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You want me to fit into that?!

Bathing suit season is soon upon us. Let us pray.

Clearly I was born too late. If I were born in Roman times, I would be a goddess. I would have been revered; maybe even a legend (and not just in my own mind).

Instead, I am considered by many to be a little fluffier than I should be. In my opinion, I am just preparing myself for leaner times. It’s all about efficiency.

No matter. I, like you, will need to shop for that one bathing suit that will compliment my full figure. Just the thought of it is enough to make me break out into a cold sweat.

It’s all about courage and a positive attitude. Both of which I sadly lack when it comes to getting naked in stark lighting and fitting into a tiny spandex outfit.

This is not my first rodeo. Let me share some pointers.

Don’t be fooled by the label Slim Suit.  It’s easy to get excited when reading the large tag which promises you will lose 10 pounds instantly. I’m still waiting.

Surprisingly, this tiny garment manages to suck in a lot of the fluff, and when standing in a frontal position, it doesn’t look half bad. It would be perfect if we didn’t have to move or breathe. Inconveniently, we need to do both.

Never, I repeat never, take off a wet one piece suit to go to the bathroom. If you don’t let it dry first, getting it back on could take an act of God. It will leave you breathless, exhausted and sweaty. A little like great sex only without the orgasm.

Thongs are not your friend.

Back fat. There, I said it. I don’t know where it comes from and I am not amused.

The great thing about a good bathing suit is that is pulls ‘everything’ in. The bad thing about it is that it moves it all to your upper back. It appears that I have two butts. Not awesome.

Most all women know that we look better coming into a room than we do exiting one. This is why God invented the swim suit cover-up.

They come in all colors but black seems to be the color of choice. I thought I’d set myself apart from the maddening crowd one summer and purchased a sassy little red number. I saw a picture of myself wearing this cute frock and realized that I resembled a barn and the only things missing were the cows and the sheep. Lesson learned.

There is pity little we can do about the cellulite on our thighs. Once again proof that the world is not fair. I’ve learned that red lipstick and cleavage bearing outfits help to balance things out.

Buying a bathing suit is the ultimate camouflage experience. It takes patience, stealth maneuvering and the ability to hold one’s breath. Flexibility also comes into play. It’s beyond embarrassing when you have to yell over the door for someone to come untangle you. Yes, it’s happened.

It is daunting work, which is why most of us keep our bathing suits until they are stretched out and faded beyond recognition.

Truth is, as I get older I care less about what people think of me. I saw my reflection in a store window and was startled to realize it was me I was looking at. Proof that my biggest critic is me. Not unusual for women. We are tough on ourselves.

Men shop for swimming trunks by checking the size then going directly to the register without trying it on. They have little awareness of their man boobs, protruding bellies, excess body hair and scrawny toothpick legs. I admire that.

Finding comfort in our own skin is a life quest; easier said than done. I figure by the time I’m 80 I’ll have it down.

As in life, bathing suit shopping is made easier when tackled with a trusted girl friend. Honest feedback, warm encouragement and the willingness to provide CPR if needed is something we all need. Few things are more heart stopping than getting naked in a dressing room with harsh lighting and 3-way mirrors while trying to fit into something you swear would fit your 10 year old niece.

And yet, we persist, a noble trait.

Memorial Day weekend is the official start of summer. It is that time of year when we get into the mindset of romantic picnics, summer concerts, warm coastal breezes and starry summer nights. Or, if you’re like me, your thoughts might wander to fried chicken, potato salad and lemon meringue pies. Hmm, this explains a lot.

Now, if only I could find a turtle neck bathing suit with a lovely little skirt … that goes down to my knees.  Pass the sunscreen!

*this is an encore presentation … one that bares repeating. Bares … get it?


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mercyn - Wonderful, witty and so true! Bathing suits are the worst invention ever. I don’t even take a girlfriend with me when I have to buy a new one (once every few years). I want one with sleeves (three-quarter length will work) and a bra that actually works.

Rosie Battista - Love your post… love your writing… Ande Lyons told me about.. and she’s right.. you’re fabulous.

I have lots of tips for you to fit into that suit… join me for some cooking ‘naked’ recipes!


Joan Cooper - Did you see the article that models now wear a size 0 (zero) which did not even exist a few years ago. They are between 13 and 15 years old. Where does it stop? Just use a hanger guys.

Remember – no matter what – keep a fire in your heart and a smile in your eyes.

joan cooper

Suerae Stein - Love this post! I’d like to go back to the times when women’s bathing suits covered more area. Even the bikini bottoms covered your belly button back in the old days! And the suits for the younger set are ridiculously revealing… I am waiting for the pendulum to swing back to the good ole days!

malissa - Too funny, and I can relate. I want to go back to the days were you wore the black and white stripes pants and long sleeves and the big hats whats that the 1900’s lol , only thing you have to worry about is the stripes HAHAHA! I just don’t buy them any more. thanks for the laugh.

Rick Gualtieri - Easy solution: swim nekkid. 🙂

mel - a very sweet column. It’s simpler for men@

Scott Morgan - You know the irony? I’m WAY too skinny. For women, rail-thin is good. For men? Yeah, a little more fluffiness is preferable to the Skeletor look. So no, it’s not simpler for men. at least not those of us who look like female Calvin Klein models…

Tammy - Hi Joan, don’t even get me started! When I was a teen Twiggy was all the rage. Remember her? Well, I wasn’t tall, thin, or blonde with short short hair. But I wanted to be. Ridiculous peer pressure! She DID look like a hanger. I think I wore a size 0 when I was 9. It’s okay with me. I’d like to be less fluffy and I’m working on it. But I like my curves and softness. About time … it’s only taken me 58 years to reach that conclusion. Thanks for the post, Joan, you are awesome!

Tammy - Hi Suerae, don’t hold your breath waiting for the pendulum swing. If anything, we will all be walking around in body paint and do away with clothes all together. I shudder at the thought. It was a fun post and I’m tickled that you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping in. Appreciate you tons.

Tammy - Hi Malissa, thanks for sharing the laugh with me. Wouldn’t it be grand to have those big hats and those roomy pants and long sleeves back in style?! I’d love it. I’ve spent so much money and time with laser’s trying to fix the sun damage I caused while frying my skin as a California girl that the last thing I want to do bake in the sun. Oh, hell no! So happy to have you on the other side of my blog. Awesome! Thanks for posting.

Tammy - Hi Mel, thanks for the good review. Isn’t everything simpler for men? Just saying. It’s such a pleasure knowing that you are on the other side of my little blog. I’m visiting your writings too! Thanks for being here.

malissa - I love how it feels to lay in the sun, all warm and heating up the sore joints but I don’t do it any more like I also did as a kid with baby oil, lol Crisco lol. I also lived in California for the first 4 yrs of life.
Going away to the beach this weekend but no bathing suit for me , the Pacific northwest forecast is rain, whats new lol.
I really enjoy your writing, can’t wait for next story:).

Kellie - Tammy
In deed this is an experience MEN JUST DON’T GET! I love the red suit looking like a barn comment. I am still chuckling.

One thing I find that helps for sure as we age and get smarter at making bathing suit choices or let me re-phrase that…I hope we get smarter in choices. We should realize as mature women we should no longer be picking inappropriate styles. I don’t care if you are 50 to 60 years of age and have the hottest body on earth, at this age I don’t believe walking around in a thong in public is the correct choice. I see women who do this and I feel sad that they need to draw attention to themselves in such a manner. I believe picking swimsuits which are age appropriate helps in the horrible swimsuit search. Just because we are mature women does not mean we have to wear the old granny suits. I have several different choices. One when I am being more active in water sports (the board shorts with nice little upper half to highlight the “girls.” Two I have my tanning suit. Just little enough to be classy and be able to have less tan lines and I CAN wear in front of guests if need be. Then I have my suit I wear in front of all unknown company. It is classy one piece highlighting my “ass-sets” of choice. ha ha get it “ass-sets.” So by doing this I find it a little less horrifying to shop for the dreaded swim suit. Plus it helps when you have a loving partner to tell you “honey you look great in anything.” LIAR. 🙂 But hey I will accept THAT lie anytime.

Laura Lee Carter aka the Midlife Crisis Queen - While swimsuit shopping, a great sense of humor is also a definite PLUS!

Just posted “Bite Me” on my blog carnival for you, you funny writer!

Tammy - Hi Kellie, you are SO right! Have you noticed that one piece bathing suits for the “older generation” always have large hideous flower patterns? Eeewww! They we walk a whole five feet and find tiny itsy-bitsy two piece suits. There fails to be a middle ground. It takes tons of patience and hunting the aisles. I also have 3 suits. One little sexy number, one athletic number and one generic uber comfortable number. I, of course, look marginally stunning in each of them. I am also delusional, which helps. No. Men don’t get it. Thanks for pitching forward your wonderful contribution. It’s great having you here.

Tammy - Hi Scott, I’d bet your skinny little toothpick legs look damn good. That’s all I’m sayin. I’ve seen your handsome picture on your website. Has no one told you that “lean is mean”? Well, now they have. Quit your fretting. At least you don’t have to push 40 extra pounds into a two size too small piece of spandex. Look on the bright side. Thanks for piping in here. A male’s point of view is always a welcome read.

Tammy - Hi Laura Lee, wonderful, happy to contribute to the Midlife Crisis Queen Blog Carnival. Hope my readers pop in for a visit. Lovely to be part of it. Thanks for that.

Jenny - I’m been wearing the same darn suit for years. Some years “yeah, I can eat” others “sh__, can’t even breathe”. This year… (insert scary music) I guess it’s time to try it on….
well… it fits… and I can laugh at your blog!

Tammy - Hi Jenny, well all right, Missy, you get to laugh this time. Good for you that it fits … still! Who needs a scale when we have our bathing suits to tell us no lies?! Glad you enjoyed the read. So happy to have you here with me!

Tammy - Hi Rosie, I LOVE Ande and I LOVE her blog! You tell her she rocks for sending you my way! That is one spit-fire of a woman. I adore her. Thanks for your kind reviews, I love that you love me (giggle), and I love you right back. Cooking naked? Oh, my darling, for that I’d have to go into the kitchen. I’ll give it some thought but not sure I can even find my way. I will, however, find my way to your blog. Thanks so much for stopping in, I hope you become a ‘regular’, we could use some ‘normal’ people around here. Thanks for posting!

Tammy - Hi Mercyn, So happy you liked the post! I don’t think they actually make bathing suits for women who have boobs. Just a personal observation. Since I hate the bathing suit shopping procedure with a passion, I usually buy 3 at a time when I subject myself to the humiliation. It works better for me. I usually take a girlfriend with me for backup in case I pass out while trying to squeeze into the darn thing. Plus, it’s always good to get another opinion since mine is always the same: “I hate it”. We are on the same page, girlfriend. Thanks so much for being here and for posting!

Cynthia - Ha ha…I still wear my worn out, faded, stretched out elastic number.

Beatrice M. Hogg - What’s a bathing suit? You go in the water?! I just roll up my jeans, dip a toe in and run back to the boardwalk. The last time I wore a bathing suit, Clinton was president – the first term.

Tammy - Hi Beatrice, I’m still laughing. Clinton’s first term, eh? Funny!! I have had the good fortune of falling in love with a wonderful man. My bad fortune is that he owns a home in Palm Desert. Bathing suits soon became inevitable. *sigh* When you’re in the desert, in the summer, (insanity!) you find your way to the pool. Of course I only get in it when no one else is around or when his back is turned. Stealth pool dunking is a new survival skill I have perfected. Loved your post … thanks oodles for being here and sharing!

black chinos - a very sweet column. It’s simpler for men@

Tammy - hi BC, thanks. Happy you stopped by. Yup, you’re right, it’s waaaay easier for men. Thanks for posting!

Charity Kountz - ROFL – love this – I recently went looking at bathing suits and I think this year I might just skip it altogether. There’s this new thing out called a “tank-ini” (which I actually think is just fashion reverting back to trends from the 50’s and calling it new) that I want to try but darnit – everyone else had the same idea too and I couldn’t find any. Oh well, til next year. It’s too hot to go outside anyway. Why did I move to Texas again? lol

Tammy - Hi Charity, I LOVE the tank-ini! Unfortunately I was unable to find one that fit me properly. I’m not sure why the top kept creeping up my waste exposing my little tummy (I use the term loosely) but it did…so I didn’t buy it. I don’t need any more aggravation when I’m trying to suck it all in and look lovely in a bathing suit. It sure looks easier getting off and on, though. You’re right … it IS too hot to go outside. Turn on the tele and get out the Bon Bon’s! Thanks for posting!

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