the years….and those leg cramps? Yup…he gets them all the time…..I think the cure tho, is more sex….love you.

Tammy - Hi Cynthia, I call ’em as I see ’em. As we age our entire landscape changes. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes not so much. But as we both know, love will find a way. I haven’t heard from you I eons. So happy to know you are still on the other side! Love and miss you, and thanks ever so for popping in!

Tammy - M. Huck, you’ve got a point there. Trying to get the visual out of my head. But when you shop on you get what you pay for. Kudos to making ourselves happy….no matter where we find our answers! Thanks for the comment.

story wizard - I am the caregiver to my wife, she has no interest in physical intimacy, and is ok with me seeking intimacy out side the marriage…but I have found that impossible, as the women I meet all want the whole deal, not a friend with benefits type arrangement…it has been a long 15 years since sex…

any suggestions??


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