What is wrong with this picture?
I swore I’d never marry again. But then again, I also swore I’d never drink tequila with the band, adopt more than one cat, or wear a strapless bra for as long as I lived.
Needless to say, I’ve done all of them.
Five weeks ago I married my BFF from high school, my Steven. As I walked down the aisle I was taken aback by the realization that I had no butterflies in my stomach, no nervousness, no overwhelming giddiness. Where was the euphoria?
A small gathering of family and friends came to witness a modern day miracle; an old broad who insisted she’d never marry again and her old high school friend who waited over 40 years for her to say yes, both walking the aisle to each other. Fairytales do come true.
It was a beautiful day in every way. I was ridiculously calm, happy, satisfied, and sure.
There was champagne, toasts, dancing, laughing, visiting with family and old friends, and a delicious cake. There were tears, and hugs, best wishes, good food and good music. The things that life should be filled with every day.
When I married my husband of 30 years, back in 1976, my emotions were different. Way different. I was nervous, scared, excited, filled with anticipation and covered in a nervous rash.
This time I understood what I was getting in to. I knew the man I was about to marry inside and out. My expectations were defined, reasonable and well thought out. It was less of a gamble and more of a blessing. My heart wasn’t filled with butterflies; it was overflowing with love and gratitude.
I found myself so appreciative for the opportunity to love again, grow again and trust again with someone who is wonderful to me and for me. And I for him.
They say that love never changes. That’s a dirty lie. Love is forever changing. It grows with us as we get older. If we are lucky, love gets smarter, more patient, more forgiving, more comfortable and conversational. If we are unlucky, love lets us down, leaves us or dissipates over time.
Love is a fickle bitch and a beautiful one too. We all hope to partner with it for life. We are not all so lucky. Which is precisely why I believe in second chances.
These are things I never knew in my twenties. A knowledge that comes as a gift of age, maturity and surviving broken hearts, bashed egos and life’s knocks.
And so the day was as wonderful as I could have imagined.
There was just one thing. A very big thing.
The morning of our wedding I received a phone call telling me that my mom had just passed away. It was an epic blow. After a good cry I gathered myself together and took stock.
I decided not to share the news with our family and friends. Not that day. I consciously reached deep down and clutched at the happiness that had fallen through the cracks when I got that phone call. I made the choice to embrace it, hold it tight, and move on with the day in love and light.
I wore my mom’s pendant made from her wedding ring that day, along with Steven’s mom’s Timex watch, and my dad’s medal. They were all there with us. A reminder that for all we have, we have all lost a lot getting to where we are.
You can keep your butterflies. I’ve found them to be highly over-rated. I’ll take grateful, compassionate, kind, sexy, smart and funny love. Every day of the week.
Thank you, dear readers, for excusing my absence these past weeks. With the wedding, my mother’s death and a bout with influenza, it’s taken a while to get back on my feet.
Thanks for being here!